“You arrogant prick. You think I am going to let you beat me to a pulp, they you’re going to fuck me before I take your wife from you. And then you’re going to continue to to screw me every night this week? Who the hell do you think you’re talking to?”
“Hi dear,” my lovely wife said as she slid up onto the stool on the other side of me. “I see you’ve met my lunch buddy! Have you already explained how we do this?”
“I have. He has already reimbursed my costs.”
“Car too?”
“Car too. I didn’t give him change, so you owe him an extra hump.”
“I’ll give him two if you give me ten later.”
“Deal.”
“Did he say we’re dancing?”
“He did. We were just about to step outside.”
“Can I watch?”
“Who ARE you people?”
He looked straight at my wife as he broke into our banter. I sipped my bourbon and let my wife take over the honor of straightening out the interloper.
“You actually knew about this craziness when you were sharing lunches with me?
“Yes! We make sure each other is always treated with equal care. We used to take it so far as to tell each other how much we spent on gifts so we could keep that even, but then we decided a loving thought is worth a loving thought in return, and that was more important than the dollar value.”
“And you know about the fight thing.”
“We only do that for lost dances during an attempted seduction.”
“I’m not worried about the fight. I can handle myself. What about the sex thing? Your husband is gay!”
“Actually my husband has had bisexual tendencies for years, but I can assure you, since we’ve been together he has been entirely monogamous, so the whole gay thing has yet to happen.”
“But he said…”
“Yes he did, but it has never gotten that far. We haven’t ever gotten past the dance stage. And watch for his right hook. It comes from lower than you would expect. It’s very quick and very hard to see.”
At this point the bartender broke in.
“It’s brutal. I’ve only seen it four or five times, but it was an instant KO for all but one. Your jaw will be sore, but he doesn’t seem to be angry enough at you to break it.”
“He always wins?”
“Every time I’ve seen him. Most guys don’t get that far. You’ll see if he takes off his shirt.”
“Ooooo…it’s my favorite part,” cood my wife. “Baby you look so hot.”
The guy just didn’t give up.
“C’mon old man. Let’s dance.”
“You really want this? Even knowing what happens next should you succeed?”
“I told you. I’m going to fuck your wife.”
“You approached me at the urinals in a restaurant bathroom with a wild assed claim you were somehow going to fuck my wife. While you were there, did you break etiquette enough to look at my cock?”
He blushed. He blushed deeply. He hadn’t noticed but there were other regulars that had gathered around to see what the latest attempt on my gorgeous wife would yield. They snickered at his blushed response to my question.
“If you looked, why would you think my wife would need more?”
“I’m younger.”
“Which is synonymous with inexperienced.”
“I have plenty of experience!”
“Slut!” It was my wife broke into the patter. “The only experience that counts is experience that has taught my lover how to love me. I have very specific buttons that need pushing, and you don’t have a clue what they might be.”
“Tell me! I’ll do anything. I know you’ll never forget a night with me.”
“Having to teach you is not exactly a benefit you know, and a night I’ll never forget could be a bad thing as easily as good.”
It was time to end this. The posturing was idiotic, but what do you expect from anything that starts at a urinal!
“Ok, let’s go then.”
I skulled my bourbon and headed for the door behind the bar. The regulars followed, and gathered in a circle just outside the door. He slithered out the door to join us.
“Let’s make this clear. You’ve been an incredible inconvenience tonight. While I appreciate the compensation, I am disturbed the message hasn’t reached your brain. So now we are here, if you take a step back towards the door, you may leave untouched. If you step toward me, I will hit you once. It will be a right hook. It will come from a low angle, as you’ve heard. You will go down hard, and it may break your jaw. When your head clears afterwards, if you still want to fuck my wife, we will both drop trou and I will have my way with you, and then go home. The rest will be between you and her. Understood?”
He nodded his understanding. Then he bum rushed me. Then he spun backwards into the arms of the regulars, who began cheering for the guy who had bet on three successful steps in the rush to get close enough for me to hit him. The odds were on the first step, but give a guy credit, he was fast!
He never really blacked out, but he was pretty woozy for a while. When he was strong enough, the regulars helped him into a chair.
“How’s your jaw?”
“Sore. But I don’t think you broke it.”
“Nah, neither do I. I pulled my punch. So, who am I fucking tonight, you or my wife?”
“Oh no man, I’ve had enough.”
“Ok, you owe me an additional two hundred.”
“What the fuck! Why?”
“Hundred dollars for hurting my hand. Jaws aren’t soft you know.”
”You didn’t have to hit my jaw!”
“But I promised you, so yes I did, and you owe me damages.”
“Then you owe me for hurting my jaw!”
“No. That was your choice.”
“Then what is the other hundred for?”
“You don’t want to fuck my wife. If you had I would have gotten to have anal sex, which she doesn’t do. I really don’t mind, because she is amazing in bed. But still, you cost me the experience. Or you can let me hit you again for a hundred dollars a pop. I’d like to see what my left can do to human ribs, so a shot on each side would give me some feedback.”
“No, I’ve had quite enough, thank you. But I’m a little short on cash.”
I gave him my Venmo. An ice pack materialized from somewhere, and a round of whiskey courtesy of the winner of the pool. He dragged himself to his feet, and someone called him a taxi.
“Listen, if I don’t stay for dinner, can I get that money back?”
The round of laughter was his answer. I joined my wife at our table.
“Well my love, dinner is on your lunch buddy tonight.”
“To my lunch buddy, and your punch buddy!”
“So, do you think you’ll continue have lunch with him?”
“No dear. I’m afraid I’ve lost my Tuesday lunch companion. Now you owe me, you know. You can meet me at Bangkok Gardens on Tuesday at noon.”
Oh crap. Thai food.