“Because… it could lead to something else,” he whispered.
“No, it won’t. I want you to talk to me again. That’s all. We don’t have to sit close anymore if that helps.”
He sighed and shook his head. A soft smile was tugging at his lips. I think I was finally wearing him down.
“Fine. We can be friends again, but at a healthy distance. Deal?” he asked and offered me his hand.
“Deal.”
We shook on it, then I got up and sat on the opposite side of the table across from him. He smiled in approval. He went back to grading papers, and I worked on the book report he assigned last week. Our friendship slowly resumed after that. It was a tremendous relief. I didn’t sit with him behind his desk anymore. I sat in front of his desk when we needed to talk about school work. The distance bothered me more than I thought it would, but I didn’t dare go back on our deal. If he needed distance, I would happily give it to him to keep his friendship.
As the weeks progressed, I caught Father Garrett staring at me in class almost every Wednesday. When my classmates were focused on their work, I would glance at my favorite teacher and meet his gaze. We would both smile and avert our eyes. It made me feel wonderful. Little things like that were the delight of my week.
My Women’s Group swiftly gained popularity and helped me be more social. We would meet in a classroom every Tuesday and Thursday to talk about things affecting women’s lives at college, at home, and all across the world. We started off with a short Bible study before tackling tough issues. It was a wonderful, safe space for us. I had discretely distributed the vaginal rings Mother Ester had given to Father Garrett. The ladies were raving about them. The simple contraceptives were easing their period pains and giving them more energy when they were usually sick with cramps. The rings also relieved the pregnancy fears of the ladies in intimate relationships. That was one of our favorite topics. We kept it innocent, of course. We didn’t gossip about all the dirty details, but the single ladies loved to hear about romantic exploits. We agreed not to discuss any of it outside of the club. We were becoming a secret society of informed women, and I loved it. Candice and Trinity were fellow freshmen that helped me organize our gatherings and formulate discussion topics. We were becoming fast friends. It was wonderful to finally be a part of a community.
“I have a new topic,” Candice began. “Are any single ladies experiencing their first college crush?” she asked and glanced at me.
“Wait a minute, Candice,” I interrupted. “You need to define the topic and talk about your own experience before presenting a question to the group. That’s the rules.”
“Fine,” she sighed and looked at her notes. “According to an online dictionary, a crush is ‘a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable or inappropriate.’ I think that’s an excellent definition. I haven’t actually crushed on any college men yet, but I did notice a TA crushing on me.”
“Ooooh, how did you know? Tell us more,” Trinity grinned.
“Well, I caught him staring at me a lot. That was the first hint. Then he would act nervous around me when I asked him questions about assignments. Then he went out of his way to avoid me for a while. That annoyed me, so I asked him why. He stumbled over his words for a bit, then he finally admitted his admiration for me. His fear of rejection made him avoid me for two weeks. After that confession, he asked me out on a date, and I said yes. We’re going to see a movie together this weekend.”
“That’s great! I love it,” Trinity laughed.
“How about you, Zoe? Are you crushing on anyone, or is someone crushing on you?” Candice pressed.
My stomach filled with butterflies at that point. Candice and Trinity were in Father Garrett’s literature class, and Candice had just described his behavior towards me. Did she know something I didn’t? The fluttering in my stomach grew worse as my cheeks began to burn. I looked at the expectant faces around me, feeling like I might be sick.
“Zoe, are you okay?” Trinity asked.
“Uh, actually. I don’t feel so great. I’m going to the restroom. I may stop by the nurse’s office if I don’t start feeling better. Please, continue without me,” I urged before I left the room.
I hurried into a bathroom stall and sat down to collect my nerves. Candice had brought something to my attention that I didn’t think was possible.
“Does Father Garrett have a crush on me?” I whispered in disbelief.
I almost cringed at how lame I sounded at that point. Father Garrett was a well-respected priest and a valued faculty member at Saint De Milo College. A man like him crushing on a student like me was laughable. I was a stupid kid compared to him. I definitely had a crush on the man. There wasn’t anything laughable or abnormal about that. He was handsome, friendly, and a joy to be around. He even confessed to sensing my crush on him. I couldn’t imagine a world where he would feel the same way about me. It was too silly.
The fluttering in my stomach eased as I laughed at the ridiculous notion, but I couldn’t completely shake the anxiety. Something had upset him enough to avoid me for two and a half weeks. A humiliating crush could be the culprit. That made me feel even worse. He was obviously smart enough to be ashamed of crushing on me. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. Usually, when something was distressing me, Father Garrett was the first person I went to. I was feeling great about our renewed friendship up until that point.
Chapter 4: No Crush
Father Garrett looked up and greeted me with a smile from his desk the following morning. After our argument in the library, he prioritized looking at me when he greeted me. I was thankful for it. His attention made me feel appreciated.
“Good morning, Zoe. You were late for lunch yesterday. You barely had time to eat. Did something happen?” he asked.
I stopped in front of his desk and looked at him in surprise for a moment. I often looked for him when I was in the cafeteria. We never sat together, but knowing he was there was a comfort. I had no idea he was looking for me too. It was flattering.
“I uh… I’m okay. I felt rough yesterday. I’m fine now.”
I didn’t want to tell him he was the reason I was upset before lunch. I turned towards my desk, suddenly eager to be done with the conversation.
“Hold up, Zoe. Pull up a chair. I want to talk to you.”
I nodded, pulled a chair in front of his desk, and sat down. He was watching my face the entire time. He knew something was up.
“Did I do something to upset you?” he asked.
“No. I just… realized something that upset me.”
His brow creased at that revelation.
“Was it about me?”
I took a deep breath and nodded.
“Please, tell me what it was.”
I blushed and looked out the window in thought for a moment. There wasn’t a non-humiliating way to begin the discussion. I had promised to be open with Father Garrett, so I decided to rip off the bandage and get it over with.
“I know you’re ashamed of our relationship, Father Garrett. You’re ashamed of me, to be exact. I realized it yesterday and felt all kinds of terrible afterward. It helped me understand your behavior a few weeks back. I’m okay with it. I still love being your friend. But, if I were you, I would be ashamed of me too.”