“Well, Joel, I’ll give you my number, but as a woman who knows her way around a house, I can tell that there is female activity in your house, so if you have a girlfriend, which you obviously do, well, just go ahead and put my number in the “acquaintance” side of your contact list.”
Oh, wait, is that a thing on my phone too? Is there such an “acquaintance side” of the contact list feature?
“And by the way Joel, while your coffee was brewing, I snooped around your kitchen drawers and I found your little cheat sheet that describes how you like your women to make your coffee in the mornings! Ugh, MEN!”
“And that cheat sheet was in my bedroom dresser drawer, so go on, Mrs. Kanter.”
“No way Joel, I’m wearing Saturday morning power outage emergency panties, so forget it!”
Um, is that about the same as saying it’s laundry day?
“Anyways Joel, I know that you’re all exhausted and stuff and I appreciate the return of the lawn chairs and all, so I’m just going to go back into your kitchen and you know, wipe off your kitchen counter tops. I mean, you just sit here and finish your coffee like a man, alright?”
I know I have said many times, but am I living the life or what? I love kicking back and taking it all in, right?
“OMFG, MEN! That’s girl code from our playbook that it might be nice if you get off your ass and follow me and give me a proper power outage emergency Saturday morning fuck because I already removed my laundry day granny panties and put them your trash! Fucking men! Oh, and by the way, just leave well enough alone and don’t search through your trash. LOL, once I looked at myself in your bedroom mirror, well, those panties were a terrible choice, even for a totally excusable power outage emergency Saturday morning. I mean, yikes, right?”
“Oh, ah, let’s see, right? How does it go? Oh yeah, OMG Women! In the beginning we were making wedding plans for your daughter and I and boom, now the wedding is called off because the future mother-in-law hasn’t had sex for a while! Did I get that right, Mrs. Kant?”
Hey, I never said that they give away both gender code books for free, right? I mean, I stole one from an old girlfriend because they refused me at the give-away table, but I still a copy of the girl code book just the same.
“Well, I just removed my granny panties for you, so call me Kelly. Besides, if we have an affair before you officially meet my daughter, that’s legit, right? And for another besides, as a woman who has an eye for things around a house, I know your girlfriend has dumped you. There isn’t anything in your closet, dresser, back room, living room, kitchen or basement that tells me a woman lives here now, I mean, I may have glanced around while our coffees were brewing and I think you’re single enough to bang me like a crazy man on a power outage emergency Saturday morning. Am I right or wrong, Joel? And by the way, yes Joel, as a man, you’re correct as usual, it’s been a while for me, so I’m willing to serve it up, with a smile, of course.”
Hmmm, smart women who know their way around a house and are not afraid to go for it after so long without it, logic, right? Women rule, by the way.
“Joel before we go, ugh, if you like your women cleanly shaven down there, well, I’m going to ask you to ignore that for today. I just haven’t had much need to care for myself down there since I kicked my lousy no-good cheating faggot husband to the curb for trying to get pregnant from some twinkle toe faggot named Butch. But I promise to clean things up if you invite me back for maybe an “after the power outage emergency” lunch or something. And by the last way, OMG Joel, there is simply no such thing as a “relationship” bed! There is a “bed” and there is a “martial” bed, but nothing in between!”
That’s MILF code for “I’m too old to be on my hands and knees on the floor” or something, right?
“But Mrs. Kant, I mean Kelly, my ex-girlfriend used to call it our “relationship” bed all the time.”
“MEN! Don’t tell me, was she batting her eyes while she was convincing you to stay sexually true to her? Was she packing sexy lingerie in her work bag as she begged you to remain faithful to her? Didn’t you ever wonder why the condom box always seemed empty, even though she rarely joined you in your “relationship” bed, yet she never seemed overly horny because her needs were well taken care of? OMG, you bought her a ring and she sold it, didn’t she? Stupid men! It’s all right there on page one of the playbook, fool.”
Damn, she didn’t to say all that, right? I mean, yes to all of that, but still, right? Well, I’ll show her about MEN, alright! I mean, I’m missile man Joel, right? And you know what, come to think of it, I guess I never anyone other than my fake fiancé Staff Nurse Chicklet say anything about a “relationship” bed, so maybe Mrs. Kelly Kanter was right. There is no such thing as a relationship bed, end of story.
“Ooh, this bed is nice, Joel. Momma likes. Ooh, momma likes naked Joel too! Um, like I said, it’s been a while for me, but I used to be pretty good at sucking cock, I mean, in case you’re a missile man and you launch a little early and all. I mean, should I suck the first one out of you?”
And yup, momma was still was good at that and yup, momma just might be my new woman.
“Wow, that was quick, but hey, you got size baby, so it’s all good. So, ah, I feel a little funny having left my shirt on and it seems fitting that I should be as naked as you while we share our relationship bed, so which one of us is removing my blouse? Also, is your missile seriously reloading this quickly? Ah, is that normal? And by that, I mean as long as your quick recovery time isn’t a medical condition, then don’t go the hospital about it because I don’t need some gold-digging young chicklet nurse trying to move into our sacred relationship bed. By my last way before you take me proper, ooh, la, la, MEN. Momma Kelly like men again.”
LOL, like I could attract any such gold-digging young chicklet nurse at the hospital, right? I mean, hey, wait, what?
“Oops, I mean, ooh, la, la Joel doesn’t waste time! Ooh, yeah, plunge it Joel, push it in deep baby. And it’s OK that you didn’t put a condom on, I’m safe baby, I’m safe today. So, ooh, keep pumping me baby while I ask one more thing of you, OK? Or I don’t need to tell you what to do, stud. Damn, wow, it should never be a while for any woman, damn that’s deep baby, anyways, all I’m asking is that we keep our brief affair here at your house, Joel, ooh, shoot, ah, since I kicked the lousy no-good faggot cheating husband to the curb, ooh, I love you Joel, ah, since I’ve been single again, I moved an old friend in with me and Millie is a bit of a prude, so let’s keep things here in our relationship bed, OK Joel? Or just keep trying to saw in half baby. Anyways, there would be friction in house if Millie Matthews ever caught me sucking you off from under the kitchen table because I wanted extra heavy cream for my morning coffee and OMG, Joel, how are not married???? Haven’t you shared your missile with any other women? Wow, anyways again, ah, ugh, ugh, ugh, Millie will things tough around house, not to mention that she might squeal to my daughter and ruin your wedding plans, so Joel, ooh, ooh, OMG, do we have a deal, Joel? Our quick affair is here? I promise our relationship bed will never go silent. Oh geez, Joel, who invented that move?”