I was a little stunned by all this, did Katie have a submissive side to her sexuality that I had no clue about?
“Then there was the risk aspect, Katie in her sessions divulged that she did very much enjoy talking risks with you to have sex when you were both living in dorm accommodation. She explained that it was something she learned to crave, that she would purposefully pick spots to engage in sex with you that carried even higher risks of getting caught.”
“When you both moved into apartments, she said you did not want to take those risks anymore, and that she tried to coerce you to continue but could tell you did not enjoy it like she had, so she stopped. When Jake turned up at the club, apart from her desire to submit to him for her own pleasure, she also got the thrill back of taking a risk, the risk of being caught.”
“So maybe now you can see why Katie would have difficulty explaining why she was cheating on you, there was no single reason but a combination that she herself did not fully understand at the time. Once she was able to get her sexual gratification, she was left craving more. Not all the time but occasionally, and it was something you were not able to provide her. In fact part of it relied on that you were not the one providing her that.”
“Now I will remind you that Katie was adamant that this in no way meant that she enjoyed sex with you any less. She said that sex with you was terrific, it was with the man she loved, that she craved having sex with you far more than she craved for her encounters with Jake.”
“But the fact she sometimes wanted those encounters with Jake and could not stop wanting them is a big part of her depression. She felt guilty every time she did it, but even more so she hated herself for wanting or needing it, for not being strong enough to stop it knowing how much it would and then did hurt you.”
I sat there quiet, then I slowly rubbed my face. After all this time I am only now just getting to understand why all this shit happened, why she cheated on me.
“So, her complaining to her friends about Jake being better than me, dick sizes and orgasms, are you saying that she was just getting frustrated because she wasn’t just missing the sex with Jake, but the mindfuck she had with him, and the risk taking she had with me?”
“Well, that is one way of summarizing it, but yes. I think you have stated it quite well.”
Again, I looked out of the window, thinking about how it took so long to get to this point. If Katie had been able to explain this when we were together maybe things could have gone way differently.
“Okay Greg, we need to get back on to resolving your outstanding feelings about all this. These feelings will not resolve themselves just because you now have a better idea of what caused this to begin with, we still need to work our way through alright?”
I looked back at Dr Forsyth and nodded, ready to continue.
“Greg, in describing how you felt about why Katie cheated on you, the words you have used included hurt, betrayed, lack of self-confidence, inadequate, emasculated, low self-esteem, pathetic, ridiculed, mocked, belittled, little respect, and disappointed sexually. Would you agree with those and are there any other words you want to add to describe how you felt about why Katie cheated on you?”
“No nothing further. I could add a large range of emotional words to express my response at the time to why Katie cheated, but I’m not sure how that would help right now. Words like anger, fury, slut, whore, just to name a few.”
“No they won’t, your emotional responses are completely natural though. We all respond with those type of emotions in response to being hurt, they can help us to cope with it in the moment. However, what rehashing those emotions won’t do is help you to move forward.”
“Tell me Greg, the words describing how you felt about why Katie cheated on you, do you still feel that way now, three years later?”
“My confidence and self-esteem are no longer in the gutter, the two relationships I’ve had since greatly helped to restore those.”
“The feeling of being sexually inadequate I guess is all relative. To most men I would not, to guys with trunks for a penis perhaps so. But it’s not like a can grow a bigger penis so you just have to shrug that one off.”
“As for being mocked, belittled and so on with her friends. That doesn’t bother me anymore, The two friends in question are no longer Katie’s friends anyway and I don’t really care what they think.”
“The feelings that are still there however, that I still think about, is the lack of respect Katie showed me, it’s her betrayal and the breaking of the trust between us which ties back to the lack of respect. But also, that I felt that she thought of me as being sexually pathetic or at least inferior, not that she admitted that to me. They are the two main ones.”
“Well done Greg, today has not been easy for you I’m sure, but we have made some terrific progress. Today was all about laying the details of your breakup with your feelings on the table, and then identifying what was actually important for you.”
“The next session is to work on those two issues identified to understand if they can be addressed by yourself, or if they require Katie’s involvement.”
“I want to book another session for you later this week, will you be able to attend another so soon? I think you will only need the one more session.”
“Yes, my hours at work can be flexible so I should be able to rearrange accordingly.”
“Please take this note with you to reception and see what they can do for you. Well, until later this week Greg.”
“Thanks Ana.”
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That evening I got home from work when Katie called.
“Hi Greg, just wanted to know how your first session went with Ana?”
“It went okay Katie, I’m not sure we’re meant to be discussing it just yet though, I have another session on Thursday.”
“Oh, I didn’t want any of the details, just wanted to know that you were okay.”
“Yeah, I am. It is tough confronting all this stuff though. And that was only one session, I’m hoping you’re okay after five of them.”
“Yeah it’s been hard. But good, I’ve learned a few things about myself during these sessions.”
“Has it been different to the sessions you had before, the two shrinks you went to see about your depression?”
“Oh yeah for sure. They kind of ignored my relationship with you because break-ups happen, get over it you know. They focused on my feeling of despair without really going back to why I felt that way. I think they thought that my emotions from our break-up would go away over time. They gave me medications to take and sent me on my way.”
“This time we are going into the reasons for my depression. And I am having to confront them step by step.”
“And that has taken five sessions, that’s a lot of reasons?”
“We probably could have got it all done in maybe three sessions if I’m being honest. I spent a lot of time avoiding the truth with Ana, not wanting to admit things about myself or with you. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I got there in the end though.”