He could see the effect of his words on her, the noticeable stress on Helena’s face.
“Your words won’t destroy my faith.”
Xavier reached into a small tin in the middle of the table and pulled out a sugar packet. He mixed it into his coffee. “Back during WWII, I spent some time in Germany. I watched as Nazis exterminated Jews, gypsies, the disabled, and other groups of people. The citizens of Germany watched it happen. They did nothing to stop it. Everyday people lived just down the road from concentration camps, knowing exactly what was going and not caring at all. In genocides, those people are called the bystanders. They watch as something terrible happens and do nothing to stop it. If a new genocide were to happen, would you be a bystander? Would you sit quietly by while people were murdered in front of you?”
“No.”
“Then why does God?”
They stared at each other, Xavier waiting for Helena to respond.
“B-because he has a plan for everything. He works in ways that we cannot possibly understand.”
“What kind of plan could incorporate men being slaughtered, women being raped, and children being enslaved? If that is his plan, then doesn’t that mean he not only allows those crimes to transpire, but actually commits them? If I really am the enemy of God, why doesn’t he stop me? How many women do you think have begged God to save them from me? Over vacation, your best friend sobbed as she choked on my cock and her little sister raped her from behind. She prayed for God to stop me, but he did nothing.”
“No, you’re wrong!”
“Then help me. Tell me the truth. There are three possibilities: he doesn’t have the power to stop tragedies and is thereby incompetent and weak; he simply doesn’t care about suffering and is indifferent, looking down on mankind like you are ants or bacteria; or he actually enjoys watching people wallow in agony and gets his rocks off in creating humans simply to inflict pain on them, and is sadistic.”
“God isn’t like that!”
“How would you know? Have you ever spoken to God? Have you ever met God? You know nothing about him and you refuse to acknowledge anything that goes against your fantasy. It’s just like I told you before: people don’t care about reality, only about what makes them happy and lets them feel right. Admit it: I’m the only possible proof you have that God even exists. Without me, you’d have nothing to go on but what people have told you about him, and even then, you ignore all the bad stuff. You’re Catholic, you know the story of Job. My father was able to convince God to torture an innocent man just to prove a point. Does that sound like a loving creator?”
“You’re the Antichrist, everyone knows that you’ll speak out against Him. Why would I ever trust your words?”
At that, a flash of annoyance moved across his face, and when he spoke, it was with anger. “Don’t do that. Don’t hide behind your bible and shrug me off. Listen to me not as the Antichrist, but as a man. This is supposed to be a debate. You’re supposed to counter my claim with a logical argument of your own, not throw a temper tantrum. If you want to continue to refuse me, fine, but don’t do it by acting like a toddler. At least Thomas Aquinas put some rationality into his arguments. Don’t be some mindless drone. You’re better than that.”
Regardless of her hatred of him, the way he spoke to her made Helena embarrassed. It was the same way she felt when a teacher scolded her.
Xavier ordered another coffee and calmed down before he resumed speaking. “You didn’t answer my original question. Have you really considered my offer? Have you thought it through? Or have you just blocked it out of your mind and equated it to ceasing to exist?”
“I… I… I don’t know. I just… can’t seem to see it.”
“I’m curious, how well do you visualize yourself as becoming a member of the Swiss Guard? Have you truly planned it through? Did you constantly fantasize about it before you met me? Were you able to visualize everything that you would do and what your life would be? Or all this time, have you not been advancing towards your goal, but simply clinging to it? Are you actually looking towards the future, or is your claim of joining the Swiss Guard just a defense mechanism when someone asks you what your plans are and you realize you have no idea? What does the future mean for you?”
The fire in her eyes flared back up. “I’ve always been resolute in my goal, and your tricks won’t change that.”
Xavier stared her, his face unreadable. “I want to see if that’s true. Come on, let’s go somewhere more private.”
Having paid for their coffees, Xavier took her to a quiet area of the city and sat down with her on a bench.
“I want to see what your future looks like.”
She stared at him quizzically. “What are you talking about?”
“I want to see what your mind creates when you imagine your future.”
“Wait… you mean read my mind?! No way! Never!”
“Relax, I won’t dig into anything. Besides, I let you into my mind, remember? All of those memories I shared with you? Just think of it as putting on a presentation. You won’t show me anything you don’t want to.”
Even after everything that had happened between them, Helena struggled to find a reason to say no. She wanted to say it, she knew she should, but when she looked at him, she couldn’t remember why.
“Ok, but no weird stuff.”
Xavier gave a small smile and reached out towards her. She scrunched herself up, fearing his touch, but strangely became calm when Xavier placed his hands on her cheeks, so gently she almost didn’t feel him at first. His palms were warm. With the connection made, she felt a channel open up in her mind, like Xavier had just put a window in her forehead and all her thoughts could be seen. Not wanting to show him anything he could use against her, she focused only on her aspirations.
The image appeared before her mind’s eye, and she knew Xavier could see it. She was standing at the Pope’s side, carrying a ceremonial halberd and dressed in the uniform of the Swiss Guard with a look of stoic pride on her face. But… that was it. Try as she might, she couldn’t deepen the fantasy beyond that. For a moment, an image of her and her fellow guards fighting off assailants flashed in her mind, but was crushed by her rational mind questioning the likelihood of such an event actually happening. After all, when was the last time the Pope had been attacked?
“I thought as much. Joining the Swiss Guard isn’t your real goal. It’s just the best you can come up with. You’re afraid of leaving Rome but you have nothing to go on but your faith, so you want something that will let you put your violent zealotry to use. It’s not the future that you’re looking towards; you’re just desperate for a way to remain in the present.”
Helena didn’t respond, realizing now that there was undeniable truth to his words. Before, that image of her in that uniform had been all the motivation she needed, but now Xavier was showing her the hollowness she had always ignored.
“Now, how would like to see your future if you join me?”
Before she could answer, the world around them was blurred and distorted as if they were phasing out into a parallel universe. It was just like Xavier’s memories, but now when reality solidified, they had moved forward in time. Rome wasn’t very different from what it was in the present, but it did look more… militarized. The buildings had all been reinforced, as if expecting a mortar attack, and walking by the bench was a group of soldiers, all wearing suits of armor that incorporated Kevlar with the metal plating. On their chests were the three sixes of Xavier’s brand, and their weapons of choice were machine guns with scimitars attached, worn on the arm and resembling a lobster claw.