“Everyone wants to fuck you, Joanie. Everyone is jealous of Colin. We all think he’s fucking you,” Mark said.
“Well, he is in fact fucking me. Pretty much every day. Just not vaginally. Everyone is right, then,” I said.
“I think a lot of people, Colin included, think we’re fucking, too,” Mark replied.
“Well, it just goes to show you, doesn’t it?”
“You’re not making sense,” he said.
“I mean, it just goes to show that a consensus can be wrong, sometimes, although this time they’re right in spirit,” I proclaimed.
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“Mark, you love me, and I love you, and we talk every day,” I said, becoming exasperated that Mark couldn’t, or wouldn’t, see what was right in front of him. I knew I had to shove it in his face. “It’s as if we’re already fucking. Hell, we’re practically a married couple. A sexually inactive, married couple.”
“We must have an open marriage, then, because as you say, Colin is fucking you up your ass on a daily basis,” Mark said. Finally! Finally, I saw some jealousy in Mark’s eyes. It sure took him long enough. Maybe he’s an emotional cripple.
“What about you and Daisy? Do you think I like that? You’re carrying on with some other slut, and a pretty slut at that, while ignoring my sweet body?” I said, while I jiggled my boobs. “Is Daisy good in bed, Mark?”
“This isn’t about me,” Mark said.
“Of course, it’s about you! Does Daisy know you love me, even though I’m as fat as a house?” I said.
“You’re not fat. You’re not capable of becoming fat. You’re just pregnant. As for us, everyone knows we love each other, but it’s a Platonic love, and you damn well know it.”
“So, you admit you love me? Do you also admit you desire me?” I said, again jiggling my boobs. “Do you think Plato was gay?”
“What?”
“Well, he never married. He wrote adoringly, even lovingly, about boys. I’m just sayin’, okay?”
“Are you trying to say there’s no such thing as Platonic love between a hetero man and a hetero woman?” Mark asked.
“Bingo.”
“Are you further trying to say that since we love each other we should make love?” Mark asked.
“No, I’m just saying it’s inevitable that we will,” I replied.
“What if you get married to Colin, or something. You wouldn’t cheat on him with me? … Would you?”
“There are some hypotheticals a girl should never answer, and you know it,” I said.
“Sorry,” he said.
“I’m not going to marry Colin, Mark,” I declared.
“You’re not? But you’re fucking him every day! Who’s going to be the father to your baby, then?” Mark asked.
“The true father will. I have faith,” I said.
“Who is the true father of your baby?” he asked.
“I’ve got it narrowed down to four or five possibilities,” I said. “Colin is one of them, even if he’s only ever fucked me in the ass.”
“Four or five possibilities?? I had no idea you were such a slut!” Mark exclaimed, before he could stop himself. He ducked just in time to avoid the glass I had thrown at him.
“Time for you to leave. Colin is due any moment,” I said.
“Is he going to fuck you?” Mark asked, in another of his cruder moments. I threw a second glass at him. This one he simply caught in midair.
“How about I just hide and watch?” Mark asked. I frog-marched him to the front door, and gave him a good kick in his butt.
“I’m not that kinky, Mark. Off you go,” I said. Mark was still laughing when he stumbled right into Colin.
**
“How come you’re still wearing clothes?” Colin opened with.
“Well, aren’t you the romantic,” I replied.
“You know what I want, bitch. You want it, too,” he said.
“Want may be a little strong. Colin, do you love me?” I asked.
“We’ve had this discussion. You turn me on. Even pregnant, I want you. I’ll always want you. You have that power over me,” he said.
“I feel like a fat pig,” I said.
“That’s because you have a baby growing inside you. You’re still the luscious sexpot you’ve always been. Now take your clothes off, bitch,” Colin said.
“Colin, it’s not seductive to call me a bitch,” I said.
“You’re just upset because you’re pregnant. It’s not my fault you spread your legs for someone and he knocked you up, you know,” he said. “You know damn well I’ve never fucked you in your slutty vagina. I’m not the father.”
“According to Planned Parenthood, even if you only cum inside my ass, some of your copious cum can spill out of my anus and dribble into my sweet, wet, pussy, and that can knock me up,” I said.
Colin laughed. “You believe that shit? Planned Parenthood is a Communist Front organization. Are you ready? Did you do the enema trick? Take off your damn clothes, or I will do it for you!”
“We’re not having sex today, Colin,” I said.
“Why the fuck not? We always do at this time of day. I look forward to it all day. We always have sex, and then we make dinner together. Take off your clothes, bitch.”
“You call me bitch one more time and I’ll throw you out of my home!” I yelled.
**
“So, did you throw him out?” my brother Dan asked, when I related the story to him. “Or did you let him take you up your ass, or both?”
“I bought him off with a blowjob, not that it’s any of your business. He won’t admit the baby is his, the asshole,” I said.
“Is the baby in fact his?” Dan asked.
“No, the baby’s not his. At least it’s very likely not to be his. He’s never fucked me where it counts; only in my ass,” I said.
“So, the baby’s not his; it’s pretty clear. So, whose is it?” Dan asked.
“I’ve got it narrowed down to four or five possibilities. Colin, as we just discussed, but that’s super unlikely. Possible, but unlikely. Now, let me see, who fucked me vaginally six months ago? Hmmm …” I said.
“You’d better hope it’s not me,” Dan said.
“Why? You don’t want to be the father?” I asked.
“Joanie, you’re my sister! Brothers and sisters are not supposed to have children together!” Dan said. He’s so easy to tease. “Besides, I wore a rubber. We should never have done it.”
“But we did do it, didn’t we. Do you want to do it again?” I asked.
“Of course, I do. You have the sweetest, hottest pussy in all creation. I’ll never forget that ill-advised fuck we had, lo those many moons ago. Best of my life,” Dan said.
“You know, rubbers aren’t perfect. You’re just as likely to be the father as Colin the Asshole is,” I said. “I’m pregnant now, so you wouldn’t even need a rubber. You could experience the “sweetest, hottest pussy” in all creation, and bareback. Plus, after the fuck, I’ll give you one of my patent-pending best brownies in all Indiana!”
“That’s not comforting, Joanie,” my brother Dan said. “We can’t have sex again. I can’t handle the guilt.”
“Even were you to get a brownie as well as my pussy?” I inquired.
“Even.”
“That’s okay, Dan. I don’t want to have incest with you again, even though I find the kinky side of incest appealing. The reason I don’t want to is not because you’re my brother, it’s who you are as a person. No offense, I hope,” I said, smiling as I said it.
There, I did it! I broke up with my brother. How many girls can say that?
“What about that brownie?” Dan asked.
**
“So, you really broke up with Colin?” my friend Barbara asked.
“Yes, although I’m not sure he knows it yet,” I said.