“I suppose I can at least talk to them,” I begrudgingly acknowledged. “At least hear their side of it, clear it up. Maybe they’re serious. It’s just so sudden, and I’m having trouble buying it.”
“I’ll give you that,” Lotte soothed. “But to be honest I think only someone who didn’t know you well or know of you would have approached you like this. A lot of the guys are kind of scared to ask you out, Jane. You don’t take shit from them, and word got around about it.”
Something I had going for me, at least. People had finally stopped openly tormenting me, and I knew it was because I had incidents over the last three years. People who pushed me too far over the edge, prompting an explosive reaction. I never went off on anyone who didn’t deserve it, but God help the jackass who did push me too far. There was that film class last year, and that bus incident. There was ninth grade science class and that one guy who left me alone, finally, after I showed him the post-mortuary photograph of Mary Jane Kelly, the most mutilated victim of notorious serial killer Jack the Ripper.
To this day I still had no idea why the library had that one available for check out, but it sure had been an effective weapon that day.
Asshole wanted to show me how shitty he was on the inside, especially after he’d stolen and destroyed something precious of mine? I showed him a little of the crazy in me.
“You’re right there, Lotte,” I said quietly in return. “I don’t take shit anymore. I just wanted to be liked, and took the abuse for years. Now I don’t, and apparently, people like me for it. Gee, isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?”
She and I remained chatting together quietly for the rest of that study hall, and parted for sixth period when the bell rang. I headed off to gym class, hitting the locker room to get changed into my baggy, non-descript tee and soft pants with sneakers. I threw my hair in a tail and marched out to the gym. Didn’t know anyone in this class, and was only passingly friendly with anyone for the purpose of participation only.
Everyone was lining up, waiting to get started, and today I felt slightly unnerved walking to my spot. Something felt… different. Looking around, it took me a minute of scanning before I realized.
The big guy. He was here. Had to have been here all along, and I never knew, because I hadn’t taken any time to notice who was in this class. Immediately I wanted to beeline to the exit, not quite ready to face him or his friends. I did not know what was true in all the rumors, but I did gain some information right then and there. Once I entered the gym and he took notice, he took notice. Unfolding from a bent, impatient posture, he stood to his full height. I saw exactly how big the dude actually was for the first time- towering above everyone in the class, including the instructor. His hair was short but not buzzed, some dirty blond fringe falling over his brow. His arms looked muscular, but he was barrel-chested and thick in the torso, wearing a snug-fitting tee shirt and long, comfortable shorts that looked like cutoff sweats(?).
I gulped. My body… reacted, and I stood there rooted. Unable to shake some innate inevitability. He took a step, then another, and soon was on his way toward me. My legs trembled, knees like jelly, but I could not retreat. It was like he’d hypnotized me and was approaching to lay…
My panties flooded and I dropped my eyes seconds before he stood looming over me, totally unaware of what had just happened. I felt my nipples tingle and then tighten, which only embarrassed me further, and I unthinkingly reached up to cover them with one arm. Then I was just standing there like a dorky virgin cupping my own boob, hiding them both from sight.
“Jane,” his deep throaty voice quietly boomed over me. “What an absolute pleasure to see you here. To think, you were under my nose the whole damn time.” His lip curled, and his smile lit up with this hunger. I don’t think he even realized it, but it fried my brain to the stem. “I’m Calvin. Mickey’s friend. You can call me Cal.” He stuck out his hand. Calvin, huh? That’s funny, considering how much I love Calvin & Hobbes.
In a trance- fixed on his size, his raw magnetism, and his smile– I lifted my hand slowly, eventually placing my palm in his like it wasn’t even part of my body.
“Um. Hi.” What the hell did I even say here? I was shivering, could feel myself shivering. “I hope your friend isn’t too upset with me,” I wound up muttering, fidgeting where I stood, shaking his hand for way too long and unable to look him in the face. Must act somewhat normal. “Just… it’s… guys don’t ask me out.” It came out in a breathy rush.
“Because you’re a freak?” He queried gently, hinting that it’s not how he saw me. I flushed red again.
“Um. Yeah. I am a freak. I’ve always been a freak. Total social outcast since elementary school, so I’m a little gun-shy.”
“I get it, Jane,” he told me seriously, clutching my hand and squeezing it instead of dropping it. I couldn’t help looking up, and he cupped my cheek. Trying to… make me feel better? Soothe me? It twisted me further into knots. “You know that most people are at least a little scared of me, don’t you?” I gaped.
“No… no, I had no idea,” I said, feeling sympathy creep up on me.
“It’s because I’m huge, I’m strong, and I block people out. Like you.” The words hit and staggered me.
“I block people out?” But I knew that. It was just shocking to hear it so bluntly phrased, and Cal actually knocked my guard back a little. “I do, don’t I? I tried to block M out immediately this morning. I- I try to nudge people away from me in our grade.”
“You don’t trust them,” he nodded. “Look, I don’t know exactly what happened to you, but my bros and I have seen all this before. Randy- that’s our short guy little bro- and I have both been subjected to a lot of shit. We’re from a different district and middle school, so we didn’t know the history this morning. We just liked your outfit, and M really is a sucker for a girl who reads.”
Well, he earned a chuckle from me.
“Then I guess that’s a valid reason for being attracted to me,” I shyly told him, smiling despite myself. “No one reads like I do.”
“You don’t fear me, do you, Jane?” He asked, bringing me back to awe.
“No… why?” Genuinely confused. Why would I fear him? Just because he was big?
“But you looked terrified of M this morning,” he tacked on, ignoring my question. I raised an eyebrow. Bit of an agenda maybe?
“I wasn’t terrified of him, per se, I was terrified of the social consequences of interacting with him. Like I’d immediately get all the backlash of being seen with someone so laughably out of my league.” Cal gripped his chin, studying me as I spoke, and he seemed really to be processing my answer. It didn’t make me want him any less, and I actually was afraid to let him know how much I did- in fact- want him. As though I were a feral animal. Something about him just struck a chord.
“Ah, that makes perfect sense. You’re so far outside social acceptance- as you see it- that being with M or taking us up on our interest is a losing game to you.”