“I was sure the two of you would get married. I was surprised you hadn’t. Isn’t he going to miss fathering his baby?” she asked.
“He’s not the father,” I said.
There was a long silence. Then Barbara gave me a high five. “You slut, you! I was convinced he was; you’ve been together throughout the pregnancy, after all.”
“Until now.”
“Yeah, I guess so. Why’d you dump him, anyway?” Barbara asked.
“How’d you know it was I who dumped him, and not the other way around?” I asked.
“Because I know you. Besides, how much anal sex can a girl take? The man’s obsessed,” she said. That raised my eyebrows.
“How’d you know about his sodomy fetish/obsession?” I asked.
“Oh, honey! Everyone knows. We had a betting pool on how long you’d last. I lost my $20 a long time ago,” Barbara said.
“You do know that’s disgusting, don’t you?” I asked.
“Yes, of course,” Barbara said, and we both giggled uncontrollably, causing the other patrons of the luxurious Starbucks to stare at us.
“So, Colin’s not the father?”
“Right. That’s what I said,” I replied.
“So who is?” she asked.
“Nobody knows. But I’ve got the suspects narrowed down. Actually, I alone know who the father is; I’m just waiting for the right time to make the big reveal. I plan to marry him,” I said.
“Did you ever do the one-night-stand with a stranger thing we talked about?” Barbara asked.
“I sure did. It was wonderful. Bareback, too,” I said.
“Ever see him again afterwards? Get his name?” she asked.
“Maybe, and yes,” I said.
“When did you do it?”
“Around six or seven months ago,” I said.
“You mean around the time — oh my God!” Barbara said, having added two and two together. I just smiled.
“So, your candidates for fatherhood are Colin, your best friend forever Mark no doubt, Mr. Mysterious one-night-stand, and …??” Barbara asked.
“Silence forever? For real?” I indicated I meant it, too.
“Of course,” Barbara said.
“My brother Dan,” I whispered to her.
“Oh, my goodness, you slut, you! Damn. I’ve had the hots for Dan since ninth grade!”
“Take him, then. I want him off my hands! I’m cleaning house, except for the father,” I said.
“So neither Colin nor Dan is the father?” Barbara asked.
“Just between us — and I mean it — this is secret!” I whispered. Barbara crossed her heart.
“Yeah, neither one is the father, thank goodness,” I said.
“How can you be so sure?” Barbara asked.
“Secret DNA tests,” I whispered, and smiled.
“Doesn’t it cost a fortune to do those with a fetus?” she asked.
“It sure does, but it’s only a small fortune. Remember, my Dad has money,” I replied.
“So, who is the father, then? Mark, or Mister X?” she asked. “Does Mister X even know you’re pregnant?”
“Yeah, he knows,” I said. “He lied to me, too. He’s married.” I said.
“That sucks. So, who do you want the Dad to be, anyway?” Barbara asked me.
“I should mention, there’s also Doug Foster,” I said.
“Mark’s best friend? You let him too into your honeypot around six months ago?” Barbara was getting just a tad incredulous.
“Oh, he’s been dipping his wick from time to time for a few years. He wears rubbers, plus I use a diaphragm. We’d have to have a super rare event for all that to fail, but then, anything’s possible, right?” I said.
“Are you still seeing Doug, that way?” she asked.
“Nope. Not a chance in Hell,” I said.
“Who do you want it to be? Isn’t Mark dating Daisy, currently?”Barbara asked,
“I hear she’s doing her best imitation of a slut, too. You know, she has gymnastics training, so you can imagine … I can’t compete with that. Of course, if it’s Mister X, who knows what’s behind that Green Door?” I said, enjoying shocking Barbara with my extensive sexual exploits.
“This should be a daytime TV Soap Opera,” Barbara said.
“Yeah, especially because I found out Mister X is married. He’d just wanted a little young pussy on the side.”
**
“My water broke, Barbara,” I said into my cell phone.
“I’ll be right over! Are you in labor?” she said.
“How should I know? We need to go to IU Hospital over in Indy. Dr. Minkowski is my obstetrician,” I said.
“I know, I know, we’ve gone over this a thousand times,” she said.
“Ouch!”
“What’s wrong?” Barbara asked, revealing either a tone of concern or of terror.
“I guess it’s a contraction,” I said. “Are you in your car?”
“Yes, my phone’s on speaker. How fast are the contractions coming, now?” she asked.
“How should I know? Do you think I’m a computer? Oomph. That last one was a doozy,” I said.
“Everything will be fine. Almost there,” Barbara lied. She was worried sick. Birth scares every intelligent person. I grabbed my already packed bag for the hospital.
**
“All she does is sleep. Sleep, eat, shit, and sleep some more. The doctor says all her energy is going towards growing; getting bigger. She has a long way to go, too, because my Lord, she is tiny!” I complained.
“She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Mark said.
“I knew you’d like her. Say, I heard you broke up with Daisy?”
“Yeah, but I don’t want to talk about it. It looks like little Hazel is waking up,” he said.
“Yep. And she’ll want food,” I said.
“Do you want me to leave?” he asked.
“Not if you’re okay with seeing my boob. It’s really just a flash, because after that all you’ll see is Hazel’s head attached to it, sucking like her life depends on it. I guess it does, in some sense.”