I fell asleep still troubled. At work, Kat called and gave me two options for the appointment. I told her the one which worked best with my schedule.
The first few sessions were very difficult to participate in. The counsellor, Sharon, deconstructed both Kat and me. Don’t get me wrong, she’s friendly, warm, engaging but she is focussed on helping people so fires arrows straight to the roots of the problems.
I failed on the first session. Sharon had Kat explain how she felt about our relationship, what was good, just okay, bad and bloody awful. Kat was looking at me all the time, like a deer in headlights. Kat was struggling to get it out, “Great is how Andy did everything he could to make me see how much he loved me. Good would be our social life. Okay, was the times we spent just being together but far too often ignoring the other. Bad was me, I was so fearful of losing him as I sucked at sex. Bloody awful was my stupid fantasy that fucking a large cock would miraculously ignite a sex life I wanted to give Andy.”
Sharon looked at me, “Your view of your marriage?”
I answered, “I’m no longer sure of anything. I loved Kat so much, the anger I have matches if not exceeds that. Before, I thought Kat loved me as much as I loved her so I tried to show her how much I loved her. Our social life was good because of Kat. I’m a lot more shy, nervous around people I don’t know. Nothing was really bad, even our limited sex life, until I caught her preparing herself to fuck another man. Bloody awful doesn’t cover that.”
Sharon asked Kat, “Why do you think your sex life was poor? Has Andy complained?”
Kat shook her head, “Andy never complained as such, hinted a few times. I had a sheltered upbringing. I had one sexual experience before I met Andy. It was as awful as my mother told me it might be. It wasn’t quite “do my duty” but she said, sex is something you enjoy more as you experience it especially with the right person. She was right. The boy wanted me to suck his penis. It wasn’t particularly clean, I gagged but he shoved it in anyway. He wasn’t complementary about my skill. He didn’t take time to prepare me so it was painful. He managed a second erection and did the same again. It was just as bad.
“It left me fearful of intimacy. It was two years before Andy and I started dating. No one had even had a meeting with my bare breasts since that experience.
“Andy’s a fantastic lover. I recall so fondly the first time I felt him caress my naked breasts. I never felt him remove my blouse or my bra but he did. His touch on my breasts was amazing. His whole focus was on my enjoyment. I learned I could have multiple orgasms whether through oral or penetrative sex.
“Whenever I tried to reciprocate, I failed. He’s much larger than my other experience but he’s so gentle, most of the time. I couldn’t manage him in my mouth. I tried a striptease but even that was a disaster. The more I failed, the less I was prepared to do, to challenge myself.
“Ever since my mistake, I’ve gone over our life. I realise that I have changed so much. I wear less revealing clothes even though mine didn’t reveal much to begin with. I changed to functional granny style underwear not the lightly sensual ones I had worn when I met him.
“Andy would suggest something and I would knock him back. Some names I called him when he did, revolted me as they were so nasty.
“I ended up in the girls circle as their apparent sexual freedom seemed so enticing. If only I could be like them, Andy would be able to have what he wanted. It was a stupid fantasy which has destroyed us, even if it’s not official yet.”