I spent the next hour that Friday night going over the possible scenarios to why Ethan and Karen, the overeager soccer mom that had a son on EJ’s team, would be out- Together- Taking pictures!
Maybe he ran into her randomly.
…Maybe he wants to fuck her randomly!
Maybe they were at a team meeting.
…Maybe they were at a pre-fucking meeting!!
Maybe EJ and her son had a play date together.
…Maybe Ethan and Karen are together!!! FUCK!
Panicked, I looked through Karen’s Facebook page. It offered no insight. I could only see a limited amount of post because she is not my friend on Facebook. I saw posts that tagged Ethan, a lot of soccer related stuff. Not surprising. Same shit on her Instagram. Karen acted like… well, your typical soccer mom at EJ’s soccer game. The new picture she posted was the only thing not related to the boys. I can only see their faces, so I don’t know if it’s a close up or a selfie.
UGHHHHH I SWEAR I’M GONNA FUCKING SCREAM IF SHE TOOK A SELFIE WITH HIM!
I felt sick to my stomach thinking about every time I saw her touch him at the soccer game. Why was I so quick to write it off as being friendly? Was it intimate? Did he encourage it? Fuck. I spent too much energy on being upset with Rocky, I wasn’t even paying attention. I got up and took a shot of Brandon’s Crown. I took 2 more before I went back to bed. The drinks and the stress of the day finally caught up to me, because I finally was able to force myself asleep.
I woke up early Saturday morning, thanks to my nerves and full bladder. I really needed to talk to someone about this. I was desperate, but not desperate enough to wake Rocky up and risk her wrath. I know she was working on her attitude- not trying to cause her to relapse.
I throw on some jeans and a t-shirt and head to Chick-fil-A. After securing a couple chicken biscuits and coffees, I headed to the one person I knew who would hear me out and give me good advice. I banged on his door for a full minute before it finally opened.
“Lily?” Trevor asked, squinting and rubbing his eyes in the morning light. “Is everything ok?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. I brought breakfast.” I gestured to the bags.
He looked confused for a moment. “Um, thanks, but if you’re fine, I’ll catch up with you later…”
I shook my head. “No, Sleep later. I need to talk to yo-”
“Trevor??” A woman’s voice called out, cutting off my words.
“Give me a sec.” He called back to her.
A feeling of deja vu washed over me as I saw the scene play out in front of me. It wasn’t the first time I interrupted Trevor with a girl, probably wouldn’t be the last. I just had no idea he was dating anyone right now. He never mentioned it, or her, why was he hiding it from me? I quickly snapped out of it and shoved the food into his hand.
“Sorry for interrupting.” I said, turning to flee down the stairs of his apartment.
“Lilypad, wait. You sure you’re ok?” He asked.
“Yep. Nothing I can’t handle. Bye T-Rev.” I said, never turning around.
If I wasn’t so freaked out by the picture of Ethan and Karen, I would be freaking out about the new girl Trevor was seeing. I would be pestering him for information about how he felt about her, but I was much more concerned about my potential love life then whatever going on in Trevor’s.
I headed to Sammy’s next. This time I called before knocking. I would hate to interrupt anyone else’s morning after.
“Hello…” She answered.
“Hey. I have an Ethan emergency.”
“Ok…shoot”
“Can I come over?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok. I’m at the door.”
After a moment, Sammy opened the door wearing nothing but a sheet.
“You coulda got dressed.” I commented, stepping through the door.
“What? With you at the door? With an Ethan emergency? Never.” She answered, sarcastically.
I ignored her. After she threw on some clothes, I showed her the saved images I took of all of Ethan and Karen’s interactions on Facebook.
She sat on the couch and went through them. She examined the picture that I discovered last night. She asked me to explain their behavior at EJ’s game. I did.
“Ok. She’s definitely into him. Did he seem interested in her?”
“I don’t know…”
“Was he joking with her? Touching her back? Leaning in to listen to her? Checking her out?” Sammy questioned me.
“I don’t think so- They were just talking. Like normal; how he would talk to me.” I replied.
Sammy sighed. “You’re giving me nothing.” I looked down, frustrated with myself. “You know what? It doesn’t matter.” Sammy declared.
“Yes it does! I’m meeting him Sunday! What am I supposed to do?” I groaned, looking up at her.
“You have two options. The first one is to pretend like you didn’t see it. You continue as planned and see if he still wants to get together with you. Then, what’s going on between them doesn’t matter.”
That seemed impossible. I can’t just ignore a woman he has constant contact with. Even if we do start to date, I would need to know what happened between them.
“What’s option two?”
“Confront and fuck him.” Sammy said, plainly.
“What?” I said, outraged.
“Hear me out. He kissed you right? At the very least he’s still attracted to you. If he’s not dating her, then you’re staking your claim. If he is, then you’re forcing him to choose. All you gotta do is make sure you’re the better choice.” Sammy said, matter of factly.
“I can’t do that. I want it to be more than sex, remember? Ethan’s not a cheater. If he is dating her, I don’t wanna make him one.” I explained.
“It started off as sex last time- just make sure you lock him down this time. If he is dating her, he’s already a cheater.” Sammy said. “He clearly likes you more if he will cheat on her with you, if that makes you feel better.”
For some reason, that really didn’t make me feel better.
——————————-
When I get back home, Brandon is at work and Rocky is in her room with her friend Peyton, watching tv.
“Hey. Quick question for you.” I said, after saying hello to them. “Do you know if Ethan is seeing anyone?”
“I told you he wasn’t.” Rocky answered.
“I know, but there was a picture on Facebook of him and some soccer mom posted up together-”
“There were also pictures of you and Trevor in Austin. Anything going on with the two of you?” Rocky raised an eyebrow at me.
“Of course not. This morning I interrupted him with some girl.” I sighed.
“Strawberry Blonde? A little taller than me?” Peyton grinned.
“I don’t know. I didn’t see her.” I said, annoyed. Who fucking cares?
“Well, anyway, that still proves my point. Don’t believe everything you see. They might just be good friends.” Rocky finished.
