“Oh, who are the elders?”
“Shayne’s, Dad; Ben’s Dad; Jacob’s Mum.”
“What about Joshua?”
“Hadn’t he told you? His Mum died a couple of months ago. The pastor told the whole congregation she died because she was a sinner. His Dad is a real mess and doesn’t talk to Joshua.”
“What did she die of?”
“Breast Cancer.”
“How does that make you a sinner?”
“We don’t know. Some of them convinced her not to have treatment.”
Justine dropped her head, whispering, “Oh shit.” The whole heavy weight of the responsibility she had taken on suddenly had become clear to her. After a little contemplation she decided on a path.
“You purposely mentioned about my having been a lesbian. I am happy to talk about that if you wish under the understanding that the conversation is for us only. It will be a very private conversation and you are not to go blabbing it around.”
Both reddened and look at one another.
Justine broke the silence by asking a leading question. “Is there anything you would like to ask me about being a lesbian. I know it’s different for guys, but my experience was not necessarily so different.”
Shayne was obviously nervous, but he did take up the challenge, stuttering,” H-How did you know you were a lesbian in the first place and wh-why did you change?”
“Well, I will tell you about me first. I don’t usually like talking about myself a lot but there are many paths for coming out and it has a lot to do with your background. ” This was an accurate statement about herself. She was usually more of a listener. This episode with the lads had made her more forthcoming. In a way it was probably her trying to create a cloak of justification over this outrageous situation she had got into.
“I come from a wealthy background that goes right back to the original pastoralists in this district at the beginning of settlement. I am not so wealthy now but, in my background, there are farmers, lawyers and doctors. My grandfather flew spitfires in the second world war from Malta and the middle east, so I suppose we are respectable old money. My parents, despite being old money were really quite liberal.
We are Anglicans although I only usually enter churches for births, deaths and marriages. I have been known to turn up at Christmas and Easter. By the way I thought New Zealand Baptists were more like Anglican’s, but your particular church sounds like some reactionary American Southern Baptist.”
Shayne replied to that, “It’s the eldership. Its largely led by Bens Dad. It’s the Eldership who got the Pastor in. He was the one that introduced the purity pledge. The thing about gays has been going on since I remember. People have actually moved into the district to attend this church. It has a stink reputation that attracts nutters.”
“Ok some parishes are a bit like that. High Anglicans can be very conservative and of course the Catholics have their minority sects Did you know the local Anglican pastor is gay?”
“Hey, no we didn’t.”
Back to me. I used to have a very close childhood friend named Annie. Her parents were the opposite of mine, and both her mother and father were quite abusive toward her. A couple of times my parents got involved when she turned up at our place with bruises. She used to stay with me a lot. I think she was afraid to go home.”
Justine took a moment to replenish their tea.
When we got into our teens, we used to talk about boys a lot because it was the done thing. As Annie used to sleep over, we started practicing kissing before going to bed. Of course, this escalated. I think my parents knew what was going on but tolerated it. Annie’s parents did not have a clue. It got to a point that the boys we went out with were not so exciting, but she and I were really into one another. At high school we did not get much flack as Annie was pretty sporty and I was a swat and we were both pretty popular with the other girls so if anyone thought of putting us down, did so at their peril.
There came a time when I came out to my parents. Which was sweet. It was like, ‘What you two gay? We always knew that. Anything else happen today?'”
It was different for Annie. She thought her mother would understand. It took a lot of courage and she finally told her. Her mother beat her. When her dad got home, he told her to leave home. She spent the last year at high school living at our place. She basically dropped out.
She decided for us that she was going to have a baby. I was going to support the family with some high paying job. That was the dream. So, when I started at Uni we moved into an apartment together. She went out and somehow got inseminated. She didn’t consult me. I do not know to this day who the father might be.
For a while, things were cool. I learnt to love that baby. It could have been mine. Annie started to become possessive about it and things turned sour. I got to a point where I couldn’t do anything right by her account and she started to gaslight me. She was saying I wasn’t gay enough or I was trying to take her daughter away from her. She would say there was something wrong with me. I was a mental case or something. I could ignore her and just hang out at Uni but that made her worse.
The sex with her had always been amazing but she started to get rough, pulling my hair and slapping me. She got a strap-on and she was so rough I had to get stitches to my anus. One day she actually attacked me and scratched me quite badly. At this time, I had started work and they noticed it. We almost had the police around. I actually did become a mental case, really; I believe I was traumatized by the experience. My work suffered and I felt trapped. I actually contemplated suicide.
I used to confide in a colleague at work. He and I started with coffee but moved on to lunches. Finally, one day Annie and I had a row and I stormed out and I ended up spending the night at Mikes. I realized then that I was actually romantically in love with Mike. I had never been that way with Annie. With her there was attachment and commitment on my part right up until it was intolerable.
There was sexual attraction with Annie. I literately had to learn to have sex with Mike. In that period, I was totally confused. You hear all this talk about genders. What gender is there that romantically likes guys but is sexually is attracted to women. I decided I was a Homosexual Heteroromantic, but Mike could not get his head around that and it eventually led to our breakup. He was quite a jealous guy. He honestly worked on it, but he couldn’t handle the idea that he was in competition with both other men and women. He suffered anxiety over it. I was devastated because I was head over heels in love. I believe he was too, but it became intolerable for him.