“Yes, you came home for evenings and weekends and most of the time you heart and mind were with me and the kids.” Yes, you continued to bring me surprises and take me on fun weekend getaways. But something in it felt rote. I’m not saying you stopped loving me, far from it. I know you always adored me. But at some point, it seemed a bit more like going through the motions than deeply heartfelt. I felt like you stopped pursuing me and treasuring me. You played a little more golf on our weekend getaways than before. You rarely mixed up the types of flowers you brought me. I counted once and it was a three-month period between you asking me my thoughts on an important topic.”
“I have no excuse for what I did. I should have come to you and talked about it with you. I should have shared my thoughts and concerns. It would have been so simple to tell you about my hurt and what I felt were your slights. I am confident you would have engaged with me and we would have found a good pathway forward and deepened our love for one another.”
“This is what makes it so hard for me. The obvious and best answer was right in front of me and I ignored it. I can’t say it didn’t dawn on me to approach you. It did. But at the same moment little Billy was crouching at my door. He was paying serious attention to me. Flattering me, taking an interest in my thoughts and opinions and noticing the smallest things about me. If I had a slightly different way of wearing my hair, or had a new pair of shoes he noticed. If I felt off, he picked up on it and asked me about my feelings. In short, he romanced me like a man truly interested in a woman does.”
“I was pleased with his attentions. I can’t say I was blindsided, but at first it just felt nice to have a man, ten years my junior pursuing a relationship with me. He was smooth, so smooth I was in too deep before I realized what was happening. I was no child and should have been wise to his sweet-talk, but maybe I just decided I’d ignore what it was because it was fun and exciting.”
“I won’t go into the physical side of the relationship. I’m glad you’re not interested. But I must say the first time he kissed me I was gob smacked. I didn’t see it coming. I kissed him back, but only for a brief second. He apologized, we both said it would never happen again. Three days later, in my office he kissed me again, more passionately this time and again, I didn’t stop him. Like before, we promised ourselves that this couldn’t go anywhere. We didn’t touch each other for two weeks.”
“Then on a Wednesday evening when you had taken MJ and sally out of town to see your dad, he stopped by my office. I stayed late that day to get some extra grading done. We talked for a few minutes when he came around my desk, pulled me to my feet and kissed me deeply. I knew at that moment I was going to sleep with him.”
It happened that night. Not in our house or in our bed, it was at his apartment. When I left his place returning home, I cried all the way and then cried myself to sleep. I felt so guilty. I knew I had to tell you but was terrified at how you would respond. I knew you’d never cheat on me. I knew your strident honesty. As I began to play out scenarios in my mind and each of them ended with you kicking me to the curb.”
By the end of the next day, before you came home my shame had turned to anger. Why had you neglected me? Why didn’t you do the little things Billy was doing? Perhaps it was out of fear, but by the end of the day I was blaming you. This was your fault. I deserved to be happy and if you couldn’t see how to do that it was your fault. I know now that was beyond immature and selfish but that is what I did.”
“My rude behavior wasn’t instant. I worked hard to hide my cheating by trying to be kind and loving to you, but I couldn’t pull it off. Maybe you felt something that first weekend, maybe it took a few weeks, but I began to treat you differently and we both know where that went.”
Martha was tearful as she spoke, but she kept her eyes on Mike. She didn’t want him to just hear her words, she wanted him to see her heart and know she wasn’t holding back. It was ugly and hurtful but she was done shifting the blame and lying about her duplicity.
For his part, Mike met her gaze. He too was tearing up as she spoke, but he wanted to reassure her he wanted to engage even if it meant reliving some of the worst moments of his life. He also wanted her to know he wasn’t a defeated man. He never felt the better man won. His ego was deeply bruised, but his dignity was intact. Yes, he’d made mistakes and come up short in several ways as she had mentioned, but he was confident that didn’t add up to Martha being free to pursue another man while married to him. If he looked away or down at his feet, his body language would signal a lack of confidence. He’d not been perfect, but in this case, he was well aware he held the moral high ground and he wasn’t going to give an inch.
“I understand your comments Martha, and don’t have any follow up questions right now. I may want to come back to this later, but for now I appreciate you trying to tell me the truth. What I’d like to know is how do you know your current remorse will actually lead to true change? Couldn’t it be that you are just afraid of growing old alone? You’re only fifty-one, but that’s not thirty-one. Perhaps you’re not really sorry, you’re just frightened about being alone and you believe I’m your easiest pathway back to stability as you define it.”
Martha was silent for a moment, rolling Mike’s comments around in her head. “It could be Mike, but as far as I know my heart I don’t think so. I wouldn’t call it a conversion experience, but I’ve done a great deal of soul-searching since Jim and Sally confronted me. I’d already been alone for a month when that happened and had begun considering my choices. On the outside, I was still acting as the defiant liberated woman. But on the inside, I knew I’d done great damage to my own soul and couldn’t sustain the façade.”
“Cheating on Billy was the icing on the cake of my moral dilemma. Billy wasn’t a 100th of the man you were and are Mike, but that was no excuse for my behavior. His discovery and my STD prognosis left me adrift in a sea of inner turmoil. I couldn’t justify who I had become no matter how hard I tried. One day, shortly after being uninvited to Em’s fourth birthday party I began to have a new thought. It slowly dawned on me that men weren’t my problem, I was my problem. No excuse, no blame-shifting, just beginning to hate the woman who looked back at me in the mirror.”
“Honestly, the thought of growing old alone does unsettle me. But if I’m going to grow old alone, at least it will be after I come clean, seek forgiveness and begin to rebuild the character I threw away through my selfishness.”
Now it was Mike’s turn to be quiet for a moment or two. She was giving him a good deal to process. He had a few more questions. What would a good outcome look like going forward? Did she plan on staying in the area long-term? He wanted to know about her counseling and how it was helping her. What did the counselor think of her course? She answered each with the same thoughtful and honest attitude.