When I crossed my arms, she sighed. “I’ll listen out, but remember, Brandon and I are staying out of this.”
“Thanks Rocky.” I say, insincerely.
“Lily. Come on and watch this with us.” Rocky said when I turn to leave.
“Yes! Come get caught up with us for the premier next weekend!” Peyton added.
“Fine” I said, before hopping on the bed with them, hoping the show would be enough to keep me from stressing about Ethan, our brunch and a selfie loving soccer mom.
—————————-
Sunday morning I was up at 6 am, a ball of nerves. I was surprised I got any sleep at all. I looked at the outfit I set out last night and decided it was all wrong. I went in my closet and start throwing options into a bag. I grabbed my nude wedges- Those were the only thing I was 100% sure about. I was loading up the car as I call Sammy. On the second try, she answered.
“Yeah?”
“I’m canceling with Ethan.” I declared.
She groaned. “Just come over.”
I already bugged her all night about my outfit. I talked her through my wardrobe. We even planned my hair and makeup. I knew I was being ridiculous, but I can’t help it. It was bad enough that I had no idea what I would say to Ethan or how he would respond. I can’t be unsure about my look too.
When I get to Sammy’s place, she pushed me in the shower. When I came out, wrapped in a towel, she already had a dress laid out on the bed and a bottle of tequila in her hands.
“Drink.” She commanded, handing me a shot. I make a face but did it. I realized I was in no position to argue with her. She made me take one more shot before she sat me down at her folding table that served as a dining room table. She then started on my hair with a curling wand. After that, she moved to my makeup. An hour later, she pointed to the dress and told me to put it on. She picked out an ethereal white lace dress with a scooped neckline and puffed short sleeves. It came about mid-thigh on me, which was surprising considering Sammy likes her dresses short.
“It was on sale.” She shrugged when I made a comment about the dress not being her style. “I knew it was way too big when I bought it. Fits you perfectly.” She said, wrapping a thin beige belt around my waist.
I then slipped on my nude wedges. I looked myself over in the mirror as she dug in her jewelry box. I was shocked at the mirror image staring back at me. My skin looks flawless. My lashes look amazing, long and curled, framing my eyes. The gold shimmer and brown liner Sammy used brought out the amber flecks in my hazel eyes. It looked so soft and natural. My lips were a glossy rose color. My hair framed my face, falling in waves past my shoulders. The dress was modest, but sexy in the way it hugged my curves. My legs looked long and shapely in the wedges.
“Ohmygod Sammy…” I started, truly in awe. I was overwhelmed. I don’t remember the last time I felt so pretty.
“I know. I’m a miracle worker.” She said, coming back to place a large gold locket around my neck to match the gold studs I had in my ears. “You’re going to have to learn to do what everyone else does…”
“Hire you as my stylist?” I beamed.
“No! Get on YouTube! Find beauty tutorials. And it’s way past time for a trip to the hair salon, by the way.” She replied, leading me to the door. “Good luck. Call me!”
I promised I would before I left for Button’s. I arrived at the restaurant early, so I texted Ethan to let him know I was there and waited in my car. My nerves are still running wild, but Sammy’s styling had me feeling like I was in a costume. I just needed to play the role. A super cool, confident, sexy alter ego of myself who can conquer the world. One man at a time. I was listening to Beyonce in my car to help me get into my role. Not even 5 minutes after I texted, I saw Ethan’s truck pull up. I got out my car and watched him park further down from me. He saw me after I waved and headed my way.
“Good morning.” I said, with a smile.
“Good morning.” He said, his eyes drinking me in. “You look good.” He said, when he finally met my eyes. It wasn’t much, compliment-wise. The way he said it, paired with how he was looking at me, sent a wave of confidence and awareness through my body.
“So do you.” I said, truthfully. He kept it simple and clean in pressed khaki’s and a navy-blue print shirt. He was rocking a neatly trimmed goatee, which I loved. He always looks so perfectly put together and effortlessly sexy. I normally struggled to keep up. Today, I felt like his equal for once. If things went well, I was going to take a selfie of us together!
“Happy Father’s Day.” I said, giving him a hug.
“Thank you.” He said, pulling back from me.
“Is it weird not having EJ with you?” I asked him, as we walked to the restaurant.
“A little. I actually wanted him for the whole weekend, but he wanted to stay at his mom’s so he could surprise me.”
I smiled at him. “You need to work on your surprised face since you already know you’re getting one.”
“No, I’m actually already surprised he put in so much effort.”
“I’m not. You’re an awesome dad. Makes perfect sense to me.” I commented.
“Thanks Lily.” Ethan said, looking me in the eyes as he opened the door for me.
I blushed and entered the restaurant. The smell of the food from the buffet hit me immediately. It smelled delicious. Thankfully, Ethan made a reservation, so we didn’t have to wait long.
“So did you talk to your dad yet?” Ethan asked me, as he let me pass to follow the hostess.
“I did. Yesterday actually. That’s when he got my gift.” I said, picking a chair at the table and sitting down.
I got my dad a gift certificate for Brookstone and a Hallmark card. And yes, I know that was generic and no thought process at all. I pride myself on being a great gift giver. Honestly, everyone wished that I was their secret Santa. That’s how much thought and care I put into gifts. As a kid, I tried really hard to gift him something he would love and use, to no avail. My dad is IMPOSSIBLE to shop for, so I don’t.
“We talked for like 5 minutes and he guilt tripped me into planning a trip back to California soon. I guess I’m going to have to go anyway to get the rest of my stuff when me and Sammy move into our apartment next month.” I rambled on. The tequila shots, coupled with the lack of sleep and food, is making me more chatty than normal. Apparently, my rambling didn’t bother him as he nodded at me.
“Really? Already found an apartment?” He asked.
“Yes. It’s a great townhome in Addison. I can’t wait for you to see it. We just gotta sign the lease.” I said, excitedly.
“Great. Congratulations.” He said.
When the waitress made her way over, he asked me, “Are we drinking to celebrate?”
