“I was still trying to absorb all the things he had told me about my past. I woulda told ya after I’d gotten it all straightened out. Like I said, the right time just never seemed to come.”
“I believe you.” I could tell there was more bothering him than just that. “Vhat is it you are not saying, even now?”
“I – well, it wasn’t just that I had sex with him. That’s not the worst of it. The worst is that I loved it. I loved it so much that I spent an entire month with him, and almost made it the rest of my life. Yet it was awful. Brutal and vicious and bloody.”
“I can imagine.”
“But something about it was – how can I describe it so that you’ll understand? It was very satisfying in some ways. I didn’t have to be careful not to damage him, like I do with everyone else. Does that make sense?”
“Yes, actually, it does.” Of course he would enjoy it with a partner who is not so fragile as I am, so easily damaged if he loses control. With another mutant who heals as he does, he could let himself go, do what he really wants to do. I can never give him that.
I take a breath, as I prepare to ask a question of my own, aware that I may not like the answer. “How much vere you tempted to stay vith him?”
“I – uh – Very much. I very nearly did. I’m sorry, Elf, but I’d be lyin’ if I said otherwise.”
“I understand, and I prefer truth to lies. So vhy did you not stay?”
“For one thing, all the stuff he told me about what we had done together when we were younger – Well, some of it just wasn’t what I wanted to do anymore. All the wars, the fighting and killing. I dunno. After the wars were over, the world wasn’t a whole lot better that I could notice.” He shrugs. “I didn’t want to live like that, and I knew I would have to, if I stayed with Victor.”
“Then vhy did you remain there so long? Other than the sex, that is.”
“I guess I wanted to find out as much about my past as I could, before I told him I was going back to you.” He held up his hands, as if to ward off my next words before I could say them. “I know, I know. That was stupid and I’m sorry.”
“So am I,” I retort. “But there’s no use crying over spilt milk, is there?”
“Hey, ya got that one right!”
“Ja. But at least I vas not the one who spilled the milk in the first place,” I remind him.
We both get a laugh out of that.
“Look, there is the lake just ahead of us.”
We hurry the rest of the way through the trees. The water sparkles in the early morning sun, as a light breeze skips over the surface. I drink in the expanse of blue, fringed with green vegetation. Ah, I have missed this so! I have always thought that my soul would wither and die if I did not have such beauty to look upon now and then. Yes, nature is cruel and uncaring, yet that is what our eyes seek out, that is what they are meant to view. I stand as if transfixed, drinking it all in.
“C’mon, darlin’. Let’s sit down here against this tree and be comfortable. I just happen to have a couple of granola bars in my pocket, the chocolatey ones you like so much. Want one?”
“Ja. I am a bit tired out from the valk, after being in bed for so long.” I settle next to him, leaning my head on his shoulder as his arm goes around me. I take the granola bar and nibble on it, wanting to make the taste last as long as possible. Logan devours his in three bites. He seems somewhat tense as we sit together, staring across the lake.
“Uh – Elf? There was more I wanted to tell you, beyond what I’ve said already.”
I wince, not sure if there is any more he can say that I truly want to know. But I am the one who places so much importance on honesty and openness, so I cannot refuse. “Go on.”
“Remember after I first came back, I told you about that time I thought about you sleeping in my arms just before I left, and how much I missed you? What I didn’t tell you was that it happened while I was lying next to Victor, after we had fucked until we were both so bad off that we could do nothing but lie there waiting to heal. That’s when I made up my mind. The next morning I told him I was leaving.”
I almost burst out laughing, mostly from relief. “And you expect that to bother me?”
He shrugs uncertainly.
“If anything, it makes me feel better.”
”Sometimes I just don’t understand you, Kurt.”
“It is simple. You vere there vith him, enjoying the sex very much, perhaps even more than vith me most of the time.” He starts to say something, but again I raise my hand to stop him. “Yet still you thought of me, and decided to return to me. Vhat more could I vant?”
“Well, when ya put it that way, I suppose it makes sense.”
“Of course it does. If there vere no temptation to stay there, nothing but the wilderness and your fear for me, you vould not have given up something that vas of great value to you in order to be vith me.”
“You’re crazy, darlin’.”
“I do not think so. But there is something else that I am not, mein Schatz, and I hope you have realized that also.” He turns a truly puzzled look on me. “I do not vant you to feel that you must alvays be the one to rescue and protect me. I am not helpless. I may not be so strong and tough as you are, but I can hold my own.”
“Shit, Elf! Ya didn’t just hold your own. You rescued me. Do you think I didn’t notice that?”
“So ve vill not any longer be hearing about how vorried you are that I am in danger just because ve are together?”
He heaves a sigh. “No. Not if it bothers you. But my past experience with lovers, at least as much as I can remember, isn’t exactly reassuring.”
“I am not one of your past lovers. I am, after all, the Amazing Incredible Nightcrawler, remember?”
“Yeah. How could I forget?” He leans around to kiss me hard and long. As usual, he ends up with blood on his mouth from pressing too hard against my sharp teeth. He rubs it absently away with the back of one hand, then stares intently at that hand.
“Logan?” I ask, puzzled at the strange expression that crosses his face.
He gives me that shit-eating grin. “How would the Incredible Amazing Nightcrawler like to blow me?”
“Vas?”
“You heard me. Suck me off. Or if you’d prefer to be fancy, perform the act of fellatio on me.”
“I know vhat you mean. It is just that no one, including you, has ever asked that of me before. Or at least not after I smile at them and they see vhat my teeth look like.”
Suiting actions to words, I give him an exaggerated smile, then turn my head away. “There, you see? No man in his right mind vould put his penis into my mouth, not even Victor. You have never done more than occasionally hold yours up to my lips vhen you are ready, so I can drink your cum.”
I lick my lips at the thought, recalling the feeling and the taste of him.
“Yeah, Elf, I know. But you’d like ta do more, wouldn’t ya?”
“I vould. But I vould not like to accidentally shred vhat is euphemistically called your manhood. Or even vorse –“ I grin evilly and chomp my teeth together with an audible clicking noise “—make it necessary for you to re-grow said manhood, as Victor doubtless had to.”
“Ya wouldn’t do that to me, and I know it.”
“Not deliberately, no. But in the heat of passion –“