“Is this hope enough?” The determination and fear was now radiating from her face.
Brian sat quietly. He almost spoke several times before actual words left his mouth. “I think I’m more hopeful now than I ever been.” He smiled, then added, “We’re getting close but we’re not there yet. But yea, it’s the hope that is carrying us forward.”
There has been many times in which each of them would ask the other if they should continue. Each has worked at admitting their faults and failings. Both have moved on to making changes in their behavior. It’s been a step at a time.
Deb and Brian were now negotiating changes in their marriage together. They were taking the ‘tools’ that they were experiencing in these sessions to forge a new way to live with one another.
…
Tuesday April 6, 2021 Marriage session Brian, Debbie and Therapist Judy
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“Deb, I wanted you to know up front that I’m scheduled for my first vaccine shot of the two next week. There’s a spot near Madison that I signed up for it.”
The session became silent. Vaccines were a hot button issue with this marriage. Brian was following the science and Deb was not so sure. This was going to be a test for them both.
Deb started speaking quietly. “I know that this is dangerous and …”. Brian did not break in, he completely spoke over Deb and never gave her the chance to finish.
“I know that you aren’t into the science. I am. The risk of COVID complications is much more dangerous than the side effects of the shot.” Deb was nodding and motioned to Brian to speak. Only after he stopped speaking that he realized that he was loud and had cut her off. Sheepishly and with a look of embarrassment he smiled at her. “Sorry Deb, please continue.”
“I was saying that the vaccine COULD BE dangerous. Please get a hotel room and spend the night near Madison. I’m worried that something might happen to you. I’ll be calling you every hour and …”
Brian smiled and nodded yes.
“Thank you Brian. I need to be there for you. You doing this is you being there for me.”
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Tuesday April 20, 2021 Marriage session Brian, Debbie and Therapist Judy
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“Brian, I have some news for you. I think that you’ll be happy.” Deb was beaming. I could see a smile that I only rarely seen in these months of therapy.
“Our daughter Shelia will be picking me up on Thursday and we’ll both be getting our first vaccine shot together.”
Brian was shocked. “WWWhat happened? Why?”
“I saw that nothing really happened to you. I’ve also been looking at the experts. The anti-vaxxers, the political pundits and the … well … I felt that … let’s just say that I no longer listen to them. Then our daughter asked me if I wanted to get the shot, and I said yes.”
This shot was not just about the shot. It was also showing Deb and Brian working things out together. Another couple in therapy with me made the opposite decision. She got the shot and he moved out and stopped the joint sessions with his wife. I was not surprised. He was not invested in the marriage and used multiple excuses to distance himself from her. It was just an excuse, a very transparent excuse to end that other marriage.
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Monday May 3, 2021 Brian and Debbie Zoom Session
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“Deb, what are you going to be doing about Laura?” We’ve worked out many issues, tabled some and left other hanging. How her friend Laura was going to be handled in this marriage was a big question for me.
“Brian, first off, let’s get something straight.” She looked at me to be almost fierce in her determination. Frankly, I was worried.
“We make decisions for OUR marriage. Got it?” She smiled and I exhaled.
“She’ll still be my friend. IF we meet, it will be outside, distanced and masked — both of us.”
“What about all her conspiracy shi … errr … stuff? She gets on a soap box and doesn’t stop. Hell, she can’t be stopped.”
“Brian, I’m taking it from you. You’ve been telling me nicely that something that I’m doin’ is wrong or at least questionable. Then we get to discuss it nicely. And what happened when I still continued and went off the deep end, kept pushing and became unreasonable?” At this, Brian smiled. “Right, you’d tell me that it was time for you to leave. I realized that it’ll be hard, but I gotta do the same to her.”
Brian smiled at me again. It’s been a rough road for us, but with us both listening more to each other, we’ve been able to improve in how we interact with each other in ways that are actually healthy for OUR marriage.
“Deb, there is something that I’m starting worry about. I’ve been following the news and there’s something called DELTA is starting to happen in Europe and Asia. It doesn’t look good.”
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Monday May 24, 2021 Brian and Debbie Zoom
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“Deb, there is something that we really haven’t covered.” My mind was screaming out SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX. Our sex life wasn’t great beforehand. Two different people, two different sexual drives, two different wants and needs … two different …
“Brian, wannna let me guess or should we jump into it with both feet?” She looked a bit pensive, but with a slight smile. Since we really started to talk WITH AND LISTEN TO one another, we’ve both gotten much better ‘knowing’ the other. I’ve waited for years for this to be part of our lives again.
At the start our relationship, we were pretty much sexually in tune. College students tend to be ‘new found’ sexual beings. But like most marriages over time, life, kids, getting ahead in life, jobs, mortgages, kids … did I say kids? … and whatever else got in the way. There was a time 20 years ago when she wasn’t so into it that I finally would tie her up with my old neckties and make her come. Only then I’d fuck her or shove my cock in her mouth while fucking her with a vibrator. I did it just so I would get something. Getting her off before me was important for me. I really tried to not be a selfish lover.
Funny thing, it did excite her at times. I used it as an opening to try some fantasies – for both of us? But nothing ever became of it and that part of our lives slowly drifted into the past.
There were times in the past 10 years that I got so pissed that I’d just give up if she was not part of our love making. She had a girlfriend that told her that she’d tell her hubby ‘do whatever but don’t expect anything back’. That she’d lay there till it was over and it was OK by her. No way for me. I don’t masturbate in vaginas.
It shocked Debbie the first time I was pumping her and realized that she was just waiting for it to be over. I pulled out, turned over, shut off the light and went to sleep. It took a couple of those before she got the message. I’d rather live in my head, or by my hand, then be tolerated.
I needed to have that interaction, that caring, that human contact when making love. I’ve been missing it for a long time. Sometimes it was there and I guess that it was just enough to have the marriage continue. The ‘Prime Directive’ was the kids. They were more important than us or me. They were launched and now that we were working on this marriage together, we needed to work on this too.