“Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the umpteenth annual Kappa Kappa Gamma Fuck Valentine’s Day party!”
“Umpteenth?” asked one of the guys Faith hadn’t met yet.
“Yeah, we don’t know just how far back it goes,” Lindsay said. “Probably the sixties. My grandmother would know, but I’m not about to ask her what she got up to when she was here!” She paused for a round of laughter, and continued when it died down. “I trust everyone knows the rules, but just to reiterate, consent still applies, understood? Sorry, guys, but if the lovely lady you get matched with says no, it’s hands-off.”
“Not that we expect that,” added Nancy. “Guys, I think we’ve got a lot of horny gals on our hands tonight!” That brought on a round of hoots that would have disgusted Faith before tonight, but she had to admit she was a horny gal tonight.
“Right, then,” said Lindsay, picking up one of the trays of conversation hearts that she had just retrieved from the kitchen. “Guys, line up in front of me, gals with Nancy. Seniors first for both.” At the other end of the table, Nancy had the other tray at the ready. “And all of you, remember, don’t read your hearts out loud until everyone has drawn one!”
Though Lindsay hadn’t said the underclassmen and women had to stand in order as well, for the most part they did. Faith willingly took up her place near the end of the women’s line with the other first-years. Equal parts nervous and exhilarated, she forced herself not to look at the guys’ line and try to guess which one she’d be matched with. But she couldn’t resist one glance, and giggled as she made eye contact with Ben, who she could tell was feeling just about exactly like she was.
Barry was first among the men, naturally. “You’re a gorgeous sorting hat, Lindsay,” he teased.
Lindsay’s laughter was genuine and joyous as she watched Barry take her heart. Having settled that bit of business, she made a point of looking in all the guys’ eyes rather than at the tray as they took their hearts.
And so she was unaware for the time being that Will, Jody, Dan and the other designated prize guys took random hearts, not the ones they’d been assigned.
At the other end of the table, Nancy did keep an eye on the tray in case any of the seniors forgot the right heart to take. None did, so none of the women was aware of anything going off script. Faith was fourth from last, and chose the only remaining green heart. “My favorite color,” she explained as she picked it off the nearly-empty tray.
“Glad there was one left for you, then,” Nancy said, wishing she had some way of knowing which of the guys got the match. She was starting to feel guilty about keeping the poor thing in the dark, and hoped Faith didn’t get paired up with one of the real losers. Then again, she didn’t want that for any of her sisters, and a few of them were bound to get stuck.
Faith turned the heart over and read the tiny print. “All mine.” She liked the sound of that, but that didn’t matter. Now she let herself survey the guys lined up on the other side of the room, and wondered which of them had an “All mine” in his hand. A few of them were comparing theirs; but under Nancy’s watchful eye, no one tried to trade.
Once everyone was lined up, Nancy clapped her hands to draw their attention. She did not want to risk any of the guys or the underclass women noticing that there was one man too many, so she wanted all eyes on her. “All right, everyone, it’s the moment of truth!” she said in her best cheerleader voice. “Lindsay first, of course. What does your heart say?”
Lindsay stepped into the middle of the room and opened her palm, doing her best to look like she didn’t already know what it said. “It says…’Guess who’,” she announced.
Most of the guys didn’t even try to hide their disappointment, nor did Barry hide his delight as he held up his own “Guess who” heart. Everyone else clapped as Barry and Lindsay embraced and then retreated to an out-of-the-way corner of the living room.
“God, what were the chances?” Heather said in her usual sarcastic tone.
Faith said nothing, but for once she agreed with Heather. All at once she could see too well, there was nothing random about the draw. It was just a matter which of the least-desirable guys she would get stuck with! If she was lucky, maybe Lindsay thought Ben was ugly and she’d get him at least.
“Congratulations, both of you,” Nancy said. “I’m next.” She held up her pink heart between her thumb and forefinger and said the magic words. “Sweet talk.”
Faith wasn’t sure whether to be disappointed or relieved when Ben raised his hand. “I sure hope I can sweet talk you!” he said as he stepped into the middle of the room and into Nancy’s arms. Surely Nancy, who could have had anyone except Barry, wouldn’t have chosen Ben! Maybe it was random after all?
“I’m sure you’ll do just fine!” Nancy said while everyone else applauded, and they joined Barry and Lindsay in the corner.
Mary Beth was next. “All right,” she said, forcing herself not to look at Will, “Which of you gorgeous guys is going to, ahem, ‘Be mine’?”
“I’m yours, Mary Beth!” announced Mike, holding up his matching heart.
Mary Beth managed to hide her disappointment — Mike certainly wasn’t a bad catch, after all — and he was none the wiser as they hugged and spun around. Lindsay, out of the spotlight for once, had no need to be diplomatic. “It’s wrong!” she hissed in Nancy’s ear. “She was supposed to get Will!” Then she turned to Barry. “Didn’t you tell the guys which hearts to pick?”
“I guess Will got it wrong,” Barry whispered back.
For the moment, Lindsay believed him, though she wondered about the odds that Mike, who was supposed to get Joan’s heart, had also picked the wrong one.
But the next pairing left no doubt that there was a bigger problem. Poor Joan’s “Wink wink” heart matched to Jeff, who Lindsay had hoped would end up with Faith. Joan gave Jeff a pleasant smile and even let him hug her, but she gave Lindsay a dirty look as she rubbed Jeff’s back. When they retreated to the corner, Joan steered him as far from Lindsay as she could position herself.
The remaining women who’d been aware of the fix now knew something was very wrong, but there was nothing anyone could say without spilling the beans. Connie lucked out and got Jody with her “Play time” heart, though she was supposed to get Dan. Alice, the last of the seniors, whose “Crazy 4 U” heart was supposed to match with Jody, instead got Andy, one of the trio Lindsay had most feared getting stuck with. His two buddies hooted and high-fived him before he met Alice in the middle of the room, where she took both his hands for a squeeze but wouldn’t let him hug her.
One of Andy’s horrible friends was still in the mix when Faith’s turn came (Emily had drawn the other one, and was forcing a smile on the sidelines while he grinned like a hyena), but on the bright side, so were Dan and James. Rounding out the quintet were quiet Lenny and probably-gay Scott. Faith had noticed several turns ago that they were one woman short, and she had little doubt that the guys had noticed as well. That had her more disgusted than ever with Lindsay — there was no way that was a mistake! — but she couldn’t help but be relieved with what it meant for her chances.