“It’s ok. The other stresses in life are real too. Those stresses are part of you too.”
“Oh yes, back to Debbie. There’s just too much going on in life. I’ve been decompressing for weeks now and it was only a week ago that I contacted her. I told her that I wasn’t gonna read or hear anything from her until I was ready. That’s when I told her our marriage was toxic.” He closed his eyes briefly and then he continued. “You have no idea how great these weeks have been.”
“Why did you leave?”
“First off, I needed to protect myself from her ‘COVID FRIENDLY’ activities. I’m at high risk for complications. Our neighbor was really damaged after getting it from her clueless grandkids. The second was that I was fed up with our marriage. I’m accommodating. I don’t push, demand, control … all I want respect and working together. It wasn’t fucking working anymore. She went out and in effect telling me ‘FUCK YOU’ to be with her friend and put me at serious risk. That level of disrespect wasn’t that of a partner. I’ve had it. That’s when I bolted.”
“What are your goals?”
“That I’m having a hard time with. I’m still vomiting out a lot of anger and meanness. And I sent her a time for an appointment with her, me and a marriage therapist.
…..
Tuesday Nov 17, 2020 6 PM 1st marriage session Brian, Debbie and Therapist Judy
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“OK. We’ve now set out the ground rules, got the initial goals for our sessions and we’re all comfortable with ZOOM 6 PM Tuesday, 50 minute sessions. Are there any questions?” Both Brian and Deb nodded no.
“We still have 20 minutes to go for this session, who wants to start?”
There was silence for over a minute, so I realized that I needed to prime the pump. “When we started today, you both mentioned that you had spoken with each other recently, but that the call ended abruptly. Brian, can you talk about it?”
“I think that I know what this is all about. I told her that she doesn’t listen to me, she told me I was wrong, I called her on it and I ended the call.”
“Deb? What do you think happened?”
Deb was looking a bit flustered. She began slowly to say something, but stopped. The third time, she was successful. “I want to start out saying that this is something that I’m starting to work on in my personal sessions. I just started on it and it’s hard for me to do this.” She looked at the floor then back at her computer screen. “I was asking Brian to come home and he said that he wouldn’t until we had worked things out. He said that one of our problems is that I didn’t listen to him. I said I did, he said that I didn’t and he hung up.”
“Sorry to break in Judy but Deb, you didn’t respond to me. You just shut me down telling me that I’m wrong. Not your exact words, but saying that you do listen to me and not respond to me is telling me that I’m wrong. I’m not anywhere in that answer but to be wrong.”
Deb was visibly becoming more and more agitated. “Deb, what is going on inside of you when Brian said that you were not really addressing his concerns?” Deb pulled back into herself immediately.
“When we are in these sessions, it’s sometimes very hard to hear things. I can understand that this may be painful”
“Painful? I feel that I’ve in the crosshairs of a sniper scope like a deer and I’m going be taken out.”
“How about we look at this a bit differently. Think of this as a clue to the treasure. What do you think?”
Deb’s face immediately became angry. “OK. HE WAS RIGHT. SATISFIED NOW?” She immediately closed her eyes and hid her face.
“Deb? Why can’t your husband be right?”
“Yea Deb, why can’t I be right? You have to be right all the time, so why can’t you ever be wrong? Is there a law about that? Husbands don’t get equal rights?”
“Brian, if you could hold on that that for a minute. Deb?” Deb looked blankly at the screen, but my voice caused her open her eyes and pay attention to me. “It really bothers you. Why is that?” I waited.
It took a minute for her to respond. Very quietly, barely above a whisper, and not looking at the screen she said “I have to be right. I can’t be wrong, I can’t be weak.”
“Thank you Deb. I’ve waited to hear that from your fuckin’ mouth for decades.”
…
Tuesday Dec 14, 2020 Marriage session Brian, Debbie and Therapist Judy
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“So it sounds like you both have been talking with each other a bit more between our sessions together.” I saw two heads nodding yes and that was a good sign. We’ve been meeting for the past several weeks and it has not been smooth sailing. In therapy with married couples, the therapy depends upon so much. These two have been making progress.
“Last week, we were talking about how each of you coped with the other. Brian, you were talking about the decisions you made over the years to ‘calm’ Debbie down when we ran out of time. Can you talk a bit more about that now?”
Brian closed his eyes and his face became hardened. This was going to be difficult for him to say and for Deb to hear. He rubbed his chin and waited to say something ‘correctly’ when Deb started to break in to say something. “Sorry Deb. This has to be done by Brian, Brian alone.” She looked a bit annoyed, but stayed quiet.
“I think that what just happened is a good place to start. Deb’s ahead of everybody, and if she’s not, then she gets ticked.” I saw Deb scowl while Brian exhaled. “You have no idea how difficult it is to live with somebody like that. I had a choice. Either be ahead of her, and then she’d still get pissed half the time … oh I’m sorry. She doesn’t get pissed, she gets ‘ANNOYED’.” His hands made quotation marks in the air when he said it. “Or I just let her run things.” He closed his eyes and exhaled. Deb was on the edge of her seat. If this was third grade, she’d be the one waving her had in the air wanting to answer the question for the teacher.
“Point is, it’s draining. It is so fuckin’ draining. I’m not part of the marriage. I’m the flunky hired hand.” He remained silent while Deb wiped tears from her eyes.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with her, but it’s really damaged our marriage. I’m not a marriage partner and haven’t been for years. We got the kids launched, a big goal for both of us. They were more important than me. I chose that. I hoped that things would get better with Deb after the kids left. Things did get a little better for a while. But it never was better enough.
“I don’t understand why she’s so angry all the time.” He was quiet for a minute. “I do understand that I’m emotionally hurt most of the time. I became a master in shrugging things off. I guess that we’re a matched couple. She dishes out shit and I take it. If we ever add some sex to our near non-existent sex life and we’d be a perfect BDSM couple.”
Deb was now crying outright while Brian was choking back sobs.
….
Friday Dec 24, 2021 Call with Brian and Debbie
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“So you’ll be with our daughter Shelia, her husband and our grandkids for lunch tomorrow. Our son Ron and his family will stop on by for desert after 5 so I’ll video call in after 6.”