“Holy fuck, Ikuno. That hurts.”
“It needs to, Kal. You can’t have everything, sacrifices need to be made. If you continue walking this path, your idyllic version of fatherhood will have to be one of those. There is simply no way to have both.”
Kal stood up from the bed of moss, “I need to think.”
Ikuno tossed his pack at him, “Your other vambrace is in there.”
Without answering Kal turned about and walked towards the doorway Ikuno made. With a wave of his hand, the ball of light in the middle of the room followed him.
Ikuno made a new light source for her and Gerda as she called after him, “The path should be clear but stop when you see an orange glow, the ledge where you cross the lava is tiny.”
Without turning around Kal nodded his understanding and walked into the passageway.
Gerda watched him go, “You hurt him,” she said turning to look down at the large blue woman, the golem didn’t expect the sight before her.
The oni had her legs drawn up with her arms wrapped around them hugging them to her chest, tears poured freely down the sides of her face.
She looked up at the golem, a look of utter terror in her eyes, “Gerda, I just told him to choose between us and fatherhood.” Ikuno took a deep shuddering breath, “What if he chooses to be a father?”
——
Kal’s heart hurt, it was the only way he could think of to describe how he felt. Ikuno was right, and at the moment he hated her for it, there was no way he could be a father the way he wanted to and still be a Runesmith.
Even though it was before he could remember, his own father’s death wounded him deeply. He wasn’t envious of children in town who still had theirs or anything, but he would sit and wonder what they might be doing right then if his father had still been alive or what teachings he would he have passed on to his son.
Fatherhood was such an important thing for him growing up. In his teens he would daydream about having sons and daughters running around on the farm. Teaching his sons how to work the land and grow food for their family, running off his daughter’s suitors much the way Gran had run off his own father. Seeing his children getting married and his sons striking out on their own path and the pride that went with all those things. How could he give that up? Kal wondered. Ikuno had used the word ‘sacrifice,’ and the old midwife’s words came back to him, ‘make it worth it,’ she’d said. Was the sacrifice of his idea of what kind of a father he should be really worth it?
Kal had taken his bracer out of his pack and put it on without even thinking, leaving the pack sitting near the cavern entrance. The young mage ran his fingers over the runes. If he continued down this road, eventually they would be in his skin not on a piece of leather he had to wear. Even now they felt like a part of him, like some missing puzzle piece that fell into place. So often nowadays he used them without thinking, healing himself when he slipped, or lifting Gerda and throwing her across the cavern, neither time had he made a conscious decision to use the runes. It was more like they reacted to his will instead of his thoughts.
If he was going to be honest with himself, it wasn’t all about the magic. The thought of losing Ikuno caused an almost physical pain in his chest, one that he had already felt once and never wanted to experience again. He often wished that his duties at the farm could be passed off so he could spend more time with her, not just in bed either. She was such a trove of knowledge and he loved to learn new things from her almost as much as she seemed to like teaching him. Perhaps more importantly, it was that he loved one woman he knew that he could never have a child with and there was never any hope of realizing his dreams of fatherhood with. The thing he wanted most she could never give him, yet when they were together he accepted this without question. Would he accept Gerda the same way if it turned out they were incompatible? He knew already that was a resounding ‘yes’.
Then there was Eludora, still just a seed but his daughter all the same. By Aradelle and Ikuno’s de***********ion it would be some years before he would even get a chance to meet her and even then she would have access to all of the knowledge Aradelle gave her so there would be no ‘growing up’ period. He chuckled quietly as the thought came to him of standing in front of a sapling with a sword in hand and runes flaring brightly as he defended his daughter from some rampaging beast. The image was comical, but he knew if the situation were to ever arise it would quickly become a reality without a second thought. Looking down at his bracers he knew it wouldn’t be much of a fight if he stopped where he was now and gave up, the thought of fighting off a rampaging beast wasn’t nearly as comfortable when the image was him standing there with a pitchfork.
What about Gerda’s sisters’ children if he went that route, or if they timed things wrong with visiting the harpy and he ended up having a daughter there as well. Would he visit them? Of course, he would, same as with Eludora. Would he care about them? Again, the answer was obvious. Would they grow up knowing who their father was and knowing that he cared about them even though he couldn’t be there with them all the time? More importantly, could he be happy with that as his new definition of being a father and do his best to make his occasional visits with his children memorable? He felt he had his answer to Ikuno’s question.
He turned around to go back to the cavern and ran straight into Gerda.
“Ow,” he said rubbing his nose where it ran into her forehead. With her drawing power from the ground, walking into her had been very similar to running into a rock wall. “How long have you been behind me Gerda?”
“A long while. Ikuno sleeps. Thought I’d tell you, in case you don’t want to wake her. She was very upset. Crying.”
Kal glanced down at her feet wondering how on earth she had managed to be so quiet but more important was Ikuno, “Why was she crying?”
“Thought you might choose father over her. Idea hurt her badly. Here” Gerda placed a rocky hand over her heart.
Kal started back towards the cavern, Gerda’s footsteps thudding along beside her “Foolish woman, as if I could let her go. She was right though, I’ve had to change what my definition of being a father is going forward. Giving up such old dreams was hard, but I think Ikuno and Aradelle and you are worth it.”
“Ikuno’s worth it, you love her. You don’t love me, and I don’t love you, though I know I’m yours now. Only known each other days, so no love yet.”
“‘Yet’ is the key word there, give it time.”
——
“Hello, beautiful,” said Kal as Ikuno opened her eyes, “I have some bad news,” her face just started to cloud up when he said, “You’re stuck with me.”
“You ass!” she yelled sitting up.
“That was pretty mean of me, but you were being a complete bitch earlier so I’m calling it even.”
“So, you got everything figured out?” she asked
“Yes.”
“This means you’re giving up on fatherhood?”