“It’s not for you two,” my dad said to Paul and I. “It’s for my grandchildren.”
I love my dad and mom. Seeing them together again was a load off my mind. They needed each other. I tried to get in touch with my brother, but he distanced himself from all of us. We had tried to be understanding after his coming out, but I guess he wanted his own life on his own terms… without us. It hurt all three of us that we didn’t see him again until he graduated and joined the Navy as an officer.
Bill and I kept missing each other over the years. But eventually, we would meet and talk. And his conversation would be very influential in my future decisions.
***
Early Marriage years
And thus, our life began where our family would live for decades to come. We moved into a three-bedroom house with hardly any furniture at first. But as time passed and Paul got promoted, we did a bit better. Furniture, better cars, and an occasional vacation.
Once again, Paul shed the sexual timidity he had exhibited during both my pregnancies. Once again, our sex life was satisfying, although not as frequent as it had been. So I never felt the need to step out on Paul. I tried my best to have the children fed and in bed early so my husband and I could have time to ourselves. And during the first two years, we did.
But somewhere along the way, Paul became less interested. I tried to get him to talk about what was wrong, but my husband was evasive. “It’s just work.” “I have things on my mind.” “I can’t talk about the articles and my sources.”
Quite often, the first time I would find out what he had been working on was when his articles hit print. And often, the topics were what one would call “hard life.” Stories of crimes, abandoned children, domestic violence, drug abuse, and other social woes pieces could easily make Paul surly.
Wanting Paul to relax with us away from the work stress, I took care of the kids, our home, and bills. In doing so, I thought we would work as a team sharing our life together. But as time passed, I was more relegated to supporting Paul and not in the know of his work life. While I still asked, he deflected any discussion of his work with me.
For a time, I wondered if Paul was having an affair. If he was, he was very good at covering up and not leaving a trail for me to follow. Other than the slackening of our sex frequency and his unwillingness to talk about work, that is.
Paul seemed more comfortable talking to our next-door neighbor Gil as time passed. Gil Tucker was older than us by some years, but his wife Lynn was a few years younger, closer to Paul and me in age. So our relationship morphed into the guys’ group and the girls’ group.
Gil was as tall as Paul, lanky with sandy-colored hair. He was attractive physically, but something about him told me that if push came to shove, he would fuck me but look down at me for giving him the opportunity. By this point in life, I had gained enough experience to spot guys like him. There were probably many in college, but I never gave them much thought.
But after becoming involved with Paul, I noticed the type. Guys that would ogle me, wishing they had a crack at my tight body and full tits even though they knew I had a man. They would often stare at me in full view of Paul in the room without thinking my husband may see and know. Guys like Gil were typical, whether at neighborhood parties, events at Paul’s job, or even when visiting our homes. They were good for boosting a girl’s ego but rarely more than that; especially Gil, as Paul had developed a close friendship with him.
It’s silly to think about now, but there is a reality to male-female relationships that most men and, sadly, some women do not fathom. Men believe they seduce women with their charm, physique, personality, and possessions. Yet it is us women who attract and seduce men with our looks and ways. And it is we women who decide if these men will enter our life and in what form.
I can cut a man off with just a glance early on upon meeting him if I so chose. And so do most women. Yet if a man appeals to me and has possibilities, I give him a simple smile denoting a “possibility” for him to consider. How he handles himself is the test. Men “think” that they are seducing me, but in reality, I merely let them try to convince me they are worthy. And that goes for any woman, not just me.
And just as a woman can let a man who has earned it into her life, so does she cut him off or relegate him to back-up status if he stops being that special man to her. And yet other men have attributes of one kind or another that we women want in our lives. Traits like wit, wisdom, humor, loyalty, friendship, or sexuality can qualify. And a man can be part of our life even if we have a husband or someone we love.
***
Jacksonville, 1990
Gil was handsome and looked younger than twenty-eight when we first met him in 1985, the year we moved next door to him and Lynn. The four of us had hit it off, and pretty soon, they were our best friends. But I always saw Gil as Paul’s friend and Lynn’s husband. Nothing more. In a different life, our neighbor may have been a one-night stand or an occasional lover. But something about him told me never to cross that line, and thus I never did. Nor did I ever trust him fully.
It was different with Lynn. She and I clicked early on, chatting and sharing things the way women do. Yes, she was Gil’s wife, and as such, I was careful what I revealed to her about my past life. Paul and I may have had decided not to pester each other about our sexual pasts. But Lynn was likely to share what I revealed to Gil, who most likely blab it to Paul. So I was cautious. Lynn, on the other hand, was not.
“All he cares about is his science work and his computers,” Lynn complained to me about her husband. “We are still young. We should be out having fun while we can still enjoy life.”
“Have you talked to him about it?” I asked, to which Lynn scoffed.
“Until I’m blue in the face. Gil dismisses it by saying maybe next week. I have a deadline, or we’re close to a breakthrough. But every day, we seem further apart. I’m lonely and bored, Paula. You have kids to keep you busy. We don’t. Gill doesn’t think it’s time yet.”
Lynn and Gil were older than us, I thought. If not now, when would they be ready?
***
Time had passed, during which I had gotten the kids from the baby and toddler phases to preschool. With Paul mostly at work, it was left to me to take care of them. I thought of daycare for them and going back to work, but Patty and Ben had developed issues that daycare would not handle. Our Ben refused to talk until he was three. And Patty kept getting into fights with kids when we had her in daycare. So I stayed home and cared for them, doing what I thought was best at the time.
Lynn, by contrast, worked and still pestered Paul for children. It was 1990, and Lynn was then twenty-nine. An age I had not reached yet to understand the meaning of coming closer to the dreaded “thirty” milestone. A time when women question their status in life and take stock. The dreaded question: ‘is this all there is?’