Rolf nodded slowly. I gave him a moment to let my explanation sink in.
When he spoke, I could feel the anguish in his voice. “Do you have any idea what went through my mind when you just vanished?”
“Knowing the reason why we didn’t have a future was going to hurt you more. It made sense in my mind, at that moment.”
“Why did you tell Lukas and not me?”
“Because Lukas already knew. This isn’t the first time. When they discovered I had leukemia, I was staying with him and his family. They took care of me till I was cancer-free. Lukas has been checking on me since then.”
“How long have you had it?”
“I was diagnosed around one year ago. I had chemo for almost six months, and I went into remission, so my white cell count was back to normal. Sadly, now it’s back.”
I should have told him. He should have found out from me.
“How can you be so calm?” he asked, confused.
“I am calm because I accept what it is. At least, most of the time,” I gave him a tired smile. “I’ve tried crying, screaming, throwing things, avoiding people. It is what it is. I didn’t choose to have cancer, but it happened. Then, I decided to live my life to the fullest. Time is a rare commodity, I want to enjoy every single second of it.”
“When I come to die I don’t want to discover that I haven’t lived,” Rolf said, quoting Thoreau. He didn’t cease to amaze me.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you, myself!”
“It’s okay. I kind of understand your reasons for not telling me.”
Rolf and I held no more secrets from each other. A thousand pounds had been lifted from my shoulders.
All I wanted–no–all I needed was to be secure in his arms. I needed him to wash away my fear, and tell me everything would be okay.
“Are you afraid, Rain?”
No one had ever asked me that before. Not ever. I looked at him to check he was not asking out of politeness, but he returned a steady gaze. So I told him how I truly felt.
“It comes and goes. People think if you’re sick, you become fearless and brave, but you don’t. Most of the time, it’s like being stalked by a psycho like I might get shot any second. But sometimes, I forget for hours.”
“What things make you forget?”
“Talking with people. Doing crazy stuff. When we were exploring the woods, or fooling around at the lake, I used to forget for a whole day. Sex helps me a lot, too.” I winked at him.
He gave me a sad smile in return.
There was a silence then.
“My turn. Why are you here?” I asked Rolf.
“Well, before knowing you had cancer, I wanted to find you to get closure. Now things have changed, haven’t they?”
“Oh, no, no, no. Don’t go there.”
“I don’t want your pity, Rolf.”
His cheeks colored a deep red.
“It’s not pity, you idiot. Can’t you see that I’m here because I love you?”
I swallowed. “You do?”
“I love you with every fiber of my being, Rain. It’s just the way it is. Even when I wanted to hate you for leaving me, I couldn’t stop loving you.”
I smiled at him and suddenly everything felt alright, the touch of his hand on my cheek felt like it was all natural to me.
Of course, I already knew that Rolf loved me; though It felt good to hear him say the words. It felt really good. I had been living in denial about the depth of my feelings for him. The same thing that I had done with my cancer.
“I have loved you since that day we danced in the rain.”
“I thought I might have freaked you out.”
Rolf shook his head. “Just the opposite.”
“You’re sweet-talking me now.”
“Well, maybe you scared me a little, but in a good way,” he giggled.
“Is there a good way to scare someone?” I looked at him curiously.
“Well, at that moment, I wanted to kiss you badly, but I was scared you wouldn’t kiss me back, or worse, that you would slap me.”
“I wouldn’t have slapped you. I wanted to kiss you, too.”
Slowly he moved his head towards mine, removed his fingers from mine to cradle my face in his hands as gently as he could, and brushed his lips on mine.
I increased the pressure until we were no longer just touching lips.
It was a long, loving kiss. He finally pulled out, and I said, “I’m not going to break if you give me a proper kiss, Rolf.”
“I got scared when I came back home and didn’t find you.”
“I feel I can’t apologize enough for not trusting you. I am so happy you are here. I don’t know how I am going to get through this alone.”
“I wouldn’t want to be anyplace else right now. I am going to stay with you for as long as you need me. You know I work mainly from home, so there is no problem.”
“You mean it?”
“I do. But you’ve got to get better. You’re young, strong. We’re going to get through this, I promise. Cancer can be beaten. We’ll do it together.”
I squeezed his hand. The only noise in the room was my quiet sniffles. He ran his fingers through my short hair in silence.
I finally sobbed my nose and said, “I’ll do my best. I’ll give the fight of my lifetime. I promise.”
CHAPTER 13: ROLF
Talking about cancer is scary, and usually not something people are comfortable with. Many people avoid the topic whenever they can.
My first reaction when Lukas told me Rain had cancer, was shock. I felt at a loss for words. My world was flipped upside down. Nothing seemed to matter anymore.
I quickly set my things in order and left Middletown without knowing when I was going to come back. I didn’t tell anyone about Rain’s cancer. I knew she would have wanted it that way. I simply told people I was going to look for her.
Before flying to be with Rain, I had read every single article about helping someone with cancer on the internet.
There was a lot of obvious suggestions like listening more than talking, avoid crying in your friend’s presence, and avoid pitying looks or behaviors. I shouldn’t offer empty words of comfort like ‘you’re lucky it’s X cancer instead of Y cancer,’ ‘it’s God will,’ or ‘everything is going to be okay.’
A helpful recommendation was that every cancer patient was different, and they needed or wanted support in many ways. The best way to help was to ask Rain if there were things I could do to help her.
I had keep things normal. Don’t skirt around the issue, but don’t let cancer to be THE issue.
It was important to make sure I was in a place of peace before the visit. I thought long and hard about all my feelings for Rain, during my flight to Phoenix.
I was going to make sure Rain knew that I loved her no matter what.
I wasn’t going to bail on her, even if she didn’t love me back. Whatever time Rain had left, I wanted to share it with her.
She was my friend and she had done a lot for me. She was probably scared and needed support. I was going to be at her side no matter what. I knew it was going to be painful watching her going through her treatment. I had to be strong for her.
If we were to have any hope of defeating Rain’s cancer, we had to stay positive.
Plenty of people have beaten cancer. I knew Rain would fight. I knew she wasn’t ready to die, and I wasn’t ready to lose her.
***
Very soon, Rain and I set into a pattern with chemotherapy sessions. I would drive Rain to the hospital stayed with her, sitting in the chair beside her, my laptop open as I worked whilst the drugs traveled into her body.