“What?” I smiled.
“I’ve never seen you… disarranged before.”
“Oh, sorry. I know I look like crap after napping on a closet floor.”
“No, you don’t. Quite the opposite.”
I looked at him and smirked.
“Are you saying I look sexy right now?”
“Answering that will get me into trouble,” he sighed and averted his gaze.
“Oh joy, stuffy Mr. Serious is back,” I grumbled.
“Zoe, being informal and close to you was wonderful, but we can’t do it anymore. It’s not proper, and it’s really distracting. I don’t think we can handle it.”
“God, I know. You constantly remind me. I don’t think it’s true,” I muttered.
“Seriously? You’re not being considerate of my feelings right now,” he snapped.
“Oh, really? You have no room to talk. Do you even know how many times you’ve made me cry with your cold indifference? You confess your admiration for me, and then you shun me like I’m a pariah. I expect it now. It hurts less. What little affection I get from you eases the suffering.”
The furious scowl he gave me after that made my stomach flutter.
“Don’t talk to me about suffering or romantic relationships. You have no fucking clue what I’ve been through. I found love and immediately lost it. I would rather die than go through that again. That’s why I’ve been alone for ten years. Did you ever consider that? Or do you only think about yourself and what you want from me? I thought you were better than that. Do you even care what I want?”
“Of course, I care, but you won’t tell me what you want! You keep pushing me away!”
“Because I can’t have what I want!”
“Why not?” I demanded.
He let out a growl of a sigh and shook his head.
“Garrett, tell me what you want. I think I can handle it.”
“No, you can’t.”
“I know you want to be close to me. I want that too, but you jump away from me at every turn. It’s so frustrating. I wish you would just do what you want to do for a change. I’m sure it would be more satisfying than our current relationship. The constant rejection is wearing me down.”
Father Garrett’s expression looked defeated at that point. I felt it too.
“Okay… can I be close to you for a moment, Zoe?”
“Yes, please.”
He stepped forward like he would embrace me, but he didn’t. Instead, he gently touched my arms and searched my eyes like he did in the classroom before confessing his admiration. My heart doubled its pounding as he stood less than an inch away. I could feel his breath on my face and the warmth of his body. It was exhilarating.
“Your skin smells like Abigail’s,” he whispered.
My stomach dropped at that point. He had been acting like I was tormenting him, and that was why.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. You should have told me,” I whispered and began to step back.
“Don’t,” he breathed and seized my arms, pulling me close again.
My heart did a funny thump as he held me in place. His breathing was excited as he squeezed my arms to the point of pain. He eased off after a second and took a slow breath, trying to calm his emotions.
“It’s so unfair,” he whispered.
The longing in his voice broke my heart.
“No wonder you kept running away from me. I am so sorry. I never wanted to be a painful reminder of Abigail.”
“Stop apologizing, Zoe. You’re not a painful reminder of her. God, I wish it were that simple.”
He pulled me a little closer, letting my breasts rest against his chest. His lips were gently touching my forehead as his hot breath moistened my skin. The feelings that tore through me at that point left me dizzy.
“I don’t understand. You want to be close to me, but when you are, you act like you don’t enjoy it. Are you using me to punish yourself? Is it penance?”
“Please, shut up, Zoe. You are beyond naive. I am not that virtuous. Being close to you awakens my senses. I haven’t felt like this in over ten years. I honestly didn’t think I could feel this way after losing Abigail. You make me ache with desire like I did with her. It’s wonderful. I wish I could enjoy it more,” he whispered as he released my arms and touched my neck.
He looked into my eyes and leaned a little closer. I parted my lips, expecting him to kiss me, but he didn’t. He closed his eyes and bit his lip as he pulled our foreheads together. My nerves were shattered at that point. I was trembling as I listened to his shaky breathing. I was aroused and confused by his behavior. I naively thought I understood Father Garrett.
“How can I help? What do you want from me?” I whispered.
He laughed at my question and shook his head. He sounded distraught.
“No, Zoe. It’s wrong.”
“What’s wrong?” I demanded.
“What I want from you.”
Suddenly, he backed me against the door, sending my heart into my throat. I closed my eyes as he ran his fingers into my hair. His body was tight against mine, keeping me from moving. I could feel the warmth of his lips close to mine. His breath filled my lungs, and I suddenly wanted to taste his mouth.
“Please kiss me,” I begged.
“No, I can’t. I’m afraid to kiss you. The instant I act on my desires, my world will fall apart. Just like it did with Abigail.”
He sounded anguished, and I didn’t know how to comfort him. I was dizzy with arousal as he gently turned my head and smelled my hair. I shuddered when his nose tickled my ear.
“You are using me to torment yourself.”
“Maybe. I deserve it.”
“Do I?”
“No, of course not.”
“Then give me what I want. I can’t take the rejection anymore.”
Father Garrett took a deep breath and searched my eyes. His fingers were still playing in my hair and trailing down the back of my neck.
“I can’t do it openly. I would lose my job, and you would be expelled.”
“I know. I’ll keep it a secret. I’ll protect you if you protect me.”
He smiled softly and caressed my bottom lip with his thumb. I wished he would kiss me already. I knew he was thinking about it.
“Zoe… are you wearing one of those contraceptive rings?” he asked as he leaned closer to my face, teasing me with a potential kiss.
“No. I had no reason to.”
He breathed out as our noses touched, making my knees a little weak.
“Will you wear one for me?” he whispered close to my lips, sending a spike of tingly arousal up the center of my body.
I gulped and nodded. I didn’t trust my voice at that point. I finally knew what he wanted, and it was thrilling.
“Wait, I… I don’t have any left. I gave the last batch to the Women’s Group.”
Father Garrett smiled, reached into his pocket, and pulled a familiar square packet out. It was the contraceptive ring that almost fell into his coffee a week earlier.
“Here, you have to wear it for a week before it will work,” he whispered and put it in my hand.
“How do I wear it, exactly?”
“You put it deep inside yourself, against your cervix. Can you do that?”
“Uh… I can try,” I gulped.
He looked at me with his brow furrowed for a moment.