Ha. Hahahaha.
***
The next time I went to our lunch meeting, my heart stopped. It stopped, then fell a dozen flights, then crashed into the pavement.
I wasn’t the only one there. Johnny was there too. He was there before me, violating our space together, horning in on our one-on-one time, just like a stupid horny boy to do.
“What’s… he…” I asked awkwardly.
“Oh, right, I should have told you earlier,” Ms. Wagner said as if she was stupid to forget. “Johnny couldn’t make our usual lunch period meetup, so I just told him to come to this one instead. He wanted more feedback after the test.”
“Oh. So he’s been doing these too, huh?” I asked, hoping my tone didn’t betray me.
“Yeah, like you he’s diligent and wants to keep those marks up. You two actually have strengths in entirely different ways, it’s really cool to see,” she said warmly.
Johnny said, “Hey!” and gave me a polite wave. I didn’t even look in his eyes, and just went to my seat. For the entire lunch period, we went over the test material and then over what the next unit would cover, and how we can best prepare ourselves. That was it. No fun stories, no girl talk, no admitting little secrets and giggling. All because stupid Johnny was there. I felt like a robot. A robot with a broken heart. I guess I was like the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz. Johnny sat there like the big dumb Scarecrow himself.
Hell, maybe I was the Scarecrow for thinking I was special enough that Ms. Wagner was doing this because she liked me. For all I knew any dumb boy with low marks and a cute smile was able to charm her. She did date boys in college. And now this dumb boy was worming his way into her trust, like those other dumb boys she dated. The ones she came to regret dating. How could she not see that Johnny was just going to be another name on that list?
Before I knew it, lunch period was over. Ms. Wagner cheerfully told us the abridged version of the lesson and summarized what we should keep in mind going forward. At the end of it I politely thanked her and left promptly, Johnny beside me.
I forgot that his locker was so close to mine. As I put my things away he walked up to me.
Hey,” he began. “I didn’t know that you were doing the lunch thing too.”
“Yup, I am,” I replied flatly.
“That’s cool. It was actually kinda nice to see you when it wasn’t just a crowd. I feel like I got to see more of the real you, and it’s pretty cool that I got that opportunity, you know?”
I didn’t reply.
He didn’t let up. “So, uh, if we’re both trying to keep up, maybe we could study together sometime? It might help us both to bounce ideas off each other.” I didn’t reply. “If you want, I can give you my number. You know, so we could organize a study session at the library or something. If you want.”
“I’m okay, but thank you,” I replied quietly.
“Cool, that’s fine,” Johnny said coolly, rolling his shoulders casually. “Well, it was good to talk to you. I’m gonna head to class. See you later.”
“Later,” I replied softly. He quickly left, leaving me at my locker. The sea of students whizzing past me felt invisible and yet omnipresent, like a force field of nothingness weighing me down. I was surrounded by human beings and yet felt so unbearably alone.
“Hey.”
I turned around, following that hypnotic voice. Ms. Wagner stood next to me, her normally glowing face darkened with perplexion. “If it’s not too much trouble, could you see me briefly after school?” she asked out of nowhere. “You’re not in trouble or anything, I just wanted to ask your opinion on something.”
She didn’t look like she normally did. It kind of made me feel uneasy. “Uh, yeah, sure.” I replied faintly, my heart beating fast. It always did that whenever I could catch her scent (which was often, I could smell the difference whenever she walked into the room, even if I hadn’t seen her yet) but this time it was a little different.
She didn’t say anything more after that, she just walked back into her room. I went to my next class in a bit of a rush, my anxiety making me think that quick was better. Was she… did she maybe… no, she didn’t like me. But… I had never seen her with a face like that. It was as if… something inside her really wanted to get out or be let free or something. Or maybe she wanted to tell me that she was sorry she made me sit next to Johnny. Maybe she was going to tell me she was falling for Johnny like those other dumb boys she fell for.
Maybe I was an idiot and she wanted to talk to me about the next upcoming book report or something, I don’t know.
The next two periods couldn’t have possibly gone any slower. My anxiety increased with each passing minute. It was pure torture. I found myself looking at the clock, thinking to myself, ‘okay, the period is one hour and fifteen minutes, and thirty minutes have gone by. I’m two-fifths through the lesson. …Okay, fifteen more minutes have passed. I’m one-third through the rest of the lesson. …Okay, ten minutes since I last looked at the clock. I’m one-third through the rest of the lesson.’ I swear I learned fractions better this way than middle school ever taught me.
Finally, the bell rang. I practically jumped out of my seat, glad this was done with. I got to see my favorite person and an anxiety-inducing mess of a situation was coming to a close. Win-win. With haste, I powerwalked to Ms. Wagner’s room, and found her at her desk. A few of her last-period students were still in the classroom.
She looked up from marking papers and flashed me a quick friendly smile. She then cleared her throat and addressed the others. “Please don’t dawdle, I’m meeting with a student and I’d prefer to discuss with them alone please.” Her words had their effect – like I said she could be pretty authoritative in her voice when she wanted to – and the students quickly filed out.
Once the last student left her eyes surveyed the room, landing on me. “Would you mind closing the door? I figured it would be good to have some privacy.”
My heart was practically beating out of my chest. I don’t know if I was excited or panicking. Like a zombie I walked to the door and shut it, turning around to see Ms. Wagner with her arms folded, leaning on her desk.
“So…” she began awkwardly. “I just have been noticing some things lately, and I wanted to ask a simple question. I promise I won’t get mad in any way, but I want you to answer honestly please. Okay?”
I nodded. It was panic. My heart was practically audible.
“Do you have a crush on me?”
It skipped a beat. My mouth opened and I inhaled and exhaled a few times. I felt like I was going to cry. Ms. Wagner said nothing, staring at me with a sympathetic yet removed expression on her face. I did my best to regulate my breathing and then cleared my throat.
“W-where is this c-coming from?” I asked breathlessly.
“Just answer the question please.”
“N-no, of course not.”
“Mina…” she replied sternly, giving me a look that sent a chill up my spine.
I inhaled sharply through my nose. A single tear came out of one of my eyes and I couldn’t control my breathing anymore. “Ineedtositdown,” I could barely get out before collapsing into one of the chairs and letting my forehead hit the desk, my arms covering my head. I breathed like that for what seemed like hours, dreading the moment I lifted my head. Sure enough, when I did, Ms. Wagner was there, staring at me, having moved from her position at the desk to standing in front of me, her arms still folded.