I thought for a second, “I guess I’m hoping that if I get everything off my chest it could help me move on. Maybe knowing that she really understands what she did to me I can feel better about us not being together anymore. I’m tired of being stuck in life, I want something to change.” I shook my head and sighed deeply.
Samantha had an unusual look on her face. “That’s an interesting choice of words. So it still bothers you that you aren’t with her anymore?”
“Well yes. You and I have talked about this some. I really felt my marriage was the best. I thought we were lucky how we got along and how much we loved each other. I know you tell me that it’s just a matter of time for me to find that again, but I doubt that. Maybe I will someday. I have two kids to raise and I don’t have the time to find someone. I don’t trust anyone other than my kids and my parents. Even if I get past that I don’t envision finding another woman I think is my soulmate. I just don’t. Not anytime soon that’s for sure.” I sat there feeling the sadness of the past months covering over me.
She looked out into the garden for a moment. “What’s your biggest fear of having this conversation next week?”
“That seeing Linda in the state she’s in will make me even more angry about what she did to herself and what others like Dee did to our lives.”
The ensuing week went pretty quick and it was finally the day of the session. I dropped the kids off at Linda’s parent’s house for the day. Her mom pulled me aside and said, “I know how hurt and angry you are. Just please be gentle when you speak. Linda is different now. I don’t just mean that she’s very sorry for what she did. I mean that she has changed a lot. You’ll see. Just be as compassionate as you can.”
As I drove to the hospital I thought about how I would answer questions in as neutral a way as possible. I wanted to convey the hurt I endured but to strip away the anger I felt. I wanted her to understand what I went through and why, but I didn’t want to inflict pain on her just to make her pay for what she put me through. Surprisingly I wasn’t looking for retribution or revenge, I was looking for closure. It sounded like Linda was already suffering enough.
After getting signed in Dr. Webb gave me some basic instructions. We would be sitting in an area that was like a small living room with couches so we were comfortable. He said Linda would already be there if I wanted to say hello. I asked him if there were any restrictions on ‘small talk’ before we got started. He said no but if he felt it was going in a direction that wasn’t healthy, he would intervene.
When I first saw Linda I was shocked. She looked at least ten years older. She had lines on her face that she never had before, and her hair was completely gray. She was thin, almost unhealthy looking, and seemed to slouch over and not sit up straight. Her eyes were empty and didn’t sparkle like they used to. Her expression was blank and without emotion. She almost looked like a person who was ‘gone’, like a body absent a person inside.
I went over to her and sat next to her and said hello. She perked up a little and said hello back. “Jim you look good. You lost some weight. Are you eating ok?”
I shook my head, “I, um, I’ve been busy and don’t eat so good some days.” I continued, “You look good too.”
“I appreciate that you’re trying to be nice but you and I know that’s not true. I, I’m not as active as I should be and need to maybe get some exercise. I’m thinking about doing that soon in the future.”
She looked down with a sad look on her face. “Are you seeing anyone? She asked next.
I wasn’t sure this was where I wanted the conversation to go but shook my head. “I don’t really have the time and I’m really not interested in having a relationship now with anyone. I, I think I’ll just stay alone for a while and then maybe sometime in the future who knows.”
At that point Dr. Webb asked me to sit so we could get started. For some reason I felt it would be best to sit near to Linda and not on the other side of the room. I was interested in seeing her body language and watching her expression. I asked Linda, “Is it ok if I sit here sort of near you?” She nodded and seemed happy that I didn’t move far from her. I took a deep breath and hoped I’d get through the rest of the day without becoming an emotional wreck.
Dr. Webb began. “Jim, can you tell me about your marriage? How would you describe it up to say the day before the trip to the club?”
I began, “I always felt we had a beautiful relationship. Even though we had been married ten years we felt very much in love. I enjoyed spending as much time with Linda as possible. We always were able to show each other a lot affection and sometimes people joked that we were like horny high schoolers.”
As I spoke I looked at Dr. Webb. I did that since Samantha had heard this stuff before and I wasn’t sure if I should look at Linda. At some point I did look at her for a second and there were tears running down her face. It made me sad that she threw this all away. A marriage that I think most people would kill to protect. When I got done Dr. Webb said, “So is it fair to say that you felt your marriage was more or less perfect?” I nodded.
Then the next question, “Tell me about the day you went to the club up to the point where Mr. LaValliere came to your table?”
I felt myself get a little more emotional with a mix of sadness and anger. “Well, we were talking about going to our room early so we could be together alone. Linda appeared to be very much in love with me and very interested in us being alone. This night was to be special for us. We talked a lot about this that day and the days right before.”
He interjected, “So the two of you had spoken about how this night was to be special for your relationship and the two of you together?” I nodded feeling myself choking up. I tried to start talking but and my voice broke up. This was starting to get really difficult.
I was finally able to get, “Yes,” out of my mouth. After a pause and me getting my composure I added, “In fact the one husband with the group asked Linda to dance and she told him no that the night was just for her and I and.” I stopped unable to finish my sentence.
The doctor not satisfied with my response for some reason filled in, “Linda told this other person in the group that she was only going to dance with you this particular night because it was a special night for you and her?” I nodded emphatically.
The doctor kept going, “So at the moment Linda got up to dance with Mr. LaValliere. How did you feel?”
I started to shake my head side to side, “Like I didn’t matter anymore.” The doctor let there be some silence as I tried to regain my composure. I could hear Linda crying but I didn’t look at her. I tried to continue, “I felt like in an instant I went from the love of her life to just some guy. I felt abandoned.” There was a pause and the only sound was Linda.
“Linda. You’ve heard what Jim has said up to this point. I wanted to ask you specifically about this moment of that night. Do you understand how Jim felt at that moment?”