I saw the doc’s eyes sparkle and a slight grin come to his lips. “Too detailed?” I asked, thinking maybe I needed to tone it down a bit.
“No, no that’s not the case. I can see that you and Katelyn were…actively engaged,” he answered.
“Yeah, Well she had a high sex drive, Doc,” I smiled as I confirmed his comment.
“I guess I get a little rest before she creeps into those few minutes of sleep. She purrs out sassy innuendos, whispering her temptations just out of the range of our daughter’s room. Doc, Katelyn is adept at pumping up my lust for her always-willing body. In the heat of passion, she would drive us into near cardiac arrest seeking to best our last orgasm. While she has a staid outer image of a brilliant high school teacher, no one ever suspected that she was really a vixen relishing sex without any sense of shyness or shame. Like the old saying goes, ‘She likes to fuck at the drop of a hat.’ And we did that abundantly!”
“So, trouble sleeping, normal sex life, and smart wife! What’s not to like?” he noted, as he wrote a few words in his journal.
“That sounds about right. But the sex life might be…not so normal, perhaps,” I added.
“Doctor, just over a year-and-a-half ago, our lives began to fall apart. This all changed when weakness and fatigue crawled upon her shoulders; enveloped her, bit into her slender body, and sucked the joy of living from the marrow of her bones. Helpless, we could only watch as cancer turned Katelyn into a frail figure of her former, vibrant self. Her school colleagues continued to support her and our daughter, Katrina, in this life-and-death struggle.”
“Take your time, no rush to get through this, we can take a break anytime you want.” Zimmerman’s soft voice seemed to bring some comfort to the misty eyed glaze I wiped from my eyes.
I managed to continue, “Mercifully, she slipped away from her unbearable pain just two weeks before Katrina’s high school graduation.
“Katrina didn’t bear up well under her mom’s passing; even though we steeled ourselves for the inevitable moment. Kitten, that’s what we nicknamed Katrina. She loves cats! Anyway, Kitten didn’t go back to school, even for her graduation ceremony. Because of her straight ‘A’ average and the waiving of her exams by the staff, she received her diploma. It was personally delivered at home by the school district’s superintendent. One of the benefits of living in a very small town; where everyone knows their neighbors. That, and the fact that Katelyn taught at the high school, was also a factor, I guess.
“Kitten, fell into a remorseful state, not even speaking of her impending eighteenth birthday. Her party would have been just one week after the Katelyn’s funeral. We moved through the next week hardly able to speak without the flow of tears bursting forth. Even the sight of a picture or seeing an article of Katelyn’s clothing in a closet, would set Kitten off into another tearful crying spell. We made no plans to mark her momentous birthday, I couldn’t bear to try to raise her spirits in such a short time.”
With mounting fear, I approached that moment in my conversation with Doctor Zimmerman, that moment which had its arms around my throat. I felt the fear.
The doc said, “Just let it out, don’t be judgmental. It’s extremely difficult to try and maintain what you think should be normal, in the midst of grief.”
So, I persevered.
“Doc, it was in that dream state, I heard the soft cry of a grieving child.
“Kitten’s soft voice called me, ‘Daddy, Daddy, are you awake?’
“It was a plaintiff voice calling through the shadows of the night. The parenting instinct still grips me now as it did during her childhood nightmares; rousing me from my slumber in the middle of the night. I struggled up onto one elbow, finding it hard to focus on the shadowy figure, outlined by the full moon, standing in our doorway; my doorway.
“‘Kitten,’ I asked, ‘What’s wrong?’
“She said, ‘I can’t sleep, Daddy. I keep thinking of mommy and then the monsters start climbing the stairs again. I know they’re not real, but they won’t let me sleep. Why are they coming back after so many years, Daddy?’
“Doctor Zimmerman, I have no answer for her. But my heart went out to her and I do what I always did that comforted her long ago. I lifted the bed covers and she glided across the room, slipping beneath them. Long ago, she would cuddle between Katelyn and me until she fell asleep and then I would carry her back to her bed. Doc, what was I supposed to do? Send her back to her room to cower in the dark and remain afraid?”
“You did what a parent who loves his child would do. I see no reason not to at this point. Ray, please, continue.”
The doctor’s answer seemed to fit with my own idea on how that should play out. It was comforting to know he shared similar thoughts. I breathed a sigh of relief, and picked up the events that unfolded from that point.
“At that late hour, she snuggled into the comfort of my arms. Her arm stretched out over my chest to hold my back and mine automatically matched her movements. I rubbed her back as I did so many years ago. Her head wiggled, searching for a comfortable position in the crook of my arm. I felt the softness of her breasts as they pressed into me. The heat of her body felt so wonderful. No longer a child, her body had grown into the mirror image of her mother. Together, we lay still until her body relaxed and slumber took hold in the middle of the night. Once again, my eyes closed and I crossed over to the other realm. Doc, sleep welded my eyes closed and pulled me into that dream world as well.”
“Excuse me, a second, Ray. You said, ‘…her body had grown into the mirror image of her mother.’ But you weren’t thinking it was…sexual by any chance?” Zimmerman said, trying not to look alarmed.
“Certainly not, Doc! We were exhausted and…I was just thinking about how much the two of them were so similar; not sexually though.”
“Um. Okay. Got it. So, the two of you fell asleep, but wrapped up in each other’s arms?”
“Ah, yes, that’s right, fell asleep, out like lights in the night sky…asleep under the stars.”
“Then what happened?” the doc asked as he made a few notes. He didn’t seem disturbed about where I knew this was going. I figured it would be just a matter of time, before he had a different opinion.
“Like I mentioned, Doc, I was in that REM state of sleep. My wife and I had not been in the same bed together for a long time. She…spent most of her last months in a hospital-type bed, with nursing caregivers in attendance. But this night, Katelyn turns to me, in my dreams; once more her hand roams over my body. I lay still, soaking in the sensations as my breathing deepens. I feel the tingling pleasures grow as her experienced fingers build upon my excitement, bringing me to the edge, but not to fulfillment.”
“That’s interesting! But not unexpectedly so…I mean to have those feelings after such a prolonged absence of holding your wife like that. You did say she was a bit hyper-sexual earlier? Yes, yes, perfectly normal response, Ray,” Zimmerman remarked, as he shifted the notebook on his lap.