But that nagging voice in the back of my head kept pushing. I felt fine. Maybe there was a mix-up at the lab. Could the numbers be wrong? Why me? Why again? How could I feel so good, but have cancer ravaging my body?
I swiped the tears from my cheeks. I’d just started to have a life. And now, I was back to being an outcast. Life sucked.
Lukas took me out for dinner. He sat quietly and reserved. His eyes were puffy and red. He didn’t throw any chairs at Doctor Brown’s office this time, a good sign that he was taking this lapse better than the last one. I hated the stress my disease caused. I tried so hard to be strong, to be positive. But it was too much, and I was tired of fighting.
Neither of us ate much. Our appetites had disappeared with the test results
“So what about this guy, Rolf?”
“What about him?”
“You just disappeared on him. If the guy cares for you as I think he does, he won’t let it go.”
“The last thing I need is Rolf feeling sorry for me and staying with me out of pity,” I let out a long exasperated sigh. “I can’t deal with this right now, Lukas. Don’t you think I have already too much on my plate?”
He nodded. “Sorry.”
The mental image of Rolf, sitting alone in the living room, reading my note, made my heart shrink.
Not that I was seriously considering a future with him. What future can you offer when you’re not certain you actually have one? Better cry now for a girl who left him, than cry later for a girl who died of cancer.
“No, I am not giving up,” I said to myself.
Lukas drove me in silence to an apartment he’d rented for me, which suited me well.
When I left the center the first time I was here, I told myself, “It’s not fair. I don’t want to stop living my life that way I want to. I won’t let cancer steal my joy. I plan to keep enjoying every second of my life.”
I knew that it was a temporary state, but that almost made it more beautiful. I slurped up every second of it.
Now that the time was over, I wanted more. I still had so many things to do, so many places to visit.
***
The weekend moved slower than a funeral procession, sorry, bad joke.
I let Lukas take me out to a restaurant again. I’d be puking my guts out soon enough, so I figured I might as well enjoy as many good meals as I could.
Soon, I’d be back to being ‘the bald girl with cancer.’ I hated it.
On Monday, Lukas drove me to the center and told me that he was planning to fly back to Austria the next day.
I completely understood. He had a family, a business, and responsibilities. He had been already kind enough with me. I couldn’t ask for more.
“Hi, Rain, I am Julia,” the nurse said, as I walked into the hospital room Monday morning. I was on a first-name basis with all the nurses and staff members on the floor. They still remembered me. I am pretty sure Lukas tipped all of them.
“I remember you. You have two kids, and your husband is a firefighter, right?”
“Yes, that’s me. I hoped I’d never see you in here again, darling.”
“That makes two of us.” I sat down on the reclining bed.
I squeezed my eyes closed, as Julia rubbed alcohol on my hand before inserting the IV. Watching made my stomach crawl. Feeling the needle go in felt bad enough, seeing it just reminded me how real it all was. The central line, my first of many visual reminders, would soon be attached to my chest.
In my mind, I was back in Middletown. Everything was more vibrant, more beautiful. All of the colors so magnificently blended together, yet still their own hues and shades.
“All done,” Julia announced, bringing me back to reality. “Doctor Brown will be here in a few minutes. I’m sure you don’t, but I have to ask, do you have any questions?”
I shook my head. I had no questions. I could probably write a textbook of procedures by now.
Julia sat down on the bed next to me and ran her fingers through my hair. “Your hair is beautiful, Rain. I really like this cut on you.”
“Thank you.”
Last time, when my hair started falling out, Julia sat with me, holding my hand as I cried. I knew it was just hair, but it was my hair. Soon, I’d look like Professor X.
I tried a wig once. Once was enough. It itched.
The annoying part of being bald wasn’t the stares or the whispers, or even the silence. It was the people that felt sorry for me. I didn’t want them to pity me. I was a warrior.
I’d beaten cancer once, and I could do it again, at least, that’s what I told myself.
Doctor Brown walked in and gave us a slight grin. He held my chart in his hands, but he didn’t look at it. He probably had it memorized. Julia stood next to him.
“Hey, Rain,” he said, flipping on the overhead lights. “So, are you ready?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.”
Who was ever ready to be sliced open and have tubes put inside their veins?
Julia patted my shoulder. “You’re my hero,” she whispered.
I slipped my right arm out of my bra strap and tank-top sleeve. The procedure happened while I was conscious, but I really wished they’d knock me out. Because of the local anesthetic, I didn’t feel pain. I felt the tugging, though. Oh, and I could hear the little tools and the clanking on the metal tray. Those sounds alone were enough to make me nauseous.
Julia smoothed the skin on the right side of my chest with an alcohol wipe. The scent of rubbing alcohol would forever be burned in my nostrils.
“You’re going to feel some stinging,” Doctor Brown said. Stinging? I didn’t think stabbing someone with large needles multiple times in the chest qualified as ‘stinging.’ I took a deep breath.
Julia held my hand, and I squeezed it harder each time the local anesthetic pricked me. Tears formed behind my lids, but I fought them back. I could be strong. This was nothing.
When Doctor Brown finished, the bed started moving. My head slowly sank down as my feet began to rise. Next to me, Julia never let go of my hand. Her soft expression gave me strength. I balled my other hand into a fist as hard as I could, then slowly let my fingers fan out. I concentrated on breathing steadily. My eyes stayed closed.
Doctor Brown started working. I knew exactly what he was doing. First, he’d insert the needle into a vein in my chest. Then, with Julia’s help, he’d put a guidewire into the vein. Next, he’d cut one small slit in my chest and another in my neck. That part I didn’t mind. I felt nothing when they cut me. It was the next part that I dreaded.
Julia grabbed the small white garbage can and held it up to my mouth, just in case.
Doctor Brown slid the central line in the lower cut on my chest and came out at the slit in my neck. I felt the pressure it caused. My stomach started to churn, and my mouth exploded with saliva. I tried to hold back. Really, I did. But I couldn’t help it.
“Go ahead, Rain,” the good doctor assured me. I puked in the basket.
Julia wiped my mouth with a wet paper towel she’d grabbed before she sat down. She swiped my hair back and sighed. I nodded to her. The rest of the procedure happened quickly. I didn’t open my eyes until the stitches around the new cuts had been put in place. Already, the central line felt weird, but I knew it would become just another appendage once I got used to it.