“The truth, Mina.”
“Y-yes. I d-do,” I choked out, my eyes fixated on her. I wanted something. A look of lust, a look of understanding – she was just… there, cold, never wiping the perplexed look off her face.
She sighed heavily. “Yeah. I could guess that.” She paced around the room a bit, then sighed again.
I couldn’t help tears from flowing down my face. “Does this… a-are you…”
“Mina, for starters, the feeling isn’t reciprocated.” My head hit the desk again. “No, look up at me. Breathe. It is very important that you understand what I tell you, and to know that, I need you to look me in the eye.” After another minute, my head rose. “I get that this is hard for you. Really, I do. But you have to understand and accept all of it.”
She unfolded her arms and placed her hands on the desk in front of me. “Number one, the feelings aren’t reciprocated. Number two, even if there were feelings, which there aren’t – I want to stress that – it wouldn’t matter in the first place. I am your teacher and you are my student. It would be out of the question for us to do anything. It’s why most teachers are discouraged from even being friends with their students – there’s a dynamic here. It’s like a power dynamic. If I’m an authority over you, and we’re fraternizing, in one way or another, the power dynamic is going to affect that, and that’s going to affect you, and me, and how we work together in class, and – You know how students whose parents are teachers are never in their classes? That’s why. Do you get what I’m saying?”
I just stared at her. She sighed and lowered her eyebrows with an upset expression.
“Look, this is just the way it is. A teacher has authority over their student. To be in a relationship with them is predatory, I- I don’t know how better to explain that. It’s taboo. It wouldn’t be fair to you, it can seriously mess you up down the line and make future relationships worse, and I could be in big trouble for even letting us get to this point. Part of a teacher’s job is to prevent students from getting too close.”
“T-then why did you let us get close?” I complained between heaving breaths.
She gave me an upset smile. “Because I’m human,” she honestly replied. “I liked spending time with you, I liked getting closer to you, and along the way I forgot my obligations as a teacher. Alright? And I am a lot older than you. Even without the teacher aspect, no. Just no. Mina, I’m sorry, I am, and this is totally my fault for letting it get to this point, but we have to address this here and now and do something about it.”
“Do… something?” I didn’t know if my heart could sink more. I knew what was coming.
“I’m going to need to transfer you to another teacher,” she told me, saying the one thing I wanted to hear the least right now. “We need you to spend some time away from me. This can’t happen, and this can’t continue.”
“No, please.” I protested, my voice weak. “This c-… this can’t.”
“I want you to know, I feel terrible. This is completely my fault, and maybe when you’re older, you can forgive me for all this. But trust me, your future self would agree. I get this is really hard to see rationally right now, but trust me, trust, what I’m doing is what’s best for you and what will help you the most and you’ll know in time this was the right call,” she reasoned, her face now expressing her sadness at this situation.
“Ms. Wagner, I love you,” I blurted out. “I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true. I’ve never felt this way about a human being before in my life. Never. And you were so proud of me for understanding my own feelings. And now you want to punish me for them? This isn’t fair.”
“You’re right, it’s not,” she agreed. “That’s why I feel so terrible for letting it get this far.”
“But it got this far because there’s something there,” I protested. “You can say the feelings aren’t there because of your job, but we’ve looked in each other’s eyes, I could feel it. I know it. There’s something.”
“There isn’t.”
“There is and you need to stop lying!” I accused her. “You felt comfortable enough to show me yourself when you’re out of the classroom, what your hair looks like, your past, whatever. That isn’t something you show to just anyone, I bet not even one of your friends. Go ahead and deny it, but you can feel it too, you can feel my aura as much as – as I can feel yours.” Cheesy as hell, but it’s what I felt. “And you know I’m already having difficulties in this class. We’re more than halfway through the semester. Changing this class means changing my entire timetable around. That’s a death sentence, this school year will be done for me. And then I’ll need to retake a grade, I’ll have to adjust to new classmates, after finally getting to know the ones around me…”
“Mina, I approached you today because I could tell you have no interest in the people your age. You blew off Johnny like he didn’t exist and talk to me eagerly when it’s just us two, but not when he was in the room!” she argued. “I get that maybe you don’t like him as a person, but your friend Lucy also approached me and told me she was worried. You were losing interest in talking to her, you’re losing interest in your own hobbies, you’re not talking to anyone your own age, and all you seem to be interested in is talking to me! That’s not normal! That’s a very unhealthy relationship dynamic, and you need to be cut off now before any additional damage is done here!”
Lucy. That fucking rat. Well, if those were the rules of the game, I needed to play by the rules.
“Okay, okay, okay.” I conceded. “Maybe I was just rude to the people my age. They bullied me for talking to only you though, I just don’t trust them.”
Ms. Wagner raked her fingers over her face. “That’s not making any of this any better, Mina.” She paused for a bit. “There is another solution. I could resign my post here and transfer schools.”
“No way!!” I protested, and not even just for myself. “You told me how much hell it was to finally get a full-time position, and how lucky you were to get this job.”
“Yes, and now it’s in jeopardy.”
“None of this has to get out.”
“Mina, your own friends are approaching me worried about how you’re only socializing with me. We’re past this point. It’s either you move classes or I resign.”
I shook my head, sadly and angrily. “Can you even make a choice like that?”
“I don’t want to! But it has to be done. There’s no other option.”
“Well, it’s not like this has to be done tomorrow…” I trailed off.
“What do you mean by that?”
“I’m going to suggest something. Please let me say the full thing before cutting in.” Ms. Wagner shook her head and grasped her forehead with her hand, but didn’t say anything. “Let’s say we put this on trial status, but let’s say I get better at talking to my classmates again, we stop talking about this, it never happened. You keep your job, the rumors stop, I’ll just live with this situation, and neither of our lives have to be made hell from this.”
“Mina, this won’t help you with your crush situation. We’re through the looking glass now,” Ms. Wagner retaliated.