I shook my head. That’s the last thing I needed. “No. I’m planning to eat all my calories at the buffet. Drinks are a waste of stomach room.”
He smiled at that and ordered himself coffee, water for me and the buffet for us both. After the waitress left, we got up to get our food. We take our time looking everything over before we loaded our plates with a combination of French toast, cheese grits, fried fish, collard greens, fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, and fresh cut fruit. The food was a welcomed distraction once we returned to the table. It gave me a chance to relax and get comfortable with him. We spend the meal sharing food and picking which was our favorite dish. It got more crowded as we ate. I didn’t have much room for seconds, but Ethan did go get us some gumbo to try that we couldn’t carry the first time around. While he was gone, a man who looked around my age paused in front of my table.
“That sure is a pretty dress.” He said, looking me over.
“Thank you.” I smiled, politely. I didn’t want to be rude, as he did offer me a compliment. The way he was staring at my chest was a little creepy.
“You treating your dad to breakfast too?” He asked finally looking at my face with a grin.
“No, she’s not.” Ethan answered for me, setting the gumbo in front of me and giving the guy a hard glare.
“Understood. Y’all enjoy your meal.” He nodded. Ethan didn’t sit down until the guy walked away.
“Looks like you’re making friends.” He stated, handing me a clean spoon.
“Apparently, the dress is.” I laughed.
He took a bite of the gumbo and I did the same, thrilled. I wanted to break out and do a victory shimmy in my chair, but I refrained. My alter ego would never do something so childish but his reaction to that random guy gave me the encouragement I needed to finally tell him how I felt. Why would he be possessive of me if he was with someone else? I felt jealous about Karen because I still had feelings for Ethan. He must still have feelings for me too!
“It’s pretty good.” Ethan commented about the gumbo.
“Yeah…is it bad that I’m thinking about where I want to go out to eat next time? Because this really makes me want Razzoo’s.”
“I haven’t been there in forever. In fact, I think I’ve been there twice since your first time.” He smiled at me.
“URGH, don’t remind me.” I giggled.
Me, Rocky and Sammy joined Ethan and some of his friends for happy hour. I got drunk off their gator punch, trying to keep up with Sammy. It wasn’t pretty, but Ethan took great care of me.
“We should go there again sometime. I feel like I need to redeem myself.” I said, as confidently as I could muster. While I was sure he had feelings for me, I still couldn’t help feeling nervous about asking him out. I never made the first move before.
“That’ll be fun. Maybe with Rocky and Brandon; remind them how far they’ve come since then.” Ethan suggested, with a smirk.
Even if he was serious about a double date, I didn’t want that on a first date. I wanted to start our relationship, not celebrate theirs. “Yeah. Or maybe just you and me. Like a date. Just the two of us.” I tried to say it as coolly as possible. There. I did it. My part was done, all he had to do was accept…
He studied me for an agonizing few seconds before saying,” I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
My heart stopped. I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. “Why not?” I asked, my voice shaky to my own ears.
“I’m dating someone right now. Karen, I don’t know if you remember her-”
“I remember.” I cut him off, deflated. I had been staring at their picture all weekend. My stomach dropped and twisted violently as I waited for him to continue.
“We started seeing each other before you moved back-” He confessed.
I looked at him in disgust. “Really?!? We kissed. You cheated on her.” I accused him.
He narrowed his eyes at me. “After what I went through, you really think I would cheat?”
I looked down, gnawing at my lip but didn’t answer.
“I didn’t cheat on her. We had been dating, but not exclusively. When you came back, I took a step back from her. Seeing you again stirred up a lot of old feelings for me. When you kissed me, I was tempted to fall back into a- relationship with you.” He clarified.
“What changed your mind?” I questioned. I didn’t know if I wanted to know the answer, but I needed to know.
“A relationship. I want a real one; not just having fun like we were doing back then.” He answered, simply.
“And you can’t see a relationship with me anymore?” I asked, softly. I knew I sounded pathetic, but if I didn’t ask, it would torment me.
“I don’t know. It’s been two years Lily-”
It was on the tip of my tongue to beg him to give us a chance. To confidethat time didn’t change anything for me. I still wanted to be with him. It was never just fun for me- I always liked him. But my fear of rejection made me hestant, and he continued.
“-I’ve invested time with Karen. I need to see where it goes.” Ethan finished.
I nodded, taking a deep breath. “I understand.” I forced myself to say. Just play the role…
“You do?”
“Yeah. I’m glad we cleared the air and I’m happy for you.” I lied, grabbing my water and sipping it down, trying to clear the lump from my throat. I willed myself not to cry, hoping he wouldn’t see through my lies.
He nodded but didn’t say anything. He refused my insistence on paying the bill since I asked him out and it was Father’s Day. After he paid, we left. Silence fell between us as I tried to maintain my super cool, confident, alter ego. I even gave him a hug as I thanked him for brunch and told him to enjoy his Father’s Day. I keep it together long enough to get to Sammy’s apartment. She opened the door and took one look at my face and knew something was up. My hair, make-up, dress and fake act couldn’t conceal my devastation from her.
“Lily…” She frowned, ushering me into her place.
I couldn’t hold it in anymore- I burst into tears.
——————————
***FLASHBACK ***
2 Years Prior
(First time at Razzos)
“I don’t get it! She’s tiny. How did I get drunk and she didn’t?!?!” I complained to Ethan as he led me to his car from the restaurant.
“Higher alcohol tolerance. I told you to slow down. Their gator punch is no joke.” Ethan reminded me as he opened the truck door for me.
I knew he did. I didn’t listen. I wanted to keep up with Sammy and show that I can be fun and playful and adventurous. Everything that Ethan needed right now; well what he needed according to his co-worker Daniel. Everyone at the table at Razzoo’s knew that Ethan and I were hooking up and they teased us mercilessly. Mostly Ethan’s friends teasing him about finally moving on from Megan… with the babysitter. It was in good fun and they encouraged him to enjoy being single.
