“No,” she whimpered as her face scrunched even more. “I was getting ready for bed and I…” She looked down, her misery clear on her face. She looked up again and sniffed as her eyes welled with tears. “I started thinking about Fish, Grace, and Juice… and Lilly and Jacob… and Packard’s funeral.” I began to speak but she wasn’t finished. “Packard, Fish, Grace, and Juice are all dead, and Goose and Big Dick are injured, and it’s all because of me.” She held her hands up slightly and looked at them. “There’s so much blood on my hands.”
She’d endured so much these last few weeks… we all had. I went to her and pulled her into an embrace. Her control broke with my touch. Her arms surrounded me and held me tight as she began to weep softly.
“No. Don’t say that. It’s not your fault. You did nothing to cause this,” I whispered.
“I’m so, so sorry for everything that’s happened.”
“It’s not your fault,” I repeated. I almost said ‘It’s my fault’ but held my tongue, not wanting her to think she had to comfort me.
“I feel like it’s my fault.”
“Shhhh…” I hissed softly. “It’s not and you know it.”
She nodded as she sniffed. “Will you hold me? I don’t want to be alone.”
“Nobody knows where you are. You’re safe now,” I murmured as I silently prayed I wasn’t mistaken.
She nodded but didn’t release her embrace. “I know… I just don’t want to be alone.” I didn’t move until she pulled herself out of my embrace, stepped back, and wiped her eyes. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay. You’ve been through a lot.”
She nodded. “You’ll still hold me?”
“As long as you want.” She stepped back and as I followed her to her bedroom, I felt a stirring within me, but then I thought of Fish, Grace, and Juice, and what Deb had said, and Packard… and the feeling passed. She went to the right side of the bed, so I moved to the left. I shrugged out of my colors, and as I’d already removed my boots, I started to lay down.
“You’re going to sleep like that?” she asked as she crawled into the bed, still wearing her shirt.
“How would you have me sleep?”
“Not like that.” I hesitated and then stripped to my underwear. When I paused, a tiny smile danced across her lips. “Better.”
She snuggled in close to my side as I lay on my back, my arm closing around her shoulders, my hand on her back caressing her slowly as my other hand took her hand laying on my chest.
After a moment she sniffed, and I could tell she was crying again, though she made no noise and didn’t move. It was still uncomfortably warm in the room, and I was beginning to sweat with the combined heat of her body and the room, but I forced myself to remain still, not wanting her to think I was pulling away because she was crying. I said nothing, wishing I could do or say something to ease her guilt, but I had no words to give her that I hadn’t already said. I hoped her ordeal was behind her now, and her life could return to normal. Houston was too far from the Mexican border for the cartels to have much direct influence, unlike Rio Lago or Laredo. With professional protection she should be safe… I hope she’ll be safe.
Mafic joined us on the bed, settling on my chest to purr into my face. After a long time, she relaxed into sleep, and as her breathing became deep and regular, I pulled her in tighter, fighting against my own grief. Thoughts of Fish, Grace, Juice, and Packard, and Deb’s cutting words, tore at me in the quiet darkness. I’d led our club into a fight we were unprepared for, and four of my brothers had paid the ultimate price.
With Willow tucked in warm and soft, I tried to draw strength from the fact she was still alive and, physically at least, unharmed. It was some comfort, but it wasn’t enough. I refused to cry, but I couldn’t stop the maelstrom of thoughts as I listened to her quiet breathing and Mafic’s throbbing purr.