Shanda’s Awakening: Part 3, Final Chapter
The weekend came and Shanda along with Grayson boarded a plane to Miami to attend the private swingers event. Shanda had grappled with herself to the point of mental flagellation but in the end her flesh and curiosity won out. Grayson was patient with her, soothing her fears and answering her incessant questions. He promised her that he didn’t have any expectations of either of them doing anything if she didn’t feel comfortable.
Shanda trusted Grayson. His patience and his presence never failed to make her feel treasured and at ease. Shanda had never realized until now how much she needed to feel safe and how long it had been since she’d felt that way. Having that sense of safety with Grayson changed everything. She no longer felt that she needed to have all the answers or that she needed to shoulder every burden on her own. That realization hadn’t come easily. In fact, it had come as the result of their first major argument.
A week prior, Shanda had been driving to Grayson’s house in the pouring rain. She had just reached the outskirts of the city when her wipers stopped working. The rain was coming down in sheets and there was no way she could keep driving without risking life and limb. She pulled over and called roadside assistance but the rain and an 8 car pile up had caused major delays in assistance response time. Shanda sat in her car to wait. About 40 minutes into her wait Grayson texted her asking what she wanted for dinner. She told him to choose without her because she was stranded waiting for help. The message had barely been sent before he called asking that she send her location. Even in the pouring rain, Grayson reached her before roadside assistance did.
“You really didn’t have to come. I could have waited,” Shanda said.
“Really?” Grayson asked with tight lips.
“Yes, it isn’t a big deal. I didn’t need you to make an unnecessary trip out in this terrible weather. I really would have been fine.”
“Could you stop talking please?” Grayson asked, obviously annoyed.
Shanda sat quietly until roadside towed her car. Grayson drove them to his home in uncomfortable silence. “If you’re not going to talk to me then you could just take me home,” Shanda said.
“I don’t want you at home. I want you here with me.”
“Then tell me what’s wrong. Why are you angry with me?”
“Is this all I am to you? Someone you just fuck?” Grayson asked angrily.
“No, of course not. You know that’s not true.”
“That’s how it feels when you need something or you need help and you don’t say anything. You can trust me with your body, but not with other aspects of your life. Shanda, you matter to me dammit! I get that you’re independent. I know you can handle it, but if you’re in trouble or stranded you don’t sit and wait alone for roadside assistance!”
“I’m sorry. I’m just used to doing everything by myself. Even in my marriage it was easier to do things myself rather than depend on Chad and chance being disappointed,” Shanda explained sullenly.
“Baby, what happened with Chad?” Grayson asked. He had run into this wall with her hype-independence before. Shanda had a completely automatic denial of her need for help even knowing that acceptance of it would make her life easier.
“We were married for 11 years. Around the 7 or 8 year mark he started hanging out more with his friends. In hindsight I can see that he was depressed. We had dreams and goals going into our marriage. Somewhere along the way, Chad hit a wall. I didn’t. At the time, I didn’t think it was a competition but secretly I believe he felt that he was a failure by comparison. Chad eventually dropped out of college and started occasionally getting high. Before long he was always high. He couldn’t keep a job and after a while he didn’t even pretend to try.”
“By that time I was working two jobs and going to school for my Masters. I had stopped putting money in our joint checking account because he would take it for drugs, so I started hiding the money in odd places in the house. I remember it being the beginning of the month so the rent was due. I was already a little behind but the landlord knew about Chad so he cut me a little slack. Well one day I went to my stash and the money was gone. I screamed and cursed at Chad but that didn’t do any good. So, I talked to the landlord but he didn’t have any more sympathy to spare so he gave me an eviction notice.”
“Almost around the same time I noticed I was losing weight, feeling nauseous every day, and eating cornstarch like it was the best thing since sliced bread. I was pregnant, broke, and about to be evicted with two small children. Chad was too fucking high to be concerned,” Shanda said with bitterness. “So I called my best friend Renata to borrow $500 that I knew she really couldn’t afford to give me but she did.”
“So you were able to pay the rent?”
“I’m getting to that. After Renata dropped off the money, I called my mother in law and asked me if I could bring the kids over the following week for a visit. She said yes. So I had the kids pack a bag and went to visit Chad’s mom, Marguerite. The minute she looked at me she sent the kids in the yard to play. She knew I was pregnant. I don’t know how she knew but she did. I broke down and told her everything. She took me with her to the bank. She gave me three thousand dollars and said, “You’re a grown woman and Chad is still a boy. You do whatever you feel you need to do.”
“What happened after that?” Grayson asked but he already felt like he knew the answer.
“I took the money. I gave Renanta her money back because God knows she couldn’t afford it any more than I could, and I had an abortion. I never told Chad. I tried to stay married. I tried to push him to get help. I tried to honor the vows I took but my heart wasn’t in it,” Shanda said quietly. “I resented him with every fiber of my being. I resented him because he had the luxury of being oblivious to everything I had done just for us to survive. I resented that I had shielded everyone from his addiction and in the aftermath I was seen as the villain. But more than anything I resented that I couldn’t even think about the baby I carried as a miracle. I had to think of my baby as a burden, as a thing that I needed to be rid of. I could have forgiven him for everything else but not that.”
Shanda took a breath and continued with her story. “I moved out a couple of months later while he was out on a binge. It took him four days to even realize we were gone. From that point on I vowed that I would put myself or my children in a position to be dependent on anyone else again. I didn’t care how hard I had to work or what I had to sacrifice to keep that vow, ” Shanda said with steel in her voice.