While I knew I was just a rebound, hearing that was all I was to him hurt. So I drank and decided to be like Sammy: Fun loving and free-spirited. It worked: His friends loved me and I was too drunk off my ass to drive or care about anything besides not getting sick in Ethan’s truck.
“I think Rocky would have to drink 3 of them before she would ever consider hooking up with your brother. You should tell him that.” I rambled, as he helped me climbed in his truck. Brandon laid on the charm thick for Rocky. The way he was walking her to her car showed he was still trying. Rocky, as usual, paid him no attention.
“I won’t. I’m sure the reason he’s trying so hard is because he sees her as a challenge.” Ethan answered, closing my door before walking around to get in the car.
“Well, it’s never going to happen. Rocky has strict requirements. He’s not her type.” I commented when he got in.
“What’s your type?” He asked, starting up the car.
“You know me. My type is fun.” I said, channeling Sammy’s carefree attitude.
When he didn’t respond, I continued.
“Rocky only dates guys like you. Stable. Successful career. House. Car. And fucking gorgeous. She would totally overlook the fact that you have a kid.” When his eyebrows furrowed, I quickly added, “You know what I mean. EJ is incredible and you’re an incredible dad. She’s just not cool with baby momma drama.”
“I understand. I’m not cool with it myself.” He smirked, driving towards my house.
I snorted. “Megan is an idiot. You’re amazing, you know that? And I love my brother. He’s amazing in his own way. But you are… on another level. I couldn’t pick him over you.”
“I would hope not. I mean, he is your brother…” Ethan commented.
I giggled. “Not biologically.” When he shot me a distributed look, I cracked up laughing. “Just kidding. I mean, I am adopted, but I don’t have any weird porno feelings or anything like that towards him.” I sighed. “You’re just…. amazing and perfect. Amazingly perfect.”
“I’m far from perfect, but I appreciate it.” Ethan smiled as he pulled up to my house. He helped me out and walked me to the door. I fumbled with a key for a moment before I finally had it unlocked. When he didn’t make a move to follow me inside, I gave him a look.
“Are you coming in?” I asked him.
“Not tonight.” He said.
His rejection sobered me up. Of course not. My stupid mouth. I probably sounded like some love sick school girl. What his friends said is stuck in my mind. Have fun being single…
“Do you have plans?” I asked, cooly.
He shook his head.
“So why don’t you wanna come in? I promise, that was not a declaration of love. Just like. But not like like you like you. You’re just fun-”
“Lily, I know.” Ethan cut me off, sharply. “You’ve had a lot to drink-” He started to explain.
“Oh, I’m not that drunk! No means no. And I’m not saying no.” I pouted.
“My dad raised us that yes means yes. You’re in no state of mind to consent.”
“Ohmygosh. You sound like a cop. Do you wanna give me a sobriety test?”
“Sure. Spell sobriety.”
I exaggerate, tapping my chin, pretending like I need to think about it. “That’s not fair. Maybe I couldn’t spell it before.”
He smirked at me.
“But really, come in. We can hang out until you deem me fit to consent. I’ll even let you control the remote…”
He nodded. “Alright.”
He came in and I got us a couple bottles of waters. I was regretting giving him the remote when he had it on the history channel, but we didn’t even watch it. We talked instead- or I talked a lot and he listened and answered all my questions. We talked about our families, how we met our friends, my graduate school program and his job at an architect firm in Dallas. It was nice getting to know him better, but I couldn’t help getting drowsy. After my third yawn, he smiled. “Go to sleep.”
“Are you going to stay?” I replied, laying my head down against my pillow.
“Yes.”
“Good. We’ll discuss consenting in the morning.” I murmured, shutting my eyes.
The next thing I knew, I was awakened to Ethan kissing and rubbing all over my body.
“So you’re ok with taking advantage of a sleeping person, but not a drunk person?” I asked, my voice husky to my own ears.
“I said yes means yes. You were calling out for me.” Ethan responded, returning to my face to kiss my lips.
I gasped. “I was not.” I said between kisses.
“You did. Do you dream about me baby?”
“No…” I lied.
“I dream about you.” He admitted. He then pulled me on top of him so I was straddling him. “I dream about this. All the time. Do you consent?”
I nodded, nervous as hell. I had never been on top of him before and I was still uncomfortable about my body being on display. When we were undressed and he finally slid inside of me, I forget all about my insecurities and move my hips so it feels good to me. By his groans, I could tell he was enjoying it too. I rubbed my clitoris and he played with my tits as I rode him. When I discovered a move where he hit my spot inside me, I kept it up, moaning softly until I came. When the spasms stop, I opened my eyes and look at him. I had no reason to be concerned about what he thought of my body because his eyes are glued to my face. I blushed, thinking about how he saw my cum face. I was worried mine looked creepy.
We locked eyes for an intense moment, before he flipped me over. He buried his head into my neck as he re-entered me, feeling harder than before. He pumped into me, grinding his pelvis into mine, making me cry out as he came too. Afterwards, we both passed out. We slept late into the morning and he offered to take me to get my car from Razzoo’s once we were up. As we walked out to his truck, he put his arm around my shoulder and kissed me on my temple. He was never affectionate, outside of the bedroom, but I loved it. I turned to him, holding his face in my hands and give him a long, hungry kiss with lots of tongue. He groaned and palmed my ass, squeezing me closer to him.
“Later baby. Let’s go get your car.” He breathed.
“Ok.” I panted, pulling away with a smile. When I looked up towards his truck, I tripped over my own feet.
“Still need that sobriety test?” He laughed at me.
I couldn’t even laugh at his joke. My eyes were focused on the Honda Civic parked behind Ethan’s truck. The way Trevor was starring at me in disbelief and revulsion, I knew he saw us.
Fuck.
***FLASHBACK continued***
After moving to California
I sat on the bathroom floor in my room waiting for the nausea to pass. Popcorn, cookie dough, and fruit snacks probably wasn’t the best combination for a snack before bed. Especially after I had a double bacon cheeseburger and fries for dinner. My body was paying for it.
