He smiled and waved me to go on.
“I just can’t get him out of my head. This… this has never happened to me. I’m like an idiot teenager with a crush.”
“I see,” he replied with the same slight smile.
“What?”
“You tell me.”
I scoffed and gave Frank the finger, to which he laughed. His disarming nature weakened my resolve to keep it all in, and it all came out.
“He is cute, smart, nice, and a decent fuck. I can’t stop thinking about him. Like all the time, Frank. What the hell is wrong with me?”
“Is that why you were trying to fuck my brains out?” he chuckled. “To fuck your mind clear of him? This Paul guy?”
“It didn’t work, Frank. I mean, can you get Karen out of your head?”
“Touché,” he replied, raising an eyebrow with a nod. “So. You’re in love. Aren’t you?”
***
I tried not to think about it that night. That was and still is uncharacteristic of me. I think about everything. Yet no matter how I tried, my mind kept going back to Paul.
As Frank slept, I quietly got up and dressed. Leaving a thank-you note on Frank’s coffee maker, I made my exit and headed home. My flat was not far from Frank’s, but I thought a walk would clear my head. Fat chance at that. My thoughts were a jumble of conflicting emotions. Yes, I wanted Paul in my life. But what did that mean? Was I really in love? Was I in love with him? Or had my heart been empty for so long that I was letting anyone in? Was Paul “just anyone?”
Needing the advice of a friend to sort all this out, I ran back to Frank’s place and woke him up. He reluctantly put on his shorts and made coffee as I told him all my concerns.
“Paula, unlike my situation where I am in love with someone I can not have, you have options.”
“I think that’s what’s scaring me, Frank,” I replied as we waited for the coffee to brew. “I’m drawn to him, and I’m afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“Frank, I don’t know what my feelings for Paul mean. I don’t know why I feel this way for this guy. Yeah, he is handsome. But I know plenty of guys that are. Sure he is nice to me. More so than most men, I guess.”
Frank poured us coffee silently as he let me talk. Ever the quintessential psychologist, he knew how to lead me to conclusions about myself without saying much.
“I feel comfortable with Paul,” I continued. “Unlike the boys around campus and men who see me as just another fuck, he talks to me and asks me what I think about things. It’s not just the flowers he got me or the poem he wrote me, although that made me gush.”
“A poem! Really?”
“I know, right?” I replied in disbelief.
“When I first met you, that would have made you barf,” Frank said, taking a sip from his mug.
“Frank, he makes me feel special.”
“In just two weeks?”
“I can’t explain it, Frank, but yes.”
“So why the hesitation and consternation?”
“Because… because I know where this is headed. Saying the L-word is a big thing.”
“It’s not just about saying it, Paula,” Frank replied. “Love is not just any word. Many things come with it: commitment, dedication, loyalty, and devotion. And also family. Sharing one’s life with another. Having children.”
I said nothing as the enormity of all Frank said hit me.
“Children? I’m not even thinking marriage. Don’t scare me, Frank.”
“You have trained yourself to think of what you want, what is essential for you. Just for you. But your subconscious and the basic instincts have been triggered, Paula.”
“What does that mean? Why is this happening?”
“Because life is not just about you anymore. It’s about you and Paul. That young man has sparked something deep within you. And you,” he smiled, “you are powerless to resist.”
“I can’t believe this.”
“Believe it. What? You thought that coming here would make Paul go away? All you got was a good fucking. That has nothing to do with basic emotions and the connection you and that young man have established.”
“Frank, I never thought I would feel that for anyone. I never thought that I would meet someone that would permeate my soul as he does. I mean in just two weeks! Who does that? This is going too fast.”
“Then take time. Talk to Paul. See what he thinks. But… I think you need to tell him how you feel.”
“What if I scare him? What if he runs off back to his preppy bitch of a girlfriend?”
Frank laughed but still looked at me with an empathetic gaze.
“The sooner you know that he doesn’t feel the same way, the better. It will hurt at first, but you are strong and will come out the other side stronger. What’s the saying? It’s better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all?”
I nodded, trying to process it all, but looking back at that moment, I think it was too late. I was already in love with Paul, and nothing could change that.
“One more thing, Paula,” Frank said. “A relationship with someone you love can get in the way of your lifestyle. I know you have dreams of one day being in a marriage similar to the one your two neighbors from home have. But people like them are far and few in between. And both spouses need to be into that lifestyle. Both have to want it. A deep relationship with Paul may test that need you have.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said as I got up to leave.
***
I left Frank’s place but did not go back to mine. Instead, I walked to Paul’s flat that he shared with another guy from his fraternity. Mustering the courage to walk to the door, I rang the doorbell. Scared that he would have the butterfly in his bed, I had to force myself to endure the long seconds it took for one of the guys to open the door. And when it opened, it was Paul.
“Hi Paula,” he said, surprised, looking as he had just gotten out of bed. “Is something wrong?”
“I know it’s early in the morning, but I need to talk to you,” I replied pensively.
“Let me get dressed,” he said, stepping aside. “Come in.”
I stood nervously in their small living-room/kitchen area, but Paul waved for me to follow him. I know I was being nosey, but I jealously looked for signs of HER in his room. Evil bamby who wanted Paul — my Paul. Oh, God! I was being possessive and jealous. What had I become?
“I’m glad you came, Paula,” he said. “I was going to come to find you today.”
“You were?” I asked nervously. “I thought you were with….”
He shook his head as he took off his t-shirt, making me stare at his abs. Then he took a clean one and put it on.
“No. I was here last night,” he said as he smelled his armpits, then smiled apologetically, reaching for a stick of deodorant.
I think he wanted to say something more, but I did not give him the opportunity. Without thinking, I found myself running to hug him. Paul let me then hugged me back.
“I like your smell,” I said honestly.
Call it chemistry, or whatever you want it to be, but Paul’s taste, scent, and touch made me feel right… comfortable. Something I had not felt with anyone before. Before I could think or speak, Paul reached down and kissed me. My heart skipped a beat as I kissed him back, not wanting the moment to end.
Neither of us said anything as we tore each other’s clothes off and came together. I think we were both afraid of what we might say and possibly spoil the moment. Ort maybe we were both trying to hold on to those few last moments of me before there was an us.