“Well, that all sounds somewhat encouraging, but there is no guarantee she will never get worse.”
“Mom, there’s no guarantee I’ll come back from a skiing trip — there’s no guarantee of much in life, is there?”
“Jase, you’re a grown man as far as I’m concerned. Your mother may disagree. We’ve said our mind and that’s all we can do. If you decide to keep going with Michelle, we’ll do our best to be happy for you. I think that all we’re asking is that you slow down awhile and give yourself plenty of time to think this through. We don’t have a thing bad to say about her — it’s just our worry that you may be biting off something you can’t chew. Anyway, it’s getting late and it’s probably time we all got to bed. Sorry Jase, we just felt we had to at least say something. Goodnight.”
As I watch them head off to bed, I feel a wave of doubt crash over me. it’s a doubt I’ve kept at bay up until now. I can’t honestly say I disagree with them — it is a possibility that she gets much worse. What the hell do I really know? Just what I can understand from some library books. For the first time since Shelia dumped me, I feel another setback suddenly brought into my life casting a dark shadow over my life — and for the first time since meeting her, I feel doubt creeping between Micky and me. Maybe they’re right?
***
As the days unfold, I know I’m avoiding her — not so much her, but avoiding the huge elephant in the room. If I don’t see her, I won’t have to talk about it. At the same time, I feel my own heart breaking little by little as reality settles in. My friends seem to know my every thought — one of the pitfalls of a small town. Not one of them has encouraged me to stick with her — each of them has some negative possibility to tell me about.
***
I haven’t heard anything from him since we all shared dinner together. I know what it is, I don’t blame them. Hell yes, I’m a risk and a guaranteed burden. I knew from the beginning this was a mistake — I just wanted to feel wanted and desired … I guess I did get to experience it even if it was just in passing. Oh well, nothing ventured nothing gained … just a slightly broken heart. It’s for the best, better to find out now than later. My tears mock me, my loneliness snickers ‘I told you so’. The poor little crippled Mexican girl always hoping for more. I struggle to stay above the waves — dark waves that pull me down under the waters of hopelessness.
*****
Scene Eight: Can Love Be Stronger Than Fear
For three weeks I haven’t seen her or spoken to her — not because I don’t want to, it’s more that I’m ashamed of letting others influence me. The first ones I tell are Mom and Pop.
“Yeh, I’m sure. And yes I thought about what you said. But I’ve made my own decision and I’m going to see if there’s anyway to get her back. I’ve read as much as I can find on Polio, and I’m willing to risk that her body is able to deal with it.”
“Son, give it some more time. You’ll meet someone new. I’m afraid you’ll regret this for the rest of your life. I just hope.”
“No Dad, I’ve given it enough time to know I’ve made the biggest mistake in my life already. I’m going to try to undo that mistake — if I’m lucky maybe she’ll forgive me. I know you both have only the best of intentions, but I really can’t accept your advice on this. I just ask for your prayers for me and Michelle — pray that our love, and hopefully our marriage, will last as long as yours. It’d be nice to have your blessing, but if you can’t I understand.”
My mother walks to me, envelops me with a hug. It’s a broken and trembling voice that breaks that embrace, “Jason, I do give you my blessing, I see the feelings you have for her is stronger than we thought — honey, love will get you through just about anything this old world can throw at you. You just hang on tight to that love and I know you’ll both be just fine. Now get going and go tell that poor girl you love her and ask her to marry you. But if I can give you one piece of advice … and I don’t doubt you feel love for Michelle. But Jase, I really think it would be better if you and Michelle would consider a longer engagement. You’re both busy in school, and you have to admit that you haven’t really been together very long. Would it hurt anything to set the wedding date for … I’d say a year from now? Spend that time making sure that it’s solid enough to stand the storms of a marriage. Concentrate on both, your studies and growing closer — make sure you two really are destined to become entwined as one soul. Think about it, and then talk to her about it. Maybe you could even set the date for Valentine’s Day 1974? That sounds like something she might like — I know I would if it were me. Now go talk to her and see if you can work things out. ”
***
I’m not a hundred percent sure what the rules are for men getting into one of the women’s dorms. As it turns out, there’s a desk with some student staff to ask. “I’m wondering if there’s some way you could let Michelle Morrison know that Jason Nichols is here and would like to talk to her.” There must be a way, one of the young ladies pretty much runs off to tell my love I’m here and need to talk to her. It’s taking awhile and one of the young ladies lets me know there’s a small lounge room just down the hall I can wait in. When I find it, the room is empty and I take a seat and wait … I wait what seems an eternity. Just when I’m considering going to ask someone, Michelle opens the door and walks in. We just stand there looking at each other — I give her a small smile and she returns the gift. “Micky, I fucked up. I let other people put ideas in my head — Micky, I made a mistake. Can you forgive me?”
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