When I found out the truth about my mom fucking my adoptive dad and him believing I was the product of his affair, I reverted back into my old habit of binge eating. It has been 2 weeks since I visited my mom’s sister, my aunt Patricia, and learned the truth about my mother. My mom had an affair with my adoptive dad. He originally believed he was my biological father until a DNA test proved otherwise. I threw myself into food and work so I didn’t have to deal with the fucked-up-ness that is my life. That’s been my life since conception! I stayed busy so I didn’t have to deal with the missed calls from my Aunt, the lies from my dad and the reality that my mom really wanted nothing to do with me.
When I moved to go to college, I had the fantasy of coming back. Texas was a pit stop to my ultimate dream: become successful, skinny and reuniting with my mother. I had the successful part. I was a doctor of physical therapy and secured a fellowship at a prestigious hospital. I didn’t think I’ll ever be “skinny”. I’m 5’9 with boobs, hips and an ass. I think “athletic” is the closest I will get to skinny, but that was fine with me. I wasn’t willing to give up food and booze to be skinny, so I now that I had a workout routine and maintained a size 6, I was satisfied. The only thing missing was reuniting with my mom.
I had seen enough movies to know that my mother didn’t give me up because of me, but it didn’t help me feel any better. I needed to hear how much she missed me and how she hated not being in my life. I could have started looking for her when I was 18, but I wanted to accomplish my goals first. I wanted to make something of my life so she could be proud to call me her daughter. Now I knew it didn’t matter because I would never reunite with my mother. My aunt Patricia informed not only did she disappear, but my mom did not want contact with anyone in the family. Ever.
When my dad thought I was his biological daughter, he wanted my mom to sign away her parental rights so that she could never come back into my life. She was willing to do that until my dad found out I wasn’t his through a DNA test. My mom gave me up for adoption instead. The fact that she gave me up for adoption, not because she wanted me to have a better life, but because she was wrong about who my father was just confirmed she wanted nothing to do with me. Instead of getting my shit together as Trevor suggested when he came to California, I bought more junk food and binged out. I know it was not solving my problem, but food was the only thing I could control in my life. I could eat myself into a stupor and feel no pain. Unless, I ate too much and ended up on my bathroom floor, regurgitating it.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!!
A banging on the door snapped me out of my thoughts.
“Liliana! Are you ok?” My dad’s voice calls from the other side of the closed door.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I called, standing up.
“Are you sick?”
“No. I had pork at dinner. Bacon. I think it shocked my system.” I lied, hoping he believed it.
“I warned you about all that red meat. Especially pork.” He lectured.
“Believe me, I’m learning my lesson.” I replied, turning on the water to rinse out my mouth.
“Let me know if you need anything.”
“Ok.”
I took a deep breath. The nauseous feeling is gone and I reach for my toothbrush. I was becoming a convincing liar. I can’t help but notice I felt no guilt lying to him. Why should I? He lied to me my whole life. My lie was nothing compared to his.
A week later, I ended a phone call with EJ, happy for a change. The short phone call was a temporary relief from my life right now. EJ sounded so happy; not just to talk to me, but in general. I said thank you and goodbye to Brandon when EJ gave him back the phone, but he didn’t respond. He just hung up. Things haven’t been the same since Brandon found out I was using him to talk to EJ behind Ethan’s back. I apologize to Ethan via voicemail as he would not answer my calls. The pang of regret hits me again. Regret and disappointment seem to be my companions ever since I moved back to California. Leaving my brother, my friends, and Ethan; it was all for nothing. I started to feel like I made a huge mistake.
My dad was working from home today, so I eat in my room to avoid him. My adoptive dad was a professional baseball player. He got drafted and moved to California from the Dominican Republic when he was 18. When he retired, he took business classes and invested in local businesses to becoming an entrepreneur. He always said he was lucky he got a chance to play baseball professionally, but he was most proud of his hard work and accomplishments as a business owner. He stressed the importance of hard work, education, and obedience on me and Cam.
Him getting a divorce and adopting me caused quite a stir in our gated community. I was too young to understand everything, but it infuriated Cam. When I first moved in, he barely spoke to me. If he did, it was in anger. My dad made it worse by constantly lecturing him on how he needed to be a better big brother. Even as a child, I only wanted Cam to like me. When he would yell at me or take my toys, I never told on him. I only cried to myself. When my dad would ask me what was wrong, I didn’t tell him, not wanting to give Cam another reason to hate me. I would then get in trouble for not being a ‘big girl’. Cam eventually stopped antagonizing me and started protecting me: from neighborhood kids and from our dad. I knew he would be even more pissed off than me about my dad’s little secret. I wished I could reach out and talk to him, but it was still strained between us.
After my meal of a surf and turf burrito, chips and queso, extra guacamole, elote, churros, gummy bears and a couple of my dad’s beers, I laid in bed the trash from my food still on my desk. Exhaustion hit me unexpectedly and I dozed off. I woke up a couple hours later to heartburn. I stayed in bed, waiting for the indigestion to pass, when the heartburn was accompanied with churning in my stomach. I dry heaved and rushed to the bathroom. I made it to the toilet just in time before everything I ate came back up. I didn’t eat super healthy in Dallas at all. Definitely not as much eating out as I was on a budget, but my body’s constant rejection of my bad eating choices was getting ridiculous. I stood up and went through the familiar routine of brushing my teeth and washing my face before I stepped back out into my room. I stopped when I saw my dad at my desk. I sighed as I headed to my bed.
“I’ll clean it up.” I said, tiredly, lying down.
“You will, but we have bigger problems than a dirty desk. You are going to the doctor. Now.” My dad declared.
“For daring to disobey you?” I asked, rolling my eyes.
“No. For your eating disorder.” He replied.
I scoffed. “I don’t have a eating disorder.”
“How long have you been throwing up your food? Is this how you lost all that weight in college? I knew I shouldn’t sent you with your brother. I knew he couldn’t handle-”
I sat up and glared at him. “That wasn’t your choice to make! You didn’t send me anywhere. I worked my ass off, and got scholarships and grants. Everything that I didn’t earn, Cam took care of. Don’t you dare criticize Cam. He’s the only person who loves me enough to tell me the truth!” I yell.
