“Me too,” Betty said. “He always had a nice word for everyone. That’s why I said yes when he finally asked me out, even though I didn’t feel anything at first. Thank God I took that chance!”
“Speaking of God,” Audra said, “Have you got your outfit for tomorrow picked out?”
“For church, you mean?” Betty asked. The next day, she would be attending mass with Rob’s parents for the first time. Never a regular churchgoer herself, she was not particularly looking forward to it, and had been doing her best not to give it any more thought than she really had to. “He didn’t say anything about dressing up for it.”
“He didn’t say anything!” Audra scoffed. “Betty, don’t you know anything about men? They don’t communicate! Not about icky stuff like women’s clothing, anyway!” After a dramatic sigh, she grabbed Betty’s wrist. “Look, you may not like what I think about Rob, but I know what I’m talking about with his family, and with men in general. You’re lucky, though, my mom’s off on a retreat for the weekend, and you’re about her size. Let’s go over to her place after lunch and I’ll find you something from her closet that’ll pass muster with Rob’s mother.”
“Audra, that’s not necessary!” Betty said.
“Oh yes it is, if you want to make nice with Rob’s mom. Men’s mothers never forgive the girl who stole their little boy away, or at least my grandmama never did with my mom. You don’t want to make it even worse by showing up in jeans or a plain dress when they’re all dolled up for the Lord.” As they were approaching the restrooms, Audra handed her shopping bag to Janice. “Here, hold this. Sorry, but I just have to go wash this gunk off my face. A lot of concealer, my ass!”
“Tell me again, Jan,” Betty said as soon as they were alone, “Why did we agree to move in with her?”
“Cheaper rent,” Janice said. “And I don’t recall her being quite this bad before she started teaching.”
“God, why did she want to become a teacher in the first place?” Betty wondered out loud. “She doesn’t even like kids.” Neither woman could recall the last time their roommate hadn’t come home in a foul mood about the brats at school.
“Oh, that’s easy,” Janice said. “She never wanted high school to end in the first place!”
“That makes sense,” Betty admitted. “Would you, if you were her?”
“I can’t imagine what I’d think about anything if I were her,” Janice said. “Especially when it comes to high school.” In nearly six years since they were freshman roommates, scarcely a week had gone by without Audra waxing nostalgic about her cheerleading days, the pep rallies, football games, beer blasts, pranks played on the nerds and teachers, and a seemingly endless string of boyfriends. For shy Betty and studious Janice, those four years had been the exact opposite of their roommate’s glory days. Betty, just for starters, wouldn’t have moved back to her hometown after college for anything.
“Same here,” Betty agreed. “Oh, while she’s gone, listen, Rob asked me to invite you to join us for brunch after church tomorrow, at Marty’s Place.”
“Oh, I love Marty’s!” Janice said. “Sure! But why does Rob want me along?”
“He said it was his brother’s idea,” Betty said. “Nick? I didn’t even know you knew him.”
“I barely do,” Janice said. “That time we all went to that picnic at Wagner Park? Audra was whining about the kids at school and Nick and I went off to the other side of the soccer field just to get away from her, and we ended up having a really nice conversation. Real nice guy.”
“I remember that day, but I didn’t know you ended up stuck with Nick,” Betty said. “Sorry about that.”
“Sorry?” Janice said. “He’s a sweetheart! I mean, like I said, I barely know him, but it was a really nice conversation. Almost like he was one of the girls, you know?”
“Oh, okay,” Betty said. “I’m glad. But I’m surprised. Rob doesn’t talk about him much. I get the impression they really don’t like each other too much.”
“No, they’re just really different,” Janice said. “You wouldn’t think they were brothers, really. But Nick’s great.”
“But you barely know him.” Betty gave her friend a skeptical grin.
“Barely know who?” asked Audra, appearing out of nowhere with a clean face and water spattered on her top.
“Oh, no one you know,” Betty said. There was no need to let Janice know only she was invited to brunch. “Now, about the church clothes…”
“I insist,” Audra said. “Believe me, you’ll thank me!”
An hour and a half later, Betty was more doubtful than ever about that as Audra ushered her into her mother’s palatial bedroom, which looked like it hadn’t been remodeled since the eighties. “Wait’ll you see her closet,” Audra said, and triumphantly she threw open the door beside the dresser to reveal a walk-in closet three times the size of Betty’s cubicle at work. “You can see why she won’t mind me loaning you an outfit,” she declared. “Some of this stuff, she probably hasn’t worn since she was our age.”
“And that’s just the look I want for my fiance’s family,” Betty said.
Janice laughed. Audra gave her a dry look and said, “Why don’t you go wait on the bed?”
“Yes ma’am.” Janice retreated to the bed, grateful that she was too big to have any chance of fitting into anything in the closet should Audra ever decide to “help” her.
Audra pulled out a garish orange silk dress. “Start with this,” she ordered.
“Gross,” Betty replied.
“Just try it!” Audra thrust the dress at Betty, who instinctively grabbed at it to avoid letting it fall. At least the silk felt nice. Betty hung it on the doorknob and reluctantly took her top off, hoping Audra would at least have the decency to turn her back.
She didn’t. Betty reasoned that the sooner she humored her, the sooner it would be over.
There were, at least, no rude comments about her breasts when she took her top off. But Betty knew just what to expect when she pushed her jeans down over her hips, and sure enough, Audra’s disgusted gasp rang out loud and clear. “Oh my God, Betty, no wonder you won’t go to bed with Rob yet!” Not satisfied that either of her friends might have missed her point, she pointed at Betty’s panties and the wisps of hair that were visible on both sides. “We have got to get you waxed!”
“Not on your life, Audra.” Betty turned sideways so her bushy secret was no longer on display to her friends, but the damage was done.
“It only hurts for a second and you’ll be so much sexier!” Audra said. “Seriously, let me call the lady Mom and I use. She’s a miracle-worker, and frankly, that’s what you need. Just how hairy are you?”
“You get waxed with your mother?” Janice asked from the bed. “That’s…really weird.”
“I agree,” Betty said as she pulled the orange dress on; she was privately delighted to see it looked so awful even Audra couldn’t possibly approve. “And I like being natural.”
“Rob won’t,” Audra said. “This isn’t 1975, Betty.”
“And yet you want me to dress like it is,” Betty retorted. Janice exploded in laughter, Audra gave her a dirty look, and Betty was able to tamp down the inclination to lose her temper for the moment. But a fleeting image of her detested high school locker room flashed before her eyes just the same, bringing with it some of the worst memories of her life.