It felt a little strange to be surrounded by students, knowing I wasn’t one, knowing I had a certain power over the rest of them, and I was soon stuffing my lanyard into a jacket pocket, hoping to blend in. At every step forward, I sensed eyes on me, thought I saw glances and heard whispers, yet I never entirely saw any of it. Fires spread and waters rose and everybody, eventually, would know me; how much longer could I stand in a queue like this and act like I wasn’t a strange anomaly among the rest?
Standing there, trying not to be too obvious about flexing my aching hand, wondering if I’d need to get myself a glove, I saw a distant wave from over the sea of students at their tables. Squinting, I saw it was Kam, at a staff table on the canteen’s opposite side and I waved back weakly. Between us, walking between tables, I then saw Emma — she held a plastic tray of food and walked quickly, hurrying to a table with several other Chinese students, and sat tentatively, suddenly slow and careful, and I thought I saw her wince. This went unnoticed by all except me and I dared a smile.
Once I had collected my food — chilli con carne, if you’re interested — I made a beeline for Kam and the others. All the while, I was sure I felt eyes on me, or heard whispers of “yeah, that’s her,” or “that girl there, she’s the one,” but maybe I was imagining all of it. This was just like being back in school again — but instead of rumours that I’d snogged Clayton Phelps outside the music hall, it was that if you messed up, you’d end up over my lap. Well, I didn’t mind that too much — it was my job, after all — but I did mind being stared at. My face felt hot.
I sat quickly, Kam budging along the bench to make room, the little troop of staff wedged into a corner of the canteen, Beth and Mandy and some guy with dark skin and a shaved head whom I didn’t recognise sat with us. Trees branches scraped against the window next to us.
“Was wondering when you’d show up,” said Kam, ” you know you can bypass the queue, right? You’re staff.”
“I didn’t know that,” I replied quietly. ” I’d probably feel a bit too awkward.”
“I bet,” replied Kam. “Archie, this is Kelly — the one I’ve been telling you about.”
“How do you do,” said Archie, the boy with the shaved head, reaching over and shaking my limp hand. ” So you’re the disciplinarian, ey?”
“Well…” I sighed. “Don’t say it too loudly, I guess.” He shrugged.
“Disenchanted already?”
“You’re only halfway through your first day,” sniggered Kam. “Lots more butts to get through yet.” I felt my face get redder at the statement, as the group laughed along with them.
“Who’ve you got next?” asked Beth.
“Some called Lily… something.”
“Razowski?” asked Kam.
“That does sound familiar.”
“Yeah, she’s known to us,” said Mandy, nodding. ” Dunno why they think sense is ever gonna get beaten into her. She’s on like her thirtieth red notice and she still acts the same. You’d think that’s proof it doesn’t work but, no, gotta keep going. The Alexandrina Group demands it.”
“Your benevolent overlords,” said Kam, shifting in their seat, inching closer to me.
“It must still be pretty strange to you,” said Archie.
“Very,” I replied honestly.
“You’ll get used to it — I mean, look at Kam.” He gestured at them, and they feigned an innocent look. “Showed up all wide-eyed and innocent. Now they’re a fiend.”
“I wouldn’t say fiend,” Kam laughed, turning to me. “Would you say fiend?”
“Well…” Memories splashed over my mind of them over my lap, of them flashing me, of what might yet happen in the future. “…define fiend.” Kam laughed.
“So how did the first two go?” they asked, resting their elbows on the table, as I finally tried the chilli. It was awful and my stomach churned with nerves — but I kept eating. Anything to keep myself occupied. ” I don’t know them but I saw they were on the database.”
“It went fine,” I replied blandly.
“What did you do?” asked Beth.
“Oh, you know…”
“She probably doesn’t wanna talk about it too much,” said Archie, ” I can’t imagine it’s an easy topic.”
“No, it’s fine,” I said, not wanting to appear a complete wet blanket. Authority had to be shown to the students — maybe it had to be shown, in some as-of-yet unclear dose, to the colleagues, too. ” I just, you know, had them go over my lap and they were both pretty cooperative. No fighting so far — does Lily fight?”
“I don’t know but I don’t think so,” said Kam. “If that answers your question.”
“Well, hopefully not,” I said.
“Did you do it bare?” they then asked, their eyes brimming with expectations.
“No,” I said, quickly, and a certain imperceptible light faded from Kam’s eyes. ” I mean… Nadine told me I could do it however I wanted to do it, so, no, I didn’t. I guess I went easy-ish on them.”
“What’s easy-ish?” asked Mandy. I realised, now, that all four were leaning in, hanging on my words, and I couldn’t remember another time this had ever happened to me. Not at university, not at college, not at school — never had this many people paid me so much attention. It felt good.
“Well…” A smile rippled across my face. “The first girl, Hannah, I let her keep her underwear on. She asked me if she could so I guess I showed her a bit of mercy.”
“Nice,” said Kam, grinning.
“And then Emma, well, she was so precious.”
“Precious?” laughed Mandy. ” I gave her that red notice! Keeps making up reasons for extensions — sick to the back teeth of it. Felt so good sending that email telling her.”
“Well, I went easy on her, too,” I said, ” she thought I was gonna, you know, take off her underwear and all that, but I didn’t. I just did it over her dress.”
“Ah,” said Mandy, leaning back. I’d read that, in court, when a jury does that it means they’ve finished figuring you out. “That’s disappointing.”
“Is it?” I asked.
“Yeah, I was hoping she’d be naked with her face pressed against a window, to be honest,” she replied, and they all laughed, Archie least of all, and I hoped I wasn’t losing them. I had been rather enjoying the attention.
“She was just sweet and I can’t, you know, go completely mad.”
“Why not?” asked Kam, shrugging. “You’ve got the power to — I can show you the contracts the students sign if you want.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think I have it in me to do… that.”
“Well,” said Mandy, “it’s all up to you, yeah, but I wouldn’t go telling Ellsworth about that.”
“How come?” Nobody answered — I looked from one face to the next and they all avoided my eyeline until Kam spoke up.
“Well,” they said, “Ellsworth’s got a pretty intense attitude towards this.”
“She said I could do what I wanted,” I said nervously.
“Yeah, but just cause she says something doesn’t mean she means it, you know? She’s what you and I might call a liar.” Kam grinned. “She believes in the policy more than anyone. More than anyone at Alexandrina, even — I heard they were trying to tone it down, bring in guidelines saying students had to stay fully clothed, and she fought them off.”