He kissed my cheek, leaving it cold and my skin crawling. I tried my best to force myself into liking this, the party, the strangers Jenny and Brian invited, but now I just hoped the night would end quickly and that Brian would go home.
I was surrounded by the crowd and blaring music, and yet I felt as if I was alone in a silent room, detached from any kind of emotion the surrounding should evoke. Colder and colder my hands became numb at the touch of the drink that they held, uncaring of the pain it induced as I waited for something that could break my haze.
I went outside, unable to bear anything anymore; Brian, Henry, everyone. I needed time to be alone and think to myself. Leaning on the balcony I struggled internally between questioning my thoughts and feelings or just shutting them off as I had done until now. Breaking down in silent tears I was finally face to face with the reality of my situation.
I knew that it would be difficult and that I would miss Henry, but I told myself it was for the best to no longer have any secrets from the world and just live a normal life, even if neither of us wanted to live that life. I wanted him to be happy, I wanted him to be free from this taboo life, yet I was trapped and imprisoned inside my own head as the emotions I shared space with cut me deeply. No matter how much it hurt, I was ready to suffer through it as long as Henry would get the happiness he deserved.
“Hey,” said Brian coming out of the apartment.
“Hey,” I responded wiping tears from my eyes, “sorry, I just needed some fresh air, I’ll come back inside in just a few minutes.”
“It’s ok, you can take your time”
Standing next to me he waited, quietly in the dark, the awkward feeling of silence making a barrier between us that grew longer and longer.
“You’re not happy,” said Brian.
“What?” I responded.
“With me, this relationship, you’re not happy and you don’t want to do this.”
“No Brian, that’s not true, it’s just that…”
“You don’t have to lie, or at least, don’t lie to yourself,”
“Brian…”
“I like you Logan, a lot. You’re beautiful and brilliant and I love how awkward and silent you are, I love how reserved you can be and all the little mistakes you make, you’re a mess, and It drives me crazy, crazy for you.”
He took my hands and continued
“That’s why I want you to be happy, I need you to find someone who’s right for you. So, I’m going to have to break up with you now so you can do that,”
I couldn’t believe I was hearing this from Brian, and though I tried my best to hide it, it gave me the feeling of release that I desperately needed at that moment.
“Brian, I’m so sorry, you’re…” having no other words to say I simply hugged him as more tears fell down my cheek.
“It’s ok, I hope you find that person.”
“I hope you do too,” I said giving him one last kiss on the cheek.
“Wait here, I’ll tell the guys the party’s over, and we’ll go,” he said walking back into the room.
Avoiding the departing crowd, I sat away from the door looking at all the guys and girls who had come and made a mess of our apartment. Once they were all gone, I returned and opening the door I saw Jenny now alone, on the couch staring at her bottle. With Henry nowhere to be seen I figured something had happened.
“Jenny? Everything ok?”
“Yeah,” she said shuffling on the couch, “I’ll be ok.”
“Where’s Henry?”
“In your room, we broke up,”
“Oh sweety, I’m so sorry to hear that, what happened?”
“Just talked, we knew it wasn’t going to happen, so we ended it.”
I hugged her, I wasn’t the most comforting person in the world but I knew that this would be enough.
“You’ll be happy, you’ll find what you’re looking for,” I told her.
“What happened?” asked Brian coming back into the apartment.
“I’m fine,” said Jenny, “what happened to you? Were you crying?”
“It’s nothing,” he responded with a red face, “I’ll live,”
“Guess we’re both losers tonight huh?” retorted Jenny.
“Wanna cry our sorrows at my place?”
“Sure,” she said, a smile running across her face.
Brian took her hand, helped her off the couch and hugged her. For one moment they stared at each other as if trying to find something they were both looking for.
“Thanks for the party, Logan, it was fun,” she said.
“Thank you, Logan.” Repeated Brian.
They walked out, together, Jenny holding on to Brian with her head on his shoulder and his arm around her body.
Looking around I saw the mess everyone had made; plastic cups littered the floor and the furniture had been moved begging to be returned to their original posts. Instead, I left the trash behind as I walked towards my room. Opening the door I saw Henry sitting on the bed with a look as if he were waiting for me.
“Hey, need a hand cleaning?” he asked me.
“No,” I answered, “we can do that later I think.”
I sat down on the bed next to him, we looked away from each other staring into the void with the low buzz of the city’s sounds coming through the walls giving the silent room a nice background for us to share.
“Hey Logan, about what you said before…” said Henry interrupting our quiet moment.
“Yeah?”
“I know it’s complicated, because of us, because we’re family, and we both decided that being normal siblings was probably the best option for us, and I still think that.”
“I know, it’s just too much of a risk,” I told him.
“So, we both agree that it’s just a smarter idea to not be together?” he asked.
“Objectively speaking, yes, it’s the better option for the both of us.”
“Oh, ok,” said my brother now looking down at the floor.
Whatever thought was going through his head at that moment was interrupted, however, by me pushing him into the bed and straddling his hips. Our mouths met and our arms held each other close, we kissed as we let all our concerns go away. This was our true wish, the only place we belonged and could be happy together.
He switched places with me. Now on top Henry held my face in his hands as we stared into each other’s eyes, his a bright reflection in the dark. We both needed the other at that moment and there was no more time to waste. I began to remove his shirt, him my pants, his belt hit the floor and soon after so did my top while his hands grasped the back of my bra. Our two bodies were a single form in the darkness of the room, our love uniting us physically and mentally.
We had been naked together many times before. We had made love, but tonight there was a new power to the moment. A product of that great crossroad we had passed before, those fears and worries about the future had always crushed us, but now, there was no secret worry or hidden anxiety for us, just me and Henry together as we had always wanted.
I felt him, his penis penetrating me as I opened for him wet from the passion of the moment. I spoke to him.
“Please, Henry, I love you.”
“I love you too” he answered before kissing me again and starting to thrust.
I felt every one of them all over my body, I asked him to go faster and harder until we found the perfect pace, just the right rhythm to drive me over the edge. My finger ran over Henry’s back, his hands holding my breasts, kisses on my neck pushing me even more.