“Your tone and language are not acceptable in my house-”
“Fuck this house.” I said, standing up.
“Liliana-”
“Fuck, fuck, FUCK this house. We both know the real reason why I’m here. Maybe if you weren’t fucking my mom I wouldn’t be.” I screamed at him.
The only reaction he had to that was a twitch of his lips and rubbing his temples.
“Cameron told you.” My dad said.
I was lost for words. Cam knew? I felt sick all over again. I pushed it down.
“You should have told me! I had the right to know! It’s my life!!!” I declared.
“Did it help you? Are you better for knowing?” He questioned.
Well of course fucking not. That wasn’t the point.
“I should have known!!!” I yelled.
“I disagree, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is getting you well.”
I stopped listen at this point. Of course it doesn’t matter. My needs and wants never matter to anyone it seemed. I laid back on the bed. When he kept ranting on, I looked up at the ceiling and yelled.
“I’M FUCKING DISGUSTED. I DON’T HAVE A GODDAMN EATING DISORDER. THIS FUCKING FAMILY MAKES ME SICK!!!”
My dad walked to the side of the bed to look me in the eye. I stared right back at him. “Liliana, this is my house. If you plan to continue to live here, you are going to follow my rules.”
I get up. “Fine.”
I stomped to my closet and grabbed a suitcase. “I’m not going to follow your fucking rules so I’m not going to fucking live here.”
He stood there for a moment and watched me pack my bag.
“Wherever you’re going, make sure you have a way. You’re not taking my car.” He said, leaving the room.
“Fan-fucking-tastic.” I screamed at him as he left. I pulled out my phone and called my Aunt Patricia.
She answered on the 2nd ring.
“Patricia, sorry I have been ignoring your calls.”
“It’s ok dear. I know it’s a lot to take in. I’m sorry that I had to be the one to tell you.” Patricia answered.
“You have nothing to apologize for, but I have a favor to ask you.”
“Anything…”
30 minutes later, I was putting my things into my Aunt’s car, and we headed to her house.
—————————–
***Present******
I spent the rest of Sunday night after my disastrous date with Ethan, crying my eyes out to Sammy. She consoled me, told me that Ethan was a jerk and that there were plenty of guys out there. She urged me to focus on the next guy instead of crying over a guy that ultimately ended up being nothing to me. I get everything that she said, but she does not understand how I truly feel. She can’t because she doesn’t know everything. Part of me felt like maybe I deserved it. I can’t help thinking about the past and how he told me he had feelings for me and was willing to try to make us work, even if I moved. I wondered what would have happened if I told him how I really felt about him. What if I explained why I needed to move back to California? What if I reached out to him and shared what I was going through? I should have told him about everything…
I quickly changed my train of thoughts. I don’t want to think about it. At the end of the day, I didn’t. I decided to move on. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t move on. I couldn’t stop thinking about and missing Ethan. That finally convinced me Ethan and I should be together.
It had occurred to me that I waited too long, but I refused to believe that time had pulled us apart, especially when I still wanted him the same way I did when I left. I knew I had to at least try and tell him how I felt. Now, it was too late. I never moved on, but he did. Sammy may have been saying all the right things about moving on, but I still had no idea how to do that.
—————————-
I spent the following week completely numb. I stayed on autopilot, hoping that if I pretended my heart wasn’t broken, eventually it wouldn’t be. You know, fake it to make it. I was doing a good job of it until Wednesday. Brandon and I were playing with EJ. I knew Ethan should be coming over to pick him up soon, so I made sure to get ready to go for a run. I was holding it together, but I knew I couldn’t fake it with Ethan yet. When I got back from my extra-long run, EJ was gone. Brandon gave me a knowing look.
“I know I said I’ll stay out of you and Ethan’s relationship, but he’s making a big mistake. I told him that too.” Brandon said.
I cringed. “He told you?”
“Yeah. I didn’t realize something was up until he asked about you. He made it seem like y’all cleared the air or something. Did he tell you he was dating-”
“Yeah, he did.” I cut him off. I don’t even want to think about her, much less hear her name.
“Are you ok?” Brandon asked.
“Yeah. I just need a little time. That’s all.” I answered simply. “Can you not tell Rocky? I don’t need any of her tough love right now.”
“No problem.” Brandon assured me.
————————————-
I was in much better spirits by the weekend. I stayed distracted with the premiere of the last season of our favorite show and Rocky and I decided to throw a little watching party. We invited Sammy, Peyton and Trevor. They all watched the show as well. Brandon wasn’t really a fan, but he was going to watch it with us too. We ordered a ton of food and booze and everyone came to Rocky’s house. Trevor showed up with the same girl I found him with when I went over to his apartment.
“Hey everyone. This is Becca. Becca, this is everyone.” Trevor introduced her.
She said “Hey” and did a little wave. She was cute and petite. Very typical. Evidently, he is attracted to every type of girl considering his conquests in college, but petite, blonde, white girls seemed to be his go to.
While he introduced her to everyone individually, Sammy came to my side in the kitchen.
“What corner did he find this one at?” She said, sharply.
I shook my head. “Good question. She was at his apartment Saturday morning.”
Trevor and Becca approached us. “This is Lily and Sammy.” Trevor said. We both faked smiled and welcomed her. Thankfully, the show was about to start, so we didn’t have to make small talk with her.
After the show, I started cleaning up. Sammy already left and she was honestly the only thing keeping my annoyance in check. Why come to a watching party when you don’t watch the show? Becca asked stupid question after stupid question: which Trevor and Peyton encouraged by pausing the show to explain. I never had a problem with Peyton before, but she was losing major cool points with me for bringing Becca around. Sammy kept me from kicking all three of them out by muttering something sarcastic, or just flat out mean, making me chuckle or agree. After the 3rd time of Sammy and I sharing a laugh at another one of her stupid questions, Trevor sent me a dirty look. I ignored him- He was in the negative with cool points with me. As I cleaned, Rocky gave Becca a tour of the house with Peyton and Chris. Brandon put up the food while Trevor brought me dirty dishes.
