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Sara was making cupcakes and brownies with her mother. They were for the Templeton Harvest Festival. It was a great tradition. There would be quite a few arts and crafts booths, games for the kids, treats for everyone, and even a beauty pageant for Harvest Queen. Everybody in the town was invited.
Ever since she was a kid Sara had participated within the Templeton Harvest Festival by baking pies with her mother for their own family booth. The Kirstin family always baked the traditional apple pie. However, there were lots and lots of other pie booths. There were booths for pecan pies, pumpkin pies, chocolate chess pies, sweet potato pies, cherry pies, key lime pies, rhubarb pies, blueberry pies, peach pies, lemon meringue pies, strawberry pies, coconut custard pies, blackberry pies, raspberry pies, sweet banana pies, apricot pies, pear pies, raison pies, mincemeat pies, razzleberry pies, zucchini mushroom pies, tofu black bean pies, and spicy clam pies. Templeton loved their pies.
Which was why Sara decided, now that she was 18 years old and could host her own booth, to make cupcakes and brownies. Sara’s mother was not terribly encouraging of this apparent “adolescent rebellion.” She was concerned, as a mother would be, that cupcakes and brownies really would not compete with the town’s love for pies. But, Sara wanted to give it a try and her mother could not dissuade her. You could always count on college students to push the envelope through to the more radical of choices. Sara’s mother though did at least help her with the baking, and Sara appreciated that support.
Sara was, however, distracted as they mixed and baked. Not surprisingly for a young lady, she was thinking about a boy; more specifically, George Reynolds.
George and Sara had been dating now for a few months, and it was evident that George loved Sara very much (see The Lessons, Chapter 11). At least he felt it was love. Young love can be very unpredictable, unstable, unreliable. But, at this point in time, for these weeks in time, even for these few months in time, he could not see himself ever loving anyone more than Sara.
Sara might in fact, in turn, feel the same way. Well, actually, she felt that George might be the best thing that had ever happened to her. She wasn’t sure it was love. She did like him very much. And, it might indeed be love. But, she wasn’t sure.
As the one who in the end, ends the relationship, often says, “It’s not you, it’s me. You are a great guy. You will make some girl very happy. There really is nothing wrong with you. That isn’t it. It’s just me.”
Sara, sadly enough, felt she could say these things with all due sincerity. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see George anymore. She enjoyed his company very, very much. She loved to be with him. She liked how he was there for her, how he listened to her, how he laughed at her silly jokes, how he did in fact seem to be sincerely concerned about her, how he stood up for her, how he was available for her. What was then the problem?
It wasn’t that he was unattractive. George was no Johnny Depp or Keanu Reeves. But, she wasn’t actually holding out for that. And, in any case, George was in fact a pretty good looking guy. He had nice symmetrical features; teeth that shown well with his engaging smile; soft, dreamy eyes; and thick, wavy hair. She really did find him to be quite attractive. Many girls would.
So, what was the problem?
The problem in this case really was her.
The problem was that he knew her secret predilection. He knew what she really liked. Or, at least, he felt that he knew, and as long as they stayed together it might become more and more difficult for her to convince herself that it wasn’t really true or, if it was true, that she would or could ever change.
The way she looked at it, it was like having a drug problem that was shared by your boyfriend: a co-dependency. As long as George and Sara stayed together they would convince each other that it really wasn’t a problem, that neither of them needed treatment, that they could share, even revel, in their pathology as if it was a valid, appropriate, healthy choice.
But, in this case, it wasn’t drugs. Neither of them had any drug problem. In fact, neither of them had ever done any real drugs, and they didn’t even enjoy drinking. They were, of course, too young to drink. That didn’t stop many of the college students at Templeton from occasionally imbibing, even to excess. But, even if Sara and George were of legal age, to drink, they wouldn’t have been heavy or frequent drinkers.
Alcohol or drug co-dependency was not the issue.
Sara was worried instead about a sexual co-dependency, a paraphilic co-dependency.
She had come across this disturbing notion from her psychology professor, Mr. Baldwin. He taught the Abnormal Psychology course at Templeton College, and he suggested that co-dependency could occur with regard to many other inappropriate, harmful predilections beyond just abnormal drug usage, including paraphilias.
And Sara wondered if she, indeed, was some sort of a sexual pervert.
The fact is, she really enjoyed anal sex. She wasn’t sure why. She just knew that ever since Mr. Peters gave her the spanking and, more importantly, made her wear the anal cork (see The Lessons, Chapter 1), she just couldn’t get enough. The source for her predilection was not, of course, Mr. Peters’ cork. The disposition was probably developed years before (see The Lessons, Chapter 11). In any case, it did seem to come to full actualization with George.
She was so surprised, and at first so happy, that he seemed to like it just as much as she. She no longer felt alone. She had found her soul mate, or at least her butt mate. It was so nice to be able to openly enjoy her unique predilection with someone else, without feelings of guilt or shame.
But, her comfort did not last long. The uncertainty, misgiving, doubts, and even guilt and shame, eventually returned. Even worse, she wondered if a relationship with George was actually a mistake, a big mistake. What if all that had happened was that she had just found someone as sick and debased as herself? The fact that two addicts don’t question their habits doesn’t make them normal, right, or healthy. The fact that two criminals don’t question the morality of each others’ acts of wrongdoing doesn’t excuse or negate their depravity. What if Sara and George were only kidding themselves, rationalizing a twisted and grotesque sexual sickness into the appearance of a consensual choice among two adults?
As she drifted through mixing, pouring, and baking, Sara considered confiding in her mother. This was, perhaps, precisely the sort of thing that one should talk about with one’s mother. Maybe liking anal sex really wasn’t a perversion? She would feel so much better if her mother just patted her on the back and reassured her. But, confiding in her mother was totally out of the question. Heck, her mother would not even approve of her having sex, let alone anal sex. Sara considered her parents to be among the most conservative and restrictive parents imaginable. There was no way she could talk to her mother about this.