Then you came along and I got to experience Hell all over again.”
Xavier swallowed the lump in his throat. Right now, Helena was more vulnerable than ever in her life, but being with her, speaking to her with the air around them so thick with emotion, he felt his own strength fade. The layers of darkness around his black soul were being pealed away, as if he had ripped open his chest and exposed his beating heart to the frigid rain, daring fate to spear him through.
“That’s why you’re so afraid of the future. This place was the whole world to you when you were a child, so you associate the whole world with this place. Rome was your ticket to happiness, now you’re afraid to leave because you think some new horror will assail you if you try to leave. That was the real reason why you wanted to join the Swiss Guard. The church had saved you when you were a child, so you thought you would always be safe if you stayed at the Pope’s side. You didn’t want to protect the church; you wanted the church to protect you.”
Helena balled her hands into fists and her slender shoulders trembled as she cried. “All I ever wanted was to be strong. All I ever wanted was the assurance that I would never again be a victim. Maybe I should thank you for showing me how weak I really am, for showing me what a pathetic life I’ve lived! I thought I had grown up from being that scared little girl crying under her bed, but all these years, I’ve just been lying to myself.”
“No, you’re wrong. Helena, you are stronger than you could ever imagine. Do you think a weakling could have survived what you went through? Could have fended off all the horrors closing in around her and made her escape? Seizing her own life and living it? Do you think a weakling could fight criminals and even wound the Antichrist? Every time you cursed me or swore that you would never side with me, your strength was weakened by your contradicting emotions, but do you remember that night, the night we sparred? There was no fear in you; there was no hatred or even love. For that brief hour, you unleashed all the power pent up inside you and became a goddess, not because of what you felt for me, but because that was who you are.
You learned to fight because you were afraid of ever going back to that nightmare, because you feared change and the unknown future. But the future I showed you, that was not some wish I had. That was your true self. That was the confident and elegant queen who conquered the world instead of fearing it. It’s not weakness holding you back, but fear. If you never want to be a victim again, seize the world instead of hiding from it. I saw that strength the moment I met you, the strength to change the world. That’s why I wanted you to be my queen, because you are the first person I ever met who I knew could fit that role. You are beautiful, you are strong, and you are magnificent. I know it, even if you don’t.”
She stared up into the cloudy night sky, feeling the rain pelt her face. ‘Is that true? Am I really as strong as he says? All this time, have I been holding back simply because I’ve been afraid? Can I really change the world? Can I really… stop being afraid?’
“I’m sorry.”
She spun around, a wild look to her eye. Had he… just apologized? He had never apologized before, even after Daphne attacked her. The look on his face was of true regret, an expression she never thought she would see on him.
“If I had known what you’ve been through, I never would have tormented you like I have. My methods… would have been different. I wasn’t trying to truly hurt you or remind you of your past. It was just my way of getting you to open up. I’m sorry… for everything.”
She tackled him, unable to knock him off his feet but beating his chest wildly with her fists. “Shut up! Don’t you dare apologize! You think that saying you’re sorry will make it all ok?! You think a few pretty words can make up for everything you’ve done to me?! Don’t you do this to me! Don’t you dare do this to me!”
She leaned against him, sobbing uncontrollably.
“Helena…”
“Don’t you dare apologize. Don’t try to be nice to me, I hate when you’re nice to me. Please, anything but that. Humiliate me, rape someone, kill people, anything! Be cruel! Be evil! Just please don’t be nice to me!” She looked up at him, pressed to his chest with her heart overflowing with emotions. “Please don’t make it so hard for me to hate you! I want to hate you so much, just like I used to, but every time you make me smile, every time you make me laugh, all the bad moments disappear. I don’t know what to do!”
Xavier embraced her, holding her tightly with their faces inches apart. “Helena, stop thinking about what you’re supposed to do, stop thinking about what you’re told to do, and stop thinking about what the world has taught you is right and moral. Join me or reject me, I don’t care anymore. I just want you to finally be free. Do what makes you happy and follow your heart and I will help you however I can, even if it means staying out of your life forever. I’ve spent my whole life lying, but these are the truest words I’ll ever say: Helena, I love you.”
They stared deep into each other’s eyes before Helena finally stood up on her tiptoes and kissed Xavier. With their bodies shivering in the rain, they stood like statues, holding each other while their joined lips moved like waves. After all the time Helena had spent seething with anger and drowning in desperation, she never felt like she was on a path so right as she was now. For so long, her hatred and love for Xavier had been entwined so tightly in her heart that she couldn’t tell them apart, but by casting everything else aside, she could at last feel her honest feelings overflowing from within her. For the first time, she was opening her heart and indulging her true desires, no longer caring about what she had been taught to believe. At last, she was free.
Xavier was in a similar state, experiencing something that never interested him, but now realizing it was the strongest need in his soul. All the women he had been with, all of the cruel and sinful things he had done to them, but it was this simple kiss that was shaking him down to his very core. This was not some conquest or achievement. This was fulfillment, something that almost made him forget his dark origins and made him feel like a simple human. Like her, he was finally ready to change. Like her, he was finally able to accept the future, as long as they were together.
The kiss at last ended and he wiped away her tears. “Come on, let’s get you home and out of the rain.”
Helena and Xavier materialized in her dorm room. Nearby, Sophie was sound asleep, completely untouched and with a pure mind. Clutching his arm, Helena appeared almost drugged, her mind fried from the maelstrom of emotions she had just experienced. As gentle as could be, Xavier undressed her and tossed aside her wet clothes. She didn’t move at all or react to his touch. Once she was down to just her bra and panties, he laid her out on the bed with her back to him and put the blanket over her. Leaning down, he kissed her shoulder and got up to leave.