Tory’s eyes positively glowed, and it wasn’t just the booze. She was obviously invested in this, but I was hesitant.
“Besides, I talked to mom again after you did. I know you promised her you’d take care of me. This is what I need from you, Johnny. Please?”
Fuck, she knew just how to trigger all my weaknesses.
“Tory, it kinda sounds like a date,” I offered lamely.
“So, what? I’m not good enough for you, either?”
“Don’t-”
“Don’t what? Don’t count on you when I’m hurting? Don’t hope my big brother can help me get through this damn day? And what about you, Johnny? After three years with Cheryl, are you really so eager to be alone on V-Day?”
I wondered if she’d practiced this conversation, thought of potential arguments I’d raise, and planned her retorts. Either way, I was feeling like I’d be kind of a shitty brother if I didn’t agree. Drunk as I was, alarm bells were still ringing loudly in my brain.
I’d known for years that I had thoughts and feelings about my sister that no good brother should. I was concerned about protecting Tory from them, yes, but I was more concerned with protecting myself from being found out. Did that make me selfish? I knew it did. I cared about my sister, separate from the sexual and romantic feelings. I wouldn’t hurt Tory for the world, and I had promised to take care of her.
“OK,” I sighed. “Let’s do it.”
I don’t know which of us was more surprised when I agreed. Tory squealed with joy and jumped onto my lap, straddling me and kissing my face all over. “It’s gonna be amazing!” she assured me. “And I’ll handle it all. You just pick the movie you want, buy me a little present and be here. We’re gonna have SO much fun!”
“I’m sure we will, but,” I said, sliding my sister off my lap (glad my whiskey dick hadn’t allowed a physical reaction), “it’s really late, and we still need to clean up the kitchen.”
Tory sighed. “Hey, can I make an observation, Johnny?”
“Sure, I guess so.”
“Sometimes… well, a lot of the time, really… you come across as pretty uptight about things that aren’t really important. You’re an awesome guy, you really are – but what’s wrong with holding off on washing the dishes until tomorrow? You don’t even have to do them; I’m gonna take care of it.”
I sighed. “I know you’re right, T. I know I can be as rigid as a stubborn old man sometimes; I’m just used to doing things a certain way. I wish I could be more like you. You’re usually so free and light.” I shook my head and laughed. “Shit. Here, I’m supposed to be the one helping you figure out life.”
“Hey, Johnny,” Tory said seriously, putting her hands on my hips and looking up at me, “don’t you think for one second that you’renot helping me. As I went through this day, I got to thinking about the whole Jackson situation. You know what? You were right. Hedidn’t deserve me. If I’m being honest, I kinda knew from the start he wasn’t really serious about me. He never treated me well, really. He wasn’t abusive or anything, but I was never a priority to him.
“You know how I came to that realization? It’s because of you! Especially this last day or so, I’ve realized you’ve always shown me how I should expect a man to treat me! You’re so patient, supportive, and loving. I’m still hurting, but I’m starting to realize the hurt might not last too long. And do you know how thrilled I am that maybe, just maybe, I can make you realize how amazing you are, too?” Tory laid her head on my chest. “I know you said things with Cheryl are cool, but any woman who would pick a job over you is a foolish cunt! Please don’t be pissed, Johnny. It needed to be said!”
When Tory looked up at me again, she saw the single tear that was running down my cheek. I was feeling what? Sadness? Was that it? Yeah, I think it was.
“Hey, Johnny? Are you ok?” Tory’s hands slid up my body. She wiped away the tear with her thumb, then laced her hands around my neck and pulled my head down to hers. “What’s wrong, baby?”
I shook my head. “Don’t… know. Just… suddenly… feeling… overwhelmed.” I began to actually cry – what the hell? I don’t cry.
“Hey, hey, shhh,” my baby sister pulled my head gently to her shoulder, petting the hair on the back of my head. “It’s ok. It’s ok. You’re ok.”
I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and began sobbing. It felt like years of unexpressed emotion was rising like a tide within me, a wave of feeling threatening to crash down over me.
“There, baby,” my little sister cooed to me as she held me, “let it out… there you go.” My shoulders wracked as I sobbed, my thoughts a jumble through the alcoholic fog into which I’d driven myself. Eventually, my sobs trailed off, my tears drying as I clung desperately to my little sister.
“Oh god,” I said, feeling deeply embarrassed. “I’m so sorry, Tory. I’m just drunk and… and I don’t know what. I have no idea where that came from.”
“Really?” she asked, turning my face to hers. “I think I do.”
“Tell me,” I implored.
“I think maybe you’re not as ok with the Cheryl thing as you think you are.”
I wanted to deny it. I really did. But the ring of truth in my sister’s words hit my core.
“She left me, Tory. When it came down to it, she didn’t want me.”
“No, baby, she didn’t. Did I mention she’s a foolish cunt?”
I did that half-laugh, half-sob thing. “Yeah, you did.”
“Well, it bears repeating. You deserve better.”
Tears were threatening again. What the fuck was with that? I don’t cry! Well, except for tonight, apparently.
“I hope.”
“I know.”
I searched Tory’s beautiful blue eyes, hoping to see something to reassure me she was being honest. Her hand caressed my cheek, her face showing a mixture of compassion and something else… I wasn’t sure what.
And then our lips met. We stood in my living room, holding each other gently and pressing our mouths together. My lips glided across my sister’s, and I ran the tip of my tongue over her upper lip, just in the center. Oh! I felt a tremor run through my body. I felt Tory tremble in my arms as I caught her lower lip between mine, gently tugging as my tongue danced softly over her lip. My tongue pressed its way into her mouth. I probed her warmth, feeling her tongue against mine. The sensuality was breaking through the feelings of loss and sadness that engulfed me. I clutched my sister tighter, pulling our bodies closer together. This felt healing to me. This, here, now. It felt good to have my tongue in my baby sister’s mouth…
A gasp escaped me and I had a moment of clarity.
“Fuck! Tory! I’m sorry! I’m so, so sorry!” I tried to step back, but my sister held me firmly.
“Don’t you say that! Don’t you dare fucking say you’re sorry!” she said intensely.
“I don’t know what came over… I didn’t mean to…”
My baby sister shook me by the arms. “Johnny, stop it right now!”
“Sweetie, I swear. I’ll stop. I won’t do it again. It’s no excuse, I know, but I… I wasn’t thinking…I had a lot to drink-”
Tory slapped me hard across the face. Twice.
“Fuck you, Johnny! Fuck you!”
My sister ran to my bathroom. I followed, staggering, feeling a desperate need to apologize for taking advantage of her. I heard the door lock before I got to it. I knocked. “Tory, I feel awful. Can we talk?”