Well, you don’t need to remind me that my life has been like a run away train all summer. I mean, I know as well as anyone that sexing my way through all of the MILFs in Middleton, the local book club members and all the back and forth with my newly promoted fake fiancé Staff Nurse Chicklet isn’t the best way to behave, so I’m committing to all of you that I’m going to do some soul searching and at a minimum, a minimum I say, come to a firm decision today. And what better way to do such deep soul searching than to enjoy a cup of coffee on the front porch on a power outage emergency Saturday morning?
I mean, I can stare into the skies above and search my soul or I can watch how all the neighbors are checking out the damage to their property and search my soul, right? And believe me because I know all of you believe anyways, I searched my soul and I came up with a very important decision that I planned on implementing immediately to better my crazy life.
I mean, hell no, I’m not giving up on the sex, but as a starter, I absolutely committed to figuring out just who the rightful owners were of the lawn chairs that ended up in my backyard from the storms! I mean, baby steps, right? And to prove my commitment towards a better life, I put the lawn chairs near the front curb just in case the rightful owners were driving or walking around and looking for them. I mean, that’s commitment towards a better life in anyone’s book, right? And please note, I stayed right with them on the front porch with my coffee to protect them, just like my fake fiancé Staff Nurse Chicklet forces me to protect our relationship bed, which if you remember correctly, she does the same when she’s at home or on the job at the hospital.
Ooh, ooh, look at that, will you? My life is becoming chuck full with commitments! That’s adult stuff, right?
“Wow, I never thought I would see these lawn chairs again after those storms. Um, these are my lawn chairs and I can prove it if you don’t believe me young man. Ah, Kelly, Kelly Kant by the way and I live kitty corner behind you on Cedarwood, so they must have been blown over the fence by the strong winds. Also, I have a single daughter about your age and she can prove her age, which is about the same as yours, young man.”
“LOL, I believe you about owning the lawn chairs and I believe you about having a daughter about my age, but I’m sorry, I’m going to have to call you about your daughter being single if she looks anything like you.”
“Ooh, why thank you, I think, but stop looking at me! This is my power outage emergency hair and I’m not exactly presentable. Anyways, people say that my daughter and I look a lot alike, you know, on normal days when I don’t have power outage emergency hair or casual cotton shorts on or with a power outage emergency Saturday morning bandana head wrap on, so stop looking at me, ah???”
“Joel, your kitty corner neighbor, Joel. Listen, just let me finish my coffee and I’ll gently toss your lawn chairs back over the fence.”
“Hmmm, is that code that I should sit with you for a few minutes on your porch bench on such a lovely power outage emergency Saturday morning so we can get acquainted as kitty corner neighbors, Joel?”
“Well, I didn’t write the playbook and they hand copies out for free, so, you know, right?”
“Men! You’re all the same. However, ah, is there a chance that I might have a cup of coffee too? I mean, I headed out pretty early this morning looking for my lawn furniture and I’m about one cup shy.”
For the record because you all know by now that I insist on having the record clearly stated, her hair wasn’t that bad, I mean for power outage emergency Saturday morning hair and all. And by the way, whoever invented those female sleeveless shirts with the tie tails across the stomach, well, thank you.
Also, ah, code # 32 clearly states that when a man hands off an empty coffee cup, well, that clearly means “well, while you’re at it”, right. I mean, for the record, it clearly states that!
“And I say it again, MEN, you’re all the same! Do this for me and do that for me and oh, by the way, always make sure that your hair is perfect! Do you at least have a coffee machine?”
“Best available on the market, Mrs. Kant. You know your way around a house, right? I mean, I’m a man and I’m exhausted and all from the recent storms. I mean, I picked up like eight branches and all.”
“Ugh, men! Should I take my socks off too, Joel?”
“Well, you’re wearing power outage emergency Saturday morning sandals already, so you are kind of barefoot, right Mrs. Kant?”
“OMFG, MEN! Fine, but only because I need to pee and all from leaving my house so long ago. I mean, I’m a woman who knows my way around a house, so finding your bathroom should be a breeze, right Joel?
Alright, for the record, ah, were we flirting and she likes to scream a little while she flirts back or should I have crawled under the front porch to hide? The record and the playbook are a little fuzzy about this.
“Well, Mrs. Kant, look at it this way, we got our first fight out of the way, so there is no where to go but up, right? Hmmm, double-double bold, one and one for me, please.”
“Ugh, men!”
Now I hear the phrase from time to time, but I don’t know the exact definition of “daddy issues”, but it’s safe to say that Mrs. Kant has issues with men, am I right?
“Ah, hello? Readers? Hi, it’s Kelly Kant and I don’t mean to break into Joel’s story, but fucking men, am I right? It’s always, do this and do that and bend over farther when you hook up the game console, right? Fucking MEN! They’re all the same. Anyways, Kelly out because you know, I’m barefoot in a stranger’s kitchen brewing his fucking double-double bold coffee! Fucking men! He’s lucky that he is cute, I mean he’s lucky that I have a single daughter about his age.”
Ahh, this is the life, isn’t it? Kicking back on my front porch, watching the neighbors mill about and enjoying my morning coffee. I could do this all day.
“Here you go Master Joel, one freshly brewed double-double bold with one and one, served with a smile and please forgive me for not wearing a super short power outage emergency Saturday morning maid uniform on. I wasn’t expecting any of this and by the way, your house is in better shape than I expected, so good job with that, not that I snooped around while our coffees were brewing.”
“Thanks for the perfect coffee, Mrs. Kant, and by the way, did we just make up from our first fight?”
“Men! But let’s put a pin in that make up thing for a moment. Um, Joel were you outside of the bathroom door listening to me pee? That’s kind of personal and something that seems like invitation only, by the way.”
Whoa, what? That’s crazy, right? Also, is that a thing? I don’t remember anyone saying anything about that on Chang, so help me out, is that a thing?
“No, Mrs. Kant, that’s, ah, that is very personal, so no. I just walked past the bathroom to grab my phone from my bedroom and you probably noticed that. I mean, I’m getting your phone number this morning, right?”