“I don’t want to see your fucking face!” she screamed. “Leave me alone, damnit!”
“OK,” I said, completely understanding, even with the booze in my system, that my actions had seriously damaged my baby sister. “OK, Tory, I will. Just please don’t leave tonight. I swear I’ll leave you alone. I’ll sleep on the couch. You can lock yourself into the bedroom. Just please don’t drive tonight!”
I heard my sister sobbing. What had I done?
I lay on the couch in the same clothes I had worn all night, no pillow, no blanket. My mind raced. Eventually, I heard the water run in the bathroom. Shortly after, I heard a door open, then a door close and lock.
Good, I thought. She’s making herself safe.
Before I passed out, I wondered what hell would be waiting for me when I awoke.
February 12
When I woke just before noon, I wasn’t sure what hurt more, the throbbing headache from the previous night’s overindulgence or the deep guilt I felt the moment I remembered why I was on the couch.
Determined to face whatever shitstorm I’d caused like a man, I went to see if Tory was awake. I hoped with all my heart I hadn’t chased her off. She had been in no condition to drive last night.
I found my sister at the kitchen table, both hands wrapped around a cup of tea. She looked almost as rough as I felt.
“Tory-”
She didn’t even look up at me. “Shut up right now. You don’t say one fucking word until I tell you to. Nod if you understand me.” She stared daggers at me.
Shocked into silence by the venom in my sister’s voice, I nodded.
“Good. Now sit your ass down.”
I complied silently.
“I made coffee. Want some?”
I almost said yes please, but remembered to nod instead.
Tory got up and poured me a mug of steaming relief. She brought it to me and set it down before returning to her seat.
“Drink.”
I sipped at the dark roast for a couple of minutes, aware even through my hangover that my sister made a helluva cup of joe.
“Are you as hungover as I am?”
I nodded slowly.
Tory walked down the hall and returned with some extra-strength pain reliever. “Take these,” she ordered. I swallowed them with a sip of coffee.
“Not a fucking word,” she repeated. I nodded.
“Last night,” she began. “You think you forced yourself on me?” I nodded again, my eyes on the table.
“Well, you didn’t.” I looked up in surprise. Tory waited, maybe expecting me to speak, but I was determined to do right by her.
“Let me tell you my version of what happened last night. You’re going to hear about my night as if you’re a third party, understand?” I nodded.
“First off, until the very end, I had a wonderful time.” I felt tears threatening again. “I had a lovely dinner with a charming man who treated me like a queen.
“He shared with me one of his great passions, and through that, I got to know him even better than I already did. I’ve always loved this man, but last night I felt closer to him than ever before. I came to understand how the poetry of music touches him. It was like I saw straight into his soul, and you know what? I loved it.
“That man agreed to help me through a very tough time on a day that, I think, is more important to me than it is to him. He showed me I matter to him. After that, we talked, really talked, about how we’re both feeling wounded. You know what I learned about him last night?”
I shook my head no.
“I learned how this amazing man needs to be loved. I think he already knew, even better than I did, how I need to be loved. Then, in a tender, loving moment, we kissed.
“Doesn’t sound like too bad a night, does it? You can speak, but your first words better answer that fucking question.”
“No, it doesn’t sound bad, Tory. But-”
Damn, my sister had a threatening glare.
“-but I kissed you when you-”
“No,” my sister said through gritted teeth. “You didn’t kiss me. I. kissed. you. Johnny.” My sister stared at me defiantly, daring me to say something stupid.
“You… what do you mean?”
“I mean I kissed you first. Johnny, I felt drawn to you, and I wanted to feel even closer. I wasn’t sure if you’d want it, but in that moment, it felt perfectly natural to me, so I kissed you. And when you kissed me back, oh my god!” Tory shook her head. “Yeah, big brother. I kissed you first. And it was beautiful for me.”
Realization dawned too late. “And then I made you feel rejected.”
“Not just rejected, Johnny. Heartbroken. Really heartbroken.” Tory had her jaw clenched, but the tears pooling in her eyes told me everything I needed to know. “You made me so happy last night, and then you took it away!
“And you know what? That’s not the worst of what kept me up all night. I finally figured out that you thought you’d pushed yourself on me, and you saw yourself as a horrible person, right?”
I was back to nodding. I couldn’t trust my voice.
“But it wasn’t you. It was me. I started it. I wanted to kiss you, and I did. So it’s me who’s the horrible one in your eyes, and that breaks my heart all over again!” Her tears ran freely, and Tory sat, her shoulders hitching as she silently sobbed.
This was a moment that was beyond words. I moved around to my sister and knelt beside her chair. I wrapped my arms around her as best I could, and pulled her close to me. Tory stiffened in my arms, then with one loud sob, she fell forward against me. That helped me find my voice.
“Of course you’re not a horrible person, Tory. You could never be any less than perfect in my eyes. You are a truly amazing, incredible person, and I’m so lucky to have you in my life.” Tory’s shoulders continued hitching as she cried against me, tears of sorrow, of anger, and of frustration. I understood at last.
“Let me make sure you know something. If you’re telling me I shouldn’t feel guilty about last night, that I wasn’t a monster to you, then I don’t regret it happening one bit.” When Tory raised her head to look at me, I saw in her eyes the little girl she had once been. She was vulnerable because of her love for me; just as I was vulnerable to her.
“I’m really afraid to say something stupid and ruin this moment,” I confessed. My baby sister laughed and tried to smile. She wiped her eyes, then stood up and gave me her hand. “Let’s go talk on the couch,” she suggested. I gladly went hand-in-hand with my sister to the living room. We sat, half-turned to each other, our four hands clasped.
“Where do we even start?” Tory asked.
“Not with apologies, right?”
“I don’t think any are needed,” my wise sibling replied.
“Maybe… maybe we start with how we feel about what happ-… about what we did?” I asked. “Mind if I ask you to go first?” Tory shook her head no and took a deep breath.
“I’m glad we kissed, Johnny. Last night, you weren’t just a brother to me. You weren’t even trying to, and you showed me everything I want in a man. I reacted to you as a woman, not as your little sister. I’m glad we kissed, and I’ll tell you something else: if it ever again felt that right, that natural, I’d be glad to do it again – assuming you wouldn’t freak out!”
We both had a quick laugh at that.
“Now,” Tory said slowly, “your turn. Be honest.”
“Well, I loved kissing you, Tory. I really did. I’m just not sure I think-“