“I’m not sure I could really have sex with her. I’d love to father her child but I guess I was thinking a little more clinically, like artificial insemination. It would be my sperm.”
“Don’t be silly. She’s a fox. If I was a guy I’d grab at the chance to jump on her.”
“She an ordained minister!”
“She’s a woman. A beautiful woman who wants to have children, to have an emotional attachment to the father of her child. Sounds awfully romantic to me.”
God help me.
FIVE
My monthly female had gone by the wayside as the group struggled with this. It just didn’t seem very important at this point. Amber had shown up at the next meeting, bringing everyone up to speed. She had texted us every day, and talked to me a couple of times as well. She had calmed down, asked Jeff for a time to talk, and told him of her decision about having a child. She left unsaid who the father would be. He told her he really loved her and wanted her in his life. He talked about his insecurities and how they had an effect on his decision. She heard him out, then said that was fine. She could understand his decision. She hoped he could understand hers. She turned to me, in front of everyone, and reiterated that she wanted me to father her child.
“You’re a good, kind man who has suffered a terrible tragedy, one that left you childless. I think it would be wonderful for both me and you. It would give you a living, breathing child to call your own. I know you would be supportive of me and the child. I can visualize that. My prayers tell me this is the way. But I want you to have this child with me naturally. I want to have sex with you for the purpose of procreation. It’s not a sin. It’s not an affair. It’s a loving way to serve God’s purpose.”
That got ’em talking.
“Wow! Where do I sign up to be next?” Sheila said.
I had retreated to my bemused observation of them. Amber had really shaken them up. I at least had had some time to think about it. Stephanie and I had talked about it at length. She actually was against it, to my surprise.
“I don’t think it’s right,” she said. “She’s going to be lying to Jeff about what is going on. He’s going to think she’s going to a sperm bank, not a living, breathing male.”
“What if she tells him the truth? I can’t see her lying to him. It’s just not in her nature to lie like that. I think the big question is whether they can weather the storm that is sure to come. I think she will tell him the donor is me. He’ll assume insemination but if he asks I think she’ll tell him it’s conventional sex.”
“She’d better have someone with her when she tells him,” Stephanie said.
“No, you can’t know when the conversation will come up. I think she’ll be fine. If anything, I would expect him to storm out of the house. He’s going to be upset and angry. His male role has been usurped big time. That would get to any guy.” But let me get this straight. It would be OK if it were Sheila or you, after your divorce, because you two are single but it’s not OK for a married woman to take responsibility for her decisions and do what’s right for her baby?
“Oh, I just don’t know. I just have never thought about such a thing. It’s way outside my thinking.”
We let it go at that. I wasn’t looking to change her mind, just to understand her thinking.
The group had moved on from Amber’s situation. Stephanie asked if anyone could refer her to a good divorce attorney. She had done one consultation already and had a second one scheduled for next week. We all said we would look into it for her. Amber asked us to all pray for her and her baby to be. Sheila talked about her last date, a guy she said was an eight, but maybe not father material. It was too soon to tell. Claudette was quiet, as was Faith. Faith was understandable to some extent, she already had a child but I was concerned by Claudette’s silence. We questioned her. She said what she had said before: she was putting it down for a while.
A week later, Amber and Stephanie showed up at my door. They had called ahead and asked if they could come over. I told them to head on over. We all sat down in the great room together. Stephanie looked like she was about to burst. Amber was so calm, it was impossible to guess what was going on.
“Jeff asked me if I had changed my mind about having a baby. I told him no. He asked about the father, about whether it was going to be a sperm donor. I didn’t want to split hairs by telling him that of course it would be a sperm donor, any male would be a sperm donor. Instead I told him that I had found a male that I wanted to father my child. I told him that I had wanted him to father my child but I respected his decision to not do so. He asked if he knew the prospective father. I told him the father-to-be was you. I didn’t want to lie or skirt around the edges. It’s just something we’ll have to work through. I told him I loved him and wanted to remain married to him, hopefully for a long, long time. I think he was scared to ask the question of how this was to be done, or maybe he just assumed insemination. I told him I wanted an emotional bond with the father of my child, that I would try to get pregnant through sex with you. To his credit, he stayed to hear me out. I think he is going to need to think about this. In all honesty, I think his mind is blown away. I think it’s better to just get it all out and then deal with the consequences.”
Stephanie couldn’t hold it in any longer. “It’s really going to happen. You’re going to be a father, Jeremy.”
I think that to this moment I had been unsure about what was going to happen. I thought that maybe Amber would reconsider having a child at all or with me. But having crossed the Rubicon and burning the bridge behind her by telling Jeff exactly what her plans were had suddenly turned this into reality. The question now was whether or not she could get pregnant. The hows would get worked out. We were all intelligent people.
“She”s already charted her cycle, so she knows the optimum days. You’ve got two weeks to get ready.”
Well, that put it all in perspective. There was a definite time, it was really going to happen.
Amber turned to me and smiled. I don’t just want to have sex with you two or three times just to get pregnant. I need a deeper emotional bond with you and we need to be comfortable together. I want to start spending time with you soon. Is that all right?”
I sat back, closed my eyes and let my mind go wandering. I could hear Christie’s voice inside me, telling me it was OK, that is was more than OK, that it just seemed the right thing to do.
I leaned over to Amber and took her hand in mine. “I’ll do whatever you want. It’s an honor.”
“Well, in that case, do you mind if we go upstairs for a while?”
I got up, offered her my hand to assist her up, and walked with her up the stairs, leaving Stephanie alone downstairs. We walked into the master bedroom and closed the door. I walked her to the bed, hugged her and gently kissed her on the lips. I bent and kissed her cheek, then her neck. I glanced at her. Her eyes were closed. I could see little shivers from time to time. Putting my hands on her shoulders, I turned her, then began undressing her. She sat on the bed as I pulled off her jeans and underwear. I pulled her up from the bed, reached around her and pulled back the covers, then put her on the bed again. She swung onto the bed, her head on the pillow. I had a set of light gray sheets on the bed. Her white skin was a complete contrast. She was the same light color over her whole body, with the exception of her hands and feet. That with her blonde hair made her almost look angelic. She just needed wings.