“What’s up with you?” Trevor asked, joining me at the sink with more dishes.
“What do you mean?” I asked, loading the dishwasher.
“You and Sammy and the mean girl routine.” Trevor elaborated.
“I wasn’t mean. Just irritated. Stopping the show every 30 seconds is annoying. I’m sure I missed stuff. I’m gonna have to go back and watch it over.” I complained.
“So? You know you were going to watch it over again anyway.” Trevor pointed out.
Brandon chuckled and I glared at him. Sometimes I hate that Trevor knows me so damn well. “Not the point.”
“Then what’s the point?” Trevor asked.
“It’s a watch party, not fucking date night!” I exploded.
“Is that really why you’re mad? It’s not my fault you didn’t invite Ethan. Or did he not want to come?” Trevor argued.
At the mention of Ethan’s name, I turned away from Trevor, not wanting him to see my distress. In my panic, I accidentally knocked a margarita glass on the floor. It shattered on impact.
“FUCK!” I exclaimed. I immediately bent down and picked up the larger pieces. A few tears of frustration fall from my eyes.
Trevor bent down with a dish towel to help me. I hid my face from him, but it was too late. “Why are you crying? Did you cut yourself?” Trevor asked, concerned.
“No. I’m fine. It’s nothing.” I said.
Brandon came over with the trash bag. When I threw the glass away, he grabbed my hands and examined them. When he didn’t see a cut, he gave me a soft, sympathetic look.
“Everything alright?” Becca asked. Great, just great. Now she can witness my meltdown too.
“Yeah. Just an accident. Rocky, can you get this for me? Lily is hurt.” Trevor asked.
“What happened?” Rocky asked, looking at my hands in Brandon’s. I pulled my hands away.
“I got it!” Brandon volunteered, heading to get the broom and dustpan.
“Sorry.” I mumbled to Rocky before rushing to the bathroom. I barely got the water on when Trevor came in the bathroom with me.
“What the fuck Trevor? Can I get some privacy?” I raged at him.
“I thought you needed help. Are you cut?” He explained.
“No. I’m fine.” I repeated, washing my hands, then wiping my eyes.
“Why are you crying?” He asked, softly.
“I don’t know.” I lied.
“Yes you do.”
“I guess… it’s just… sad.” I shrugged.
“What’s sad?”
“It’s the first episode of the last season. It’s the end of an era.” I lied, lamely.
“Lilypad-” Trevor started. I knew he knew I was lying.
“Trevor, I’m fine.” I said firmly. “Apologize to Becca for me ok? Say I was PMSing or something.” I finished, leaving the bathroom and heading straight for my room. So much for a party to get my mind off Ethan. I collapsed in bed, exhausted.
———————————————–
Monday morning, I was back to my routine of pretending like everything’s ok. I had lunch with Jordan at work. She asked me if I was okay. She noticed I was off last week. That surprised me. I knew I wasn’t as cheerful and friendly with my patients, but I was professional. I wondered how she noticed. I told her things didn’t work out with the guy I was hanging out with. She said she was sorry to hear that and gave me uplifting words. I changed the subject by asking about her weekend.
Tuesday, my off day, I woke up early and went for a run. My music and running gave me relief from my bad feelings. Afterwards, I went home and showered. I changed into a tank top and pajama pants. I was surprised to see Rocky was still home when I went to the kitchen to find something to eat. Normally, she would have left by now.
“What are you doing home?” I asked her.
“I called in. We are going to eat junk food and watch crappy TV and you are going to tell me what happened between you and Ethan.” Rocky ordered.
“I’m guessing you already know.” Fucking Brandon.
“Yes. And I’m overlooking the fact that not only did I have to learn about it from Brandon, but that you wanted him to keep it from me. Why didn’t you want me to know?” Rocky asked.
“Because, it’s stupid. I shouldn’t be this upset. We weren’t even together.” I said, looking down.
Rocky shook her head. “Just because you weren’t together, doesn’t mean your feelings for him aren’t real. Just like his for you are real.”
Tears formed in my eyes. “He doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. I blew it.” I cried.
She pulled me over to the couch and sat me down. “I don’t believe that.”
“No. It’s over. He’s dating someone else.” I sobbed.
“Maybe the timing is just not right…” She offered.
“It’s been more than 2 years. If it was going to happen, it would have.”
Rocky heated up leftovers from the party and as we ate I told her everything. From me and Ethan’s kiss on Memorial Day to our brunch last weekend.
“Before we get into Ethan, are you and Cam ok?” Rocky asked.
“Getting there.” I shrugged.
“I can’t believe he kept that from you. That’s so unfair.” Rocky shook her head.
“It wasn’t his secret to tell.”
Rocky looked skeptical, but didn’t say anything.
“Lily, I don’t think you really told Ethan how you felt.” Rocky started after a moment of silence.
“What do you mean? I asked him out.”
“I know, but in his mind, you rejected him when he wanted to be in a relationship with you. He probably thought you wanted the same type of casual relationship as before.”
“He said he already invested time with her.”
“They’re not serious or he would have introduced her as his girlfriend. He just mentioned her to Brandon when Brandon asked you two. I think before it does get serious, you need to tell him how you really felt back then and how you feel about him now.”
I thought about it. “I don’t know. Part of me just wants to be over it and move on.”
“I think you owe it to yourself to put it all out there, like he did for you.” Rocky started. “If you really want to be over it, let’s wallow. Let yourself be sad. That’s the way you’ll get over it: A little at a time. Not by pretending like it didn’t mean anything or that you’re not hurt.”
I nodded and settled in to wallow.
Brandon made it home around 3pm. He found us on the couch.
“I tried to keep it from her. She forced it out of me. You know how she is.” He said, throwing his hands in the air.
I smiled. “Yeah, I do. I shoulda known you were no match.”
Rocky rolled her eyes. “Please. I just threatened no sex. He was singing like a bird.”
