Oscar sat up, an amused look on his face. “You’re not thinking of leaving me and the girls, are you?”
“No, I don’t think I am, anyway,” I replied, not at all certain in my answer.
“But you want to sleep with him, don’t you?” Oscar persisted.
“Oscar, how can you say that? You’re the only man I’ve ever been with.”
“I know. But I’ve been with many other women prior to you. Maybe you are curious what it is like to be intimate with another man,” he pointed out.
I sighed deeply. I couldn’t believe I was openly talking about cheating against my marital vows with my husband.
“How are you so calm to talk of me possibly cheating?” I asked him. “Are you not enraged? At Marco? At me?”
“There is an old saying,” Oscar answered. “You can try to hold on to something so tight and fight so hard so you will never lose it. But sometimes it is better to let go, so you can know if there’s even something still left to hold on to.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I admitted.
“Just be honest with me, Irene. Don’t hide your relationship with him from me. Our daughters, yes, spare them. But, me, I’d rather not be blind.”
I was practically in tears. My husband was giving me permission to sleep with Marco, and I was confused by his reaction. My husband should fight for me, I thought, and yet, he seemed to stand aside so I can be with Marco. Suddenly, Oscar looked very small in my eyes.
With that, my husband turned out the lights in our room, and we were draped in a cloak of darkness. Soon he was snoring next to me, but I hardly slept a wink that night. I had expected that maybe Oscar would talk me out of having an affair with Marco, but it seemed to be quite the opposite, and now it seemed like a foregone conclusion what action I would take tomorrow. The implications of my infidelity started to weigh on my mind. The thrill of being intimate with Marco played in my head, but I was also filled with fear. To be intimate with Marco meant putting my 47-year-old body on display for him. He says I am beautiful, but my clothes hide so many flaws. Surely Marco will be disappointed if he sees the real me. And then the fear hit me of facing my husband afterward. Oscar has seemingly blessed my infidelity, yet I should feel shame. I made a marital vow to only love my husband, and now I am on the verge of breaking my vow. I still could not comprehend how my husband will not be disgusted by me cheating on him. How he will not look upon me with contempt. And yet, my mind always circled back to Marco. I remembered the way he comforted me in the café earlier. How he made me feel beautiful and appreciated. I knew what I would do. I knew I would enter Marco’s apartment tomorrow night and make love to him.