The fall and rise of a marriage by wieliczka,wieliczka

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“Brian, I know that we’re workin’ on things, but it’s really hard with you not being here. I mean…except for the time I was delivering Ron, we were always together at Christmas.”

I wanted to run home this night and be there tomorrow, but I knew that I shouldn’t. We’ve made some progress, but we had a shit load more to go. Besides, I wasn’t thrilled about the weather as well as I still had a lotta repairs to go here. Staying together and workin’ things out is the person that I am. My last ditch effort was me running away, but finally engaging with Zoom counseling sessions was part of my progress.

“Yes Deb, this will be the first. If it wasn’t for ZOOM, I wouldn’t see any of you.”

“Brian? Do you think that we’re making any progress? I’m scared.”

WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? DEBBIE ADMITTING FEAR? WHAT THE….

“Excuse me Deb, what did you say?”

“Have we been making any progress?”

“Deb?” I waited a bit to start speaking up again. “I’m scared too.”

…

Tuesday Jan 19, 2021 Marriage session Brian, Debbie and Therapist Judy

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“Brian, you appear to be a bit upset over what Deb just said. Can you tell us why?”

As Brian has done before, he slowly inhales, holds his breath and then much more slowly exhales. I know that he’s trying to put his thoughts into words, careful words that will not needlessly create more disruption with Debbie. She’s better at not reading negative things into his words. He’s said in the past that unless his words were exact, she’d tear him apart — finding real or imagined meanings in his words. He never has the option to freely talk off the top of his head. He has said many times, that he did not have the freedom to just be free with her. He tries to be careful in his words. Sometimes now even he thinks that he’s more careful then he ‘should be’.

“Did you know that there’s only one correct way to boil water?” Deb cringed and I realized that this was going to be another example of their control issues.

“You see, a specific pot should be used. A specific burner is to be used. A specific heat setting is to be used. And finally, a specific pot lid should be used. Oh, I forgot, the pot should also only have a specific water level. God help me is all of these non-negotiable demands are not met.”

He rubbed his forehead while closing his eyes. Deb was quietly crying.

“Deb has to be in control. It really doesn’t matter what. She gets an idea and that’s that.” He paused before he continued in a softer, world weary quiet voice. “There’s no room around Deb for anybody but Deb.”

Deb was sniffling several times were then followed by her blowing her nose. Then Deb signaled me and Brian to speak. This was one of the important things that Deb had been working on — allowing others to talk and for her to listen. It’s only after that — acknowledge what they said BEFORE she can reply. I motioned for her to start.

“First off, I now know that the boiling water bit is way over the top. Brian would keep the tea kettle half full and just take enough for a cup of instant coffee or herbal tea. I did ask him a couple of times to be less wasteful, but he fought me on it. I finally got so pissed that I demanded he do it may way and hounded him if I ever saw him do it any other way.” She exhaled, looking defeated.

“Being right, being efficient, being frugal … all took a back seat to my marriage. What did you say a couple of weeks ago? Something about all our decisions have to be for OUR marriage.

“I get it that Brian was upset about what I had just said. I was back to making the world…no, make that Brian’s world … conform to me and me alone.” Looking worn, she became quiet.

After a minute, Brian spoke up. “Deb, there’s another thing. I have a part of this mess. I’d get so burned out before that I wouldn’t even acknowledge you or your feelings. I gotta say no to you. You gotta be ok with me saying no to you in my respectful way without all your fuckin’ drama. You need to be able to respond to me, in a respectful way, that ‘no’ is ok answer to you. No, not you, US. It has to be OK with us.”

…..

Tuesday Jan 26, 2021 Marriage session Brian, Debbie and Therapist Judy

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“Brian, we’ve discussed about this before …”

“STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. DON’T YOU DARE TALK TO ME IN THAT ARROGANT AND CONDESCENDING VOICE AND TONE.” The anger showed in his voice, his face, his entire being.

“I HAVE MEANING. I AM WORTH SOMETHING. I DEMAND FUCKIN’ RESPECT. I’M DONE FOR TODAY.”

Brian disconnected from the ZOOM session and it only Deb and I were left. The look of shock on her face was followed by sorrow and defeat.

“Deb, let’s take some time to settle down and then we can talk about things. OK?” She nodded while wiping her eyes.

Deb and Brian have been making some progress in the past several weeks. As in many cases for couples, two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes it was two steps backward followed by three steps forward. For some other couples, it was the start of realizing that the break up was going to be permanent.

After a few minutes, Deb started talking. “I get it. I really get it.” She wiped her eyes again. “I know that I’m better. I know that I’m smarter. I see the answers before anyone else and I’m impatient when someone doesn’t see it as quickly as I do.” She continued to wipe her eyes.

“He’s right you know. I hold everybody else in contempt. Well, maybe not contempt. I just think less of them because they don’t … Maybe Brian is really right. We shouldn’t be married.”

“Deb, who does your taxes?”

“Brian does. I handle the bill paying. He does taxes and the financials. We both agree in general budgets and big purchases. I do the bill paying. Why did you ask?”

“I’ve listened to both of you and have seen that there is a division to the responsibilities in your marriage. In one session you told us that the taxes and retirement accounts were something that you had no interest learning the intricate details needed. As long as you had a summary, you didn’t care what the accounts were invested in. In fact, you didn’t really want to know was the risk level of the mutual funds in all of your 401Ks. It was only after he forced you that you’d listened to him about it. In the end, what he spoke about was very important.

“For the house, you’ve helped repair and rehab, but he did the planning and heavy rehab and most of the repairs. In fact, I remember the incident when he tried to tell you something technical and the consequences of about rewiring the garage in a certain way. You just shut him down and told him to do it quick. It turned out later that it wasn’t what you really wanted and then fought about it until he redid his work to what you finally said that you really wanted.”

At this point Deb was intensely interested in where this was going. “You see, both of you have different strengths and interests. You may consider that you are smarter in certain areas, but you’ve demonstrated that you are not in other areas.”

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