“Then she was singing like a bird when she gave it up” Brandon said, suggestively.
“Gross. I do not need to hear about y’alls sex life.” I laughed.
“Alright. Mister. Move it on out. It’s grieving time. We need to cry it out then start talking shit about your brother.” Rocky announced.
Brandon chuckled. “Ok. I’m just going to change my clothes. I’m meeting Jake at the mall.”
“Why?” Rocky asked, narrowing her eyes at Brandon.
“‘Cause you just told me to get out. ‘Cause I need to get EJ a birthday gift. ‘Cause I’m grown and I want to. Take your pick.” Brandon replied, walking to their bedroom.
Rocky looked ready to follow and throttle him.
“Pick your battles…” I reminded her. She still looked murderous. “Take a deep breath. They help my brother.”
She does and by the time Brandon comes out, she’s ok.
“Can we go too?” I asked Brandon. They both looked at me, surprised.
“What happened to the man haters club?” He asked.
I smiled. “Adjourned for the day. Besides, I think I’m going skip all the Ethan bashing and head straight to retail therapy.” I explained.
“Sure. I’ll call Jake and tell him we’re going to be a little late so you can go get changed.” Brandon answered, looking over my South Park pajama pants and white tank.
“Nope. I’m good. Let’s go.”
Rocky gave me a once over, but didn’t say anything.
When we arrived at the mall, Jake is already there waiting for us. He parked by the Macy’s entrance. As we walked through Macy’s, we split up so me and Rocky can check out the women’s clothing. Rocky picked out some clothes for me and I tried them on. I found some cute dresses, shorts and blouses. They cost more than I would normally pay, but they look good and Rocky says they’re a good deal, so I bought them. Instead of heading inside the mall, I called Brandon to walk me back to his car so I can put my bags away. He agreed.
“I don’t know why you’re pushing Rocky’s buttons, but cut it out.” I said, simply, as we walked to his car.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He shrugged off.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about. I don’t care why you’re doing it. I just need to know if you plan to stop. She really is working on her attitude, but I’m going to tell her to let you have it if you continued to bait her.” I said, putting my bags in the car.
I turned to look him straight in the eyes. Normally, I hated confrontations. But fuck with my family, and I’m a freaking lioness. And Rocky was my family, no matter what.
“Alright. You’re right.” Brandon sighed. “I really don’t know why I do it.”
“Maybe it’s just genetic- fucking over girls who love you.” I replied, bitterly, as we head back to the mall.
He blanched. “Damn, I thought you were skipping the Ethan bashing.”
“I was. That was Carter bashing. Except for EJ.” I said, with a teasing smile so he knows that I was joking. Kinda. Not really.
At the mall, we started at a game store and Kids footlocker to buy EJ’s gift. Rocky got him Vans and Nike shoes and a couple outfits to match. Brandon bought him new games for his Wii. Brandon normally buys him gift cards, but he wanted to get EJ the best gift. He thought he accomplished that, buying two expensive games.
Brandon was slobbering all over Rocky on the outside of the hat store that Jake wanted to go into, so I follow Jake. I was glad Brandon took my advice, but geez, that didn’t mean I wanted to see them exploring each other’s tonsils.
When I explained this to Jake, he grimaced. “I don’t need that mental image. ”
“Neither do I, but there it is.” I said, pointing to them outside the store.
“Why do couples think love makes that shit acceptable?” He complained.
I shrugged. “I wouldn’t know.”
He watched me closely, and I turned away. “So what are you looking for?”
“A Rangers cap.” He said, looking at the youth hat section.
“You know EJ’s not a huge baseball fan… or hat fan for that matter.” I informed him.
“I know. I wasn’t either until my first baseball game. I plan on using the hat to put the tickets to a game and Hurricane Harbor in it.” Jake explained.
That was a great present, even if EJ didn’t like watching baseball, I knew he’ll love going to a water park.
“Wow, I didn’t take you for a ‘kid’ person.” I said, reaching for a Texas Ranger hat. It was white with a red T on it.
He shook his head. “I’m not. I have a huge family- too many kids, but I like EJ. He’s a great kid.”
I smiled at that. He took the hat from me and put it back.
“What about you? Kids or Baseball fan?” He questioned me.
“Yes and yes. My dad was a professional baseball player- going to the games were much more fun than watching it on TV. I’m surprised you thought of that.”
“Why?” He said, raising an eyebrow at me.
“I don’t know. Sammy’s type is typically more…. delinquent.” I disclosed, picking out a blue cap with Rangers across it.
He smiled, revealing his dimple. “I work in security. I keep the peace. That’s the complete opposite of delinquency.”
“Whatever. You observe and report. Like the movie.” I said, playfully.
He snorted. “Whatever back at ya. I’m commissioned, meaning I carry a gun.” he said.
“So?”
“So let me put that in a way you can understand…” He said, looking me over slowly, staring at my legs. My face heated up under his blatant stare. “Respect my authority.” he finished, mocking my South Park pants.
Any other time, an appropriate quote from South Park would have had me cracking up with laughter. It was really funny when I thought about it, but I was so embarrassed he got me so discombobulated by his seductive gaze.
I looked him over slowly too, trying to play it cool. I let my eyes rest on his crotch before looking up at him. He gave me a challenging smile.
“I don’t see a gun.” I said, cockily.
“You wouldn’t. It’s concealed. We can go outside and I can show it to you.” He offered.
Before I could answer, Rocky and Brandon entered the store.
“Hey! What’s the hold up? Found a gift yet?” Brandon asked.
“Yep.” Jake answered, taking the blue hat from my hands.
Brandon laughed. “I got this. A hat. He doesn’t even wear hats.”
“He will at the Rangers game I’m taking him to.” Jake added.
“Man!” Brandon exclaimed. “Let’s trade gifts.”
“Lily, you didn’t get EJ anything.” Rocky pointed out.
“Yeah I did. I got him a snow cone maker a few days ago. Just have to buy him some syrups at the store.” I answered.
“Fuck both of y’all.” Brandon said, shaking his head in defeat. We all laughed at him.