“Did you realize I’m considering getting a divorce?”
“No, hum it a little while and let me see if I recognize it.” He smirked at his lame joke.
“That’s one thing I won’t miss when I leave — your corny jokes.”
“There are a lot of things I won’t miss about you.”
“Oh yeah, I bet I can think of more things I won’t miss than you can.”
“You’re on.”
“You go first since I’ve already said one.”
“I won’t mind not having to share a vanity where you take up 2/3 of the two-sink countertop.”
“I won’t mind not having you fart anytime you want — even when other people are around.”
“I won’t miss you making fun of my penis size in front of your girlfriends.”
“I won’t miss your small penis.”
“I won’t miss your faked orgasms. You’ll never be nominated for an Oscar.”
“I won’t miss that you don’t replace the toilet paper roll when you’re the one to take the last tissues.”
“I won’t mind missing how you use the bathtub curtain rod as a clothesline for your lingerie.”
“I won’t mind watching you clip your toenails sitting on the living room couch and just leave the clippings on the rug.”
“I won’t mind not having to vacuum up your hearing aide batteries. They sound like I’m popping popcorn when they get caught up in the vacuum.”
“I won’t mind no longer finding your buggers on the side of the couch when you pick your nose.”
“That is kind of gross. Sorry. I won’t mind not hearing your latest excuse for not having sex with me.”
“I won’t mind never having to give you a blowjob when you haven’t even cleaned it off first.”
“I won’t mind not getting gassed every morning when you put on a half a bottle of cologne.”
“I won’t mind missing your failed attempt at covering your bald spot with your comb-over hair. Actually, I will miss that. It’s funny.”
“I won’t mind not having to watch chick flicks with you. The moral is always the same. Fooling around on your husband is justified because he takes you for granted.”
“I won’t miss not flirting with men who hit on me. I’m going to start hitting them back.”
“I won’t miss being embarrassed at you at parties when you get a little drunk and grope the men when you dance with them.”
“I won’t miss not having to re-adjust the seat and mirrors when you drive my car.”
“I won’t miss having to take out the garbage.”
“You won’t throw out garbage when you’re on your own?”
“No, but I won’t have to worry about garbage piled so high that it falls onto the floor because you would rather it spill it than for you to tie up the full bag and put in a new one.”
“I have trouble getting the new bag on the trash can.”
“No responses allowed to our ‘I won’t miss’ statements.”
“Okay. Whose turn is it?”
“Yours.”
“I won’t miss having to find the little white pills you drop when you take your medicine on the bathroom’s white tile floor.”
“I won’t miss your snoring.”
“I won’t miss you spending a week to take your clean laundry upstairs.”
“I won’t miss you leaving stuff you get out of the refrigerator on the kitchen counter like it will remember not to spoil while waiting for you to put it back in the fridge.”
“I won’t miss watching cobwebs growing on the clean dishes before you decide you have time to put them away.”
“I won’t mind missing how you tailgate people while driving. It’s like you want to get up inside their tail pipe.”
“Timeout.”
“Good idea.”
“Really? You have something good to say about me! I’m shocked.”
“Sweetheart, I have lots of good things to say about you. How else could I have tolerated all the crap you dump on me?”
“I guess we proved that we have put up with a lot from one another.”
“Yes. Do you really want to start over with someone who may be less tolerant of your flaws or have even worse flaws than I have?”
“Divorce doesn’t seem that desirable when you think of it that way.”
“I still love you very much. If you really want to divorce me, I won’t fight you. You deserve happiness as you approach retirement.”
“Thanks. You want to bring your tiny dick upstairs and let me practice fake orgasms?”
AUTHOR’S COMMENT
This was a quickie I enjoyed writing. If you are willing to indulge me, please send me a pet peeve you and/or your spouse have.