FILIA SOROR: Remember, if you refuse to answer…
ZACH [shrugging]: No, I mean, I can guess. Johnny Depp? I guess. She made me see all those dumb Pirate movies.
[Bell rings]
FILIA SOROR [smiles broadly]: Congratulations Zach, you just banked $500.00 for your family!
ZACH [shrugging]: I have no idea why this is even a, like, trivia question or whatever.
FILIA SOROR [pushing buttons on her desk. All the lights now dim]: Okay that first round was easy. Way too easy, and but you all know how this works: they have something to lose now. We are going to turn things up, just the way you all like. And we are going to do it quick to throw them off balance. So hold onto your…hats. [pushes buttons until Freddy’s light comes back on] Freddy, welcome back for your second question. So, we asked your sister Alexis, “What is your favorite kind of porn?” What is your sister’s favorite kind of porn, a) gay porn, b) gangbang porn, or c) tentacle and monster porn?,
FREDDY [eyes wide, cheeks turning deep red]: What are you asking? Is this, like a joke reality show or something? You didn’t ask Alexis that.
FILIA SOROR: Freddy, you don’t have infinite time to answer this question. If you don’t answer it, you lose the $500.00 you’ve already earned. If you just make a guess, at the very least, you keep your money.
FREDDY: Yeah but…
FILIA SOROR: Three seconds…
FREDDY: b) I guess. The gang…yeah, b).
[Loud buzz sounds]
FILIA SOROR [winces and shakes head]: Oh Freddy, I am sorry that is incorrect. The correct answer was c) tentacle and monster porn. If your sister had a choice, that’s what she’d pick to watch. Likes when the tentacles choke the girl a bit.
FREDDY [looking down slightly]: Uh, okay…
FILIA SOROR [pushing buttons on her desk. The lights dim in Freddy’s booth and come on in Ashleigh’s booth]: Okay, Ashleigh, it is your turn for your second question. So, we asked your sister Kassie, “What do you think about most often when you masturbate?” When she masturbates, does your sister think about a) her best friend from high school, b) Zendaya, or c) half a dozen dicks in a glory hole?
ASHLEIGH [mouth wide open, shaking her head]: Why…No, I wouldn’t know and wouldn’t say if I did!
FILIA SOROR: If you don’t answer it, you lose the $500.00 you’ve already earned. If you just make a guess, at the very least, you keep your money.
ASHLEIGH: Oh god, she knew it was some kind of game like this didn’t she? I should have known she’d…
FILIA SOROR: Three seconds.
ASHLEIGH [sighing, resigned]: Zendaya?
[Loud buzz sounds]
FILIA SOROR [winces and shakes head]: Oh Ashleigh, I am sorry that was incorrect. The correct answer was c) half a dozen body-less dicks in a glory hole, just railing your sister every which way.
ASHLEIGH: Yeah…
FILIA SOROR [pushing buttons on her desk. The lights dim in Ashleigh’s booth and come on in Zach’s booth]: Alright Zach, time for your second question. So, we asked your mother Candace, “What is your favorite sex toy?” Is your mother’s favorite thing to get off with a) a vibrator, b) a good-old fashioned dildo, or c) she refuses to use one, only her fingers?
ZACH [visibly recoiling]: Am I like…have I been drugged or something?
FILIA SOROR [turning to look at the camera]: The producers and legal team here at Family Freud want me to stress, in no uncertain terms, that all participants on the show have not been drugged and, in fact, were drug tested before filming began. We were as shocked as you are that Zach didn’t test positive for weed. [turning back to Zach]. If you don’t answer it, you lose the $500.00 you’ve already earned. If you just make a guess, at the very least, you keep your money. Your mother needs this money…
ZACH: Uh, c). Whatever
[Loud buzz sounds}
FILIA SOROR [winces and shakes head]: Oh Zach, I am sorry that was incorrect. The correct answer was a) your mother has a trusty vibrator she uses when she is getting herself off.
ZACH: This is so fucking weird.
FILIA SOROR [shakes head]: Language please Zach, this is a family show.
ZACH: Yeah…wait, what?
FILIA SOROR [The lights dim in Zach’s booth and come on in Freddy’s booth] Freddy, welcome back for your third question. So, we asked your sister Alexis, “What position were you in when you lost your virginity?” The first time someone screwed your sister was in, a) missionary position, b) reverse cowgirl, or c) 69?
FREDDY [eyebrows furrowed]: I have been thinking about this since the last question, and I feel like you are trying to make me look like an asshole or something. Alexis is my older sister and…
FILIA SOROR: Three seconds. Or lose your money.
FREDDY [sighing loudly]: a). Right?
[Loud buzz sounds]
FILIA SOROR: Oh Freddy, I am sorry that was incorrect. The correct answer was c). When your sister and your cousin Maria fooled around the first time, they ate each other’s pussies. Which was smart all around, because Alexis came that very first time.
FREDDY [aghast]: Does Alexis know what kind of questions you are asking?
FILIA SOROR: She answered the questions in the survey, remember. [Pushing buttons on her desk. The lights dim in Freddy’s booth and come on in Ashleigh’s booth]: Okay, Ashleigh, it is your turn for your third question. So, we asked your sister Kassie, “where were you the first time you had sex with more than one person?” You sisters first threesome did it happen a) at high school graduation, b) in your bedroom, Ashleigh, or c) in the bathroom of a Taco Bell?