“Damnit, Johnny. Fuck thinking! Fuck being sure! Forget logic. You’re not doing your fucking taxes here, Johnny. Leave your big, dumb brain out of it for two fucking minutes! What do youfeel?”
I took a deep breath. What Tory was asking of me was the hardest thing in the world for me to do. I swallowed and said, “It was the most intimate, erotic, wonderful thing I’ve ever felt. I was blown away by the passion I felt for you, and it scared the shit out of me!”
Tory smiled and sat back. “There. Now, was that so hard?” Her eyes danced, and I knew she was aware just how hard that was for me.
“Yes, it fucking was! OK? I’m not good at the emotional stuff, Tory.”
“Yes, you are, Johnny. You’re considerate and caring without even trying. But you try to deny your emotions because vulnerability makes you very uncomfortable.”
“Right.”
“Well, am I worth the risk?” she asked.
Now I was feeling cautious. “What do you mean exactly?”
My baby sister rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Do you think I’m going anywhere? Do you think I’m going to jet off to California, leaving you behind and alone?”
“No.”
“So, dumbass, in 40 years, I’ll still be your sister, right? Do you want shit to be weird between us for the next 40 years?”
“No, of course not.”
“Then can you please try to trust that I’m not going to take advantage of you when you’re vulnerable?”
“Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I trust you not to take advantage of my feelings for you.”
“Do you think we did anything wrong?”
“Well, don’t be mad. I have to be honest. Should a brother and sister really kiss like that? I mean, part of me wants to kiss you again right now-”
“Well, don’t. It wouldn’t feel right, and last night wasn’t an invitation to make out at any time.”
I nodded in understanding. “Then there’s the other part of me, the part that thinks the villagers are going to come for us tonight with torches and pitchforks!”
“Because of incest?” Tory asked plainly.
“Yeah. Incest.”
“Well, guess what, big brother? Kissing isn’t incest. It’s not sex.”
“Maybe not technically, but you have to admit it’s weird, right?”
“What’s weird, exactly? That two people who love and care for each other kissed?”
“But a brother and sister? And the way we kissed?”
Tory shrugged. “OK, maybe it’s not typical, but do you think you hurt me?”
“You’re telling me I didn’t, so I believe you.”
“Did you intend to hurt me?”
“No, Tory. Never.”
“Did I hurt you in any way?”
“No.”
“Did it feel wrong, kissing me?”
I hesitated, then sighed. “Not in the least.”
“Well, big brother, those are my same answers. So, two adults engaged in a consensual act that didn’t hurt either of them, right?
“Well, yeah.”
“I still love you. Do you still love me?”
“Of course I love you, T. Nothing could ever change that.”
“So, where’s the harm?”
My baby sister had just outwitted me with logic. My mind was blown. “I- I guess there isn’t any.”
“Then stop beating yourself up and give your sister a hug.”
I went to my sister’s arms. We held each other without a word. This, I thought, is normal. This is a brother and sister being close. I was happy that, even after the previous night, my sister and I could still share a simple, normal experience.
Tory put her head to my chest and started humming quietly. Eventually, I realized the tune wasLove My Way. I felt perfectly content, my sister in my arms, knowing she was alright. It felt so right, so magically perfect.
The spell was broken when my stomach growled loudly.
Tory smiled, patted my stomach, and told me to shower while she started breakfast. The hot water was soothing, and after 5 minutes, I felt mostly rinsed clean of any lingering guilt. I dressed quickly and went to the kitchen, where Tory had bacon in the oven and had just poured pancake batter into a skillet. “You take over, Johnny. Flip these in about three minutes, when the edges start to look dry, then cook for two minutes on the other side. Pull them off, put them on the plate and cover them with the towel to keep them warm. Pour more pancakes, and do the same thing. I should be back by then, but if I’m not, just keep them warm. Take out the bacon when the timer goes off. You good?”
“I think so.”
“Good,” she smiled. “I am, too.” Tory stood on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek before heading to her shower, still humming.
Sometimes, it was downright confusing to be a big brother.
Over breakfast, Tory told me she thought it might be good if we spent the day apart. She assured me nothing was wrong but thought we both might need time to process everything.
I told her I understood, and that I was still looking forward to seeing her for Happy Fuck Valentine’s Day. Tory looked at me quizzically. “I’ll be back tonight, bro,” she said, indicating with a move of her head the two small suitcases in the living room. I’d somehow missed them yesterday.
“Ohh, that’s why mom mentioned you staying with me.”
“For a bright guy, you’re not too quick, are you?” my sister grinned. “You don’t have aproblem with me staying here for the weekend, do you brother?”
Even if I did, I didn’t think it wise to tell her so.
I managed to make it through the day alright, but I was preoccupied with thoughts of what was happening between us. I was starting to recognize Tory as her own person, rather than as someone defined by her relationship to me. She wasn’t just my sister, she was a grown woman with her own mind who probably knew herself better than I knew myself.
I spent a lot of time thinking about my breakup with Cheryl, as well. I’d tried so hard to convince myself that I was fine. I now realized that, while I was supposedly giving the break-up respect, I wasn’t doing the same for myself. No matter how much I didn’t want to admit it, Cheryl’s leaving had shaken me. I had cultivated a solitary existence after she moved, just now realizing I had distanced myself from friends, most of whom had been Cheryl’s friends first, anyway. It was no wonder I was emotionally dulled. I didn’t really have anyone to practice being close to.
That afternoon, I went for a long run, pushing myself physically, feeling the need to exhaust myself. I ran outdoors rather than in the gym, something I hadn’t done since Cheryl left. As I ran, I took notice of the beauty of nature around me. When was the last time I’d spent any significant amount of time in the fresh air? I couldn’t remember. Recently, my whole life seemed limited to work and my apartment building. I ran until I collapsed in a heap, off the side of the trail in a wooded area. I lay on my back, gasping, and realized that I felt glad to be alive. It was an amazing feeling, and I couldn’t wait to tell my sister about my day!
Before I pulled out of the parking space, I heard:
PING!OK to come over now?
I’m not home yet. Just let yourself in.
PING! 😘 is what I saw. I smiled.
Before heading home, I had a present to buy, and I had a great idea!
It took four stops, but eventually, I found just what I wanted to give Tory for our celebration.
Arriving home just after five, I found Tory on the couch, legs tucked beneath her, cell phone in hand as she scrolled the screen. She was dressed in yoga pants and an oversized t-shirt, her hair falling in loose waves over her shoulders. She didn’t look up, and I took the moment to observe her. She looked so quintessentially the coed, it would be easy to think that’s all she was. I smiled. Tory was so much more.