Taylor’s expression went from joyous to fearful. “…The formula?”
“Just do your best,” I coaxed her. Remember all the n’s and r’s? Just try to recreate it.”
It took her two tries. After the first one, I nudged her in the right direction, and after she rewrote it, I grinned and took my hand off of the formula. Taylor went right back to joyful, standing up and cheering.
“Oh my god! Oh my god! We did it! Can I, like, hug you?”
Um…” I stood up awkwardly. “I mean, sure, if you want.” Taylor held her arms out and approached me, giggling as she gave me a friendly hug. I pulled my pelvis back for shameful reasons.
“You saved me. Thank you sooo much!” She pulled back from the hug, still beaming at me. “You’re a really nice guy. I can’t believe you’ve never even kissed a girl. I hope that changes for you soon.”
I gave a sheepish laugh. “You remembered that, huh?”
She chuckled. “Yeah.”
“By the way, how is Crystal doing? Is she going to be okay? I can’t imagine what she must be feeling.”
“I think she’s going to be alright,” Taylor admitted. “One of our friends talked to the school counselor about it and she told us the school knows what we’re up to and that there’s a kind of don’t ask don’t tell policy. As long as it doesn’t become too much, like, public knowledge, the school won’t crack down on it, because apparently that’s really hard to do.”
“Yeah, I can believe that,” I replied. “That’s very progressive of them.”
Taylor didn’t react to me. “I’m just glad nothing bad is going to happen to her. Because I – I mean…”
I smiled in understanding. “Can I assume you’ve sent nudes too?”
Taylor glanced up the stairs to find the closed door to the basement. She turned back to me, bit her lip in shame and nodded.
I put my hands in my pockets to adjust my pants, making sure anything there wasn’t obvious. “Don’t worry. I don’t think any less of you for doing it, at all. Do what you like. I mean, no sex for three months, right?”
She chuckled softly. “So you remembered that too.” She looked off in annoyance. “It’s, like, closer to four now. I don’t know how you manage to stay sane, you haven’t done it at all.”
“Let’s just say I don’t know what I’m missing, yet.” Was that suave? It felt suave. For me, at least, it was suave.
“Anyway, what do I owe you? What do you think that lesson was worth?” she asked me, changing the topic, looking for her wallet in her purse.
For a guy scared of social interaction, I sure wasn’t afraid of being bold when I wanted to. I just never had a reason to be bold, I guess. Had I explored friendships more, I would have found out earlier that I was the type to say exactly what was on his mind. And I wasn’t ready to change the subject just yet.
“Can I be real with you?” I asked.
Taylor gave me a weird look. “Um, yeah. Of course.”
I exhaled the last of my nerves away. “If you mean what you, uh, said, I have a solution that works out for both of us. I guess I do kind of want to know what I’ve been missing. If you’d feel comfortable taking pictures of yourself for me, you could, uh, save money. I don’t really care about money anyways, but, uh… yeah.”
Yup, I just said that. Taylor looked at me with the most shocked face I’d ever seen her have. For the first couple of seconds she didn’t say anything.
Too many seconds. “Was that, uh, out of line? I didn’t-”
“I mean, it was weird, but…” Taylor trailed off. She supplemented the awkward silence with a nervous laugh. “You are a guy, so… I guess I shouldn’t be that shocked, huh?”
I parroted her awkward laugh. “Yeah.”
“I think… I think we should keep it to money though, like, if that’s okay with you.”
I honestly took it surprisingly well. I think I was expecting her to say no. The rejection didn’t hurt at all. I mean, the most popular girl in school was turning down the least popular guy. Practically every media piece about high school had prepared me for this.
“Taylor, if you didn’t want to send it, I wouldn’t want to see it,” I pointed out.
She smiled. “Is it mean to tell you ‘no’ then say, ‘I wish more boys were like you?'” she asked with a laugh.
“Hey, it’s self-aware,” I said with a shrug. “I dunno. Twenty is fine.”
“Okay.” She reached into her wallet and handed me a twenty-dollar bill. “Here you go. Sorry. Y’know.”
“No, I’m sorry I made it awkward,” I replied. “I should probably be better at picking up on these cues and now this kinda thing is in the open. I hope you don’t think less of me or something.”
“Oh no. Not at all, no,” she instantly replied. “Yeah, not at all. It’s just… y’know? My gut tells me no.”
“Then let’s listen to it,” I replied with more confidence than I usually had replying to… well, anything. “Perhaps you should take me home now?”
“Yeah, good idea.”
With that, we went back upstairs and promptly got into her car. We made polite small talk, though I think I was back to the short answers again on the way. It got to the point where I wanted to address it, even if I knew it might dig me a bigger hole.
“Uh, sorry if my answers are, uh, shorter again. I just feel embarrassed and-”
“I understand, and don’t feel embarrassed,” Taylor let me know. “Is this the place?”
“Uh, yeah,” I replied feebly.
“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow at class. We can figure out if we need to, like, continue the tutoring after, okay? I guess it depends on how I do on the test or something.”
“Uh, yeah, sounds good. Have a good night!” After I closed the door, she drove off.
I was a few minutes late. You might guess Mother tore me a new one but to be honest she never really cared that much about punctuality. Father was surprised to see me come home after him “for the first time in his life,” but both of them were glad to hear that I finally got paid for my tutoring services. Mother thought I should have gotten more than twenty, and hey, I nearly got more. Much more.
After supper, Kevin and I hung out in our room, as usual. “Her place, huh? It’s getting serious.”
I laughed as I eyed the floor. “Jealous?” I mumbled, in a tone that wasn’t normally mine. Truth be told, I was embarrassed and horrified at myself for asking Taylor to do such a thing – well, only embarrassed and horrified because she said no, but still. Internally I felt hot with shame. Externally, though, I felt almost empowered. Was this what made guys dicks? Should I maybe have stopped being around the popular kids, lest I end up outside a school gym fist-bumping over getting to see some non-consensual nudes?
Kevin just laughed. “This is cool, dude. Welcome to planet us. It’s only uphill from here, although, if by some cosmic magic you sleep with Taylor, it’s only downhill after that.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I just shrugged. Kevin certainly had his view of the world, and he was hoping that I was going to join him soon. Frankly I just kind of wanted my own world.
Right before curfew, I was in the washroom brushing my teeth, doing the usual stuff, getting ready for bed. On the counter, my phone vibrated. It was Taylor.
Hey, are you still up
Puzzling. Immediately, I put down the toothbrush and answered.
Yes, I am. What can I do for you?