“Um, I’m sorry Martha,” Mike stammered, lost for words.
She decided he needed a little help.
“Listen Mike, if we can just talk for a few minutes, I promise I’ll leave. I’ve been learning some things about myself, and I’d like to share them with you if that is OK. I promise I won’t take too much of your time, then I’ll go.”
Mike stepped back from the doorway, opening it for her to enter. “Of course, Martha, I was just having a some of coffee, can I get you a cup?”
“That would be lovely, thank you.”
“Still black?”
“Yep, hot and strong.”
The way she said “hot and strong” made him flinch a bit inside. It wasn’t seductive, but it was. “What the hell was going on?” he wondered as he poured her a cup.
They sat at the table and Martha glanced at the paper. He was a throwback of sorts. Everyone else was reading the news on their iphone or tablet, but not Mike, he wanted to hold the paper and scan it like always. One more thing she found sexy about him. “Shit, he looks good! Get ahold of yourself girl and stay on track,” she reminded herself.
“Thanks Mike, I’ll come right to the point. I’m here to ask your forgiveness. What I did to you and our marriage was despicable. My behavior was selfish and destructive. No husband should ever have to deal with what I put you through. I’m not going to make excuses or play the victim. ‘Little Billy’ played me, but I’m a big girl and one hundred percent responsible for my decisions and choices.”
Martha had always insisted everyone call her paramour William. Mike refused, always referring to him as ‘little Billy.” She had always railed on Mike when he did this. The name she used certainly got his attention.
“I drove a wedge between us and, I think, a stake through your loving heart. You were right to not put up with my grievous behavior and divorce me. I can’t believe you’re still single and I’m not here to ask you to take me back, but I am here to look you in the eye and tell you I was wrong, and you were right. I’m here to ask you to consider what it may take for you to forgive me. I want to make amends as best I possibly can. I know I have no right to ask this, but I’d like us to be able to be around our family as friendly to one another as possible. This can’t happen until I tell you how awful I know I was and ask you to consider some small reconciliation.”
She was crying now but kept going. “You don’t have to say anything now. I want you to take all the time you need to consider this. I’ll be patient and wait, no matter how long it takes. It may never come, as I said, I don’t deserve anything but animosity from you. But I’m seeing myself now in a much more honest light and I had to come and share this with you in the hopes that perhaps we could be on friendly terms.”
Mike sat silently looking into Martha’s eyes. He knew something had changed. Something had clicked in her heart and in her head. This was more like the woman he’d fallen in love with over twenty-eight years ago. There was remorse and sorrow. He felt it was genuine. She wasn’t here because little Billy had tossed her out. That was several months ago. She wasn’t sick with the STDs anymore, so she wasn’t looking for him to take care of her. Whatever her motivation, it seemed to Mike she was honestly remorseful for her actions.
Martha took his silence as the end of the conversation and got up to leave. “Thanks for the coffee and the time Mike.”
Before she left Mike replied. “This is a lot to take in Martha. You know you crushed my heart with your lies, cheating and then throwing it in my face. It took me a couple of months just to be able to function somewhat normally. I’m in a much better place now, but you almost killed me. I’m not saying I won’t forgive you, but I’ll need some time to think thing over. I may or may not want to talk to you again. I may or may not be able to forgive you, but I will treat your coming here today and sharing what you did with fairness.”
Martha left both relieved and wound up. She was thankful she could share all she did, and grateful Mike listened. But now what? This could go a lot of different ways, most of them bad, all of which she knew she deserved, but there was a tiny sliver of hope as well. Could Mike find it in his heart to forgive her so they could at least have an amicable relationship around the family? It may be hoping for too much, but it was all she had.
Mike walked her to the door and politely smiled as they said goodbye. For her part, Martha climbed into her 2018 blue Honda Accord, laid her head on her steering wheel and wept. Little did she know Mike was observing her from his bay window. Mike was a smart guy, a very successful guy, but like most men, women were somewhat of an enigma and his ex-wife was no different. “What the hell,” he thought scratching his head.
He chuckled thinking about a line from one of his favorite movies, “Jeremiah Johnson.” The young mountain man wanna be Johnson, was learning about life in the wilderness from his mentor “Bear-Claw” Chris Lapp. Bear-Claw responded to Johnson’s question about being lonely for a woman. “But don’t get me wrong; I loves the womens, I surely do. But I swear, a woman’s breast is the hardest rock that the Almighty ever made on this earth, and I can find no sign on it.”
“I guess some things never change,” mused Mike as he returned to his WSJ.
The following Friday, Mike called Martha. He hated texting, preferring to hear the other person’s voice. Lots of nuance you couldn’t get from reading words on a screen. She answered on the second ring.
“Hi Mike” she said trying to sound casual
“Hey Martha, I guess you kept my number huh?” Mike responded genuinely surprised.
“Why yes… yes, I did. I don’t know why but it never occurred to me to delete it. It’s nice to hear from you.”
“Thanks, it’s nice to hear your voice as well.” (OK he thought, I may as well dive right in the deep end!)
“Martha, I want to say again I appreciate your words last Sunday. I’m still not sure what to make of them, but to be honest, what you said was the last message I ever expected to come out of your mouth. Perhaps I should have taken more time to talk to you then, but I was a bit overwhelmed.”
“No worries, Mike, I’m sure it was a surprise for you. I meant what I said, there was no expectation on my part for you to respond that morning.”
“Thanks Martha, listen, let me come right to the point. I know I’m not ready to forgive you because we’ve never discussed what happened from this perspective. You shocked me by your betrayal and demand I accede to your affair. I could never accept that and shouted as much at you. Our handful of attempts to talk were coming from people opposing one another, each trying not to lose. What you’ve asked me is to be part of a conversation WITH you, WITH a mutual goal of forgiveness and some minimal reconciliation.”
“Over the last five days I’ve experienced a wide range of emotions. Rage, fear, deep sadness, loneliness, confusion and then some. However, one thing I’ve decided for certain. I want to have this conversation with you. I can’t look myself in the mirror if I’m unwilling to listen to someone asking forgiveness. I don’t know if it is genuine, or what has motivated it. I am nowhere near trusting you or what you say but if I ignore your request, I will be making a choice based on hate, animosity, and a desire for revenge. That isn’t who I want to be.”