“No. But I eventually told him once we became lovers. He was shocked. But he wasn’t upset. He said he wished he had woken up.”
“Why does that make me so hot?”
Jennifer searched my eyes. I loved watching her gorgeous exotic eyes peering into mine. “Because I think all girls dream of their daddy at some point. Maybe fleeting. Maybe more than that. But it occurs to them. I know it does.”
“Me, too, actually.”
“That is my experience. I researched it a lot. I always loved my father, but now I wanted him in another way. It scared me and repulsed me. I was repulsed by myself. I felt disgusting. Shameful. Father knew I wasn’t doing okay, but not the reason why. He was so caring. Hugging me. Holding me. It just made it worse.”
“What happened next?”
“I should describe my father to you. He was my height. Very Japanese looking, ha! But he was fit. He did a lot of martial arts. Such strong arms and hands. He was beautiful to me. He was into very healthy lifestyles, and we always ate well. I was certain I would never have another opportunity like I had with him that evening. He rarely drank and usually only on the anniversary. I realised if I wanted that again I would have to make it happen.”
“What did you do?”
“I started dressing more provocatively. Exposing my skin to him in little ways. I looked at pictures of mom and started to dress like her. Dad noticed right away. He looked more at me and longer at me. I found ways to see him watching me without him knowing. Mirrors, toasters, anything that would let me see him watching me.
“One night I heard a noise and I crept over to his bedroom. His door never shut properly and sometimes opened by itself. I could see in and there he was. He was lying on his bed, naked, holding the same picture of mom and me, and he was playing with himself. I stood there and watched him the whole time. He stroked himself, and I played with myself. I was so wet watching my father pleasure himself. I wanted to run in. Admit my lust for him and ravish him. But I couldn’t. I could only watch. Then he came and my life changed.”
“How?”
“I had expected words from him to be my mother’s name. Instead, he moaned MY name.”
“Oh my God!” I thought that was beautiful. “That’s beautiful!”
She nodded at me. “That night drinking he had drunk that much sake because he had wanted me. He drank to stop himself from acting out. The anniversary of my mother’s death made him miss her and I was her spitting image. I had no idea he felt that way. All the time I was parading around looking like her, I was driving him crazy with lust. And he hated himself for it. I was being a terrible daughter.”
My eyes were wide open, and I hung on her every word.
“This is why I know what Desmond sees in you. I can see the exact same looks he gives you that my father gave me. It is lust, regret, love, and sorrow, all wrapped into one bitter, jagged pill. It consumed my father. Tore him down. For years he suffered. Desmond will be the same way, Jessica. Trust me on this.”