“We’re here to…” Jamie began, voice a harsh grating snarl.
“At my office? Angela would have asked if anyone wanted coffee. Or water,” Philip casually interrupted Jamie’s barking monologue.
“You want coffee?” Jamie snarled.
“Why sure. I’d love a cup. Mm, black please. Kurt?” Philip said easily.
“Coffee? You know what? Yeah. Yeah, I’d love a cup of coffee. Two creams, one sugar. Donna? Coffee?” Kurt said.
“Uh, now, now Mr. Schnauder; I told you. All communication to one Donna Schnauder should be addressed to either myself or her attorney,” Philip said, smiling at Jamie’s reddening face.
“Oh. Of course. Silly me,” Kurt said. “Ms. Tismann? Would your client like coffee?”
“Oh, ha ha ha,” Donna shrilled. “This is all just some big fucking joke to you, isn’t it?”
“Do I address you, or her attorney?” Kurt asked Philip.
“Her attorney, I think,” Philip shrugged. “I’m afraid I can’t answer whether you think this is all some big fucking joke or not.”
“Oh, and thanks a lot, having me served at work,” Donna snapped at Kurt. “You have any idea how embarrassing that was?”
“Tell Ms. Tismann to tell her client I had no idea where else to serve her; I don’t know if she’s living with her fuck buddy, or fuck buddies, or her parents, or in a tree house,” Kurt said to Philip.
“My client…” Philip started to say to Ms. Tismann.
“We heard him. This meeting is over,” Jamie shrilled, getting to her feet. “Reschedule with Kelly when you think you two can be serious.”
“I’d like it noted that you are the one calling an end to this meeting,” Philip demanded, all levity gone.
“So noted,” Jamie snarled, storming out of the conference room.
“And you look fucking stupid with that mustache,” Donna spat at Kurt.
When they’d met, Kurt had a thick mustache. Just like the hair on his head, his mustache was blond, threaded with strands of brown and red throughout. Donna had said the mustache itched when they kissed, so after some deliberation, Kurt shaved the thick mustache off.
Now, with Donna out of the house, no longer dictating to him what he should do, Kurt had once again grown the mustache. He had also bought himself a pair of clippers and given himself a buzz cut. Two of the women and one somewhat feminine man on his route had commented on Kurt’s new look.
“Mm, shows off those beautiful brown eyes,” the man at the Pak N’ Go convenience store had simpered.
Now, in the conference room, Kurt smiled at his wife. He turned and looked at Philip. Philip shrugged and Kurt turned and looked at the seething Donna.
“Thanks; yours looks good too,” Kurt smiled at Donna.
“I’m almost tempted to not bill you for this,” Philip laughed as they stood to leave the conference room.
“One question; is Ms. Tismann any good?” Kurt asked as they stepped out into the chilly afternoon sun.
“My wife ever decides to leave me? I’d recommend Jamie to her. Me? I’d get Sam Bloomberg to represent me,” Philip said. “That answer your question?”
“Okay; Donna’s not stupid,” Kurt mused. “Wonder why she went with Jamie Tismann?”
“Jamie charges women half what I or Sam would charge,” Philip supplied then closed the door of his sedan.
“You son of a…” Kurt heard Donna shrill as he shut the door of his own car.
He almost backed over Donna as she marched with great purpose toward his car. He smiled a satisfied little smile as she jumped out of the way of his car.
The second meeting between Kurt and Donna and their attorneys was held in Conference Room C of Norton, Turner, Bloomberg & Waitley. Again, Kurt thought that Jamie Tismann looked comical in her harsh pantsuit. Donna had obviously decided she would show Kurt what he was missing; her breasts were dangerously close to spilling out of her top and her legs were on full display in her short skirt. Her makeup and hair were done to perfection. With a nod, Kurt had to agree, his wife was an attractive woman.
“Ms. Schnauder, Ms. Tismann, coffee? Water? Oh, we also have green tea; it’s decaffeinated,” Angela Garcia politely asked as Jamie and Donna made themselves comfortable.
Philip waited politely for Angela to serve the beverages. The silence dragged on for a few more moments after Angela quietly closed the door of the conference room.
“Well, if we’re finished here,” Philip finally said when Jamie did not say anything.
Forty minutes later, neither side had given an inch. Donna was demanding a seventy-thirty split in her favor, with the house being counted as part of the assets. Philip and Kurt were requesting a simple fifty-fifty split, with no maintenance, the house to be excluded from the list of assets.
A third meeting between the combatants, once again at the law office of Werner, Franklin & Associates resulted in the same outcome. Donna and Jamie were unwilling to budge on their demands. Philip and Kurt were likewise unwilling to budge.
Donna again dressed very provocatively for the meeting. Kurt smiled; Time had put a few more pounds on Donna’s frame; she was no longer the big breasted blonde teenager that had seduced him.
He knew he was being unfair; Donna could not compete with the attractive young women that danced at Hunter’s Cabin. Donna could not compete with their young and very pregnant tenant. Then again, Kurt wondered how he compared with Donna’s lover or lovers.
“You know, the coffee at your office? A whole lot better,” Kurt commented to Philip during a lull in Jamie’s soliloquy.
“Agreed. But you have to remember, we spent a few dollars on a Keurig coffee maker, and we buy the name brand coffee pods,” Philip stated. “Angela? My paralegal? I don’t know where she gets it all from but she’s the one buys everything for the office.”
“Hang on to her,” Kurt advised.
“Oh no kidding,” Philip agreed.
“If you two are finished,” Jamie snapped.
“I’m finished. You finished?” Philip asked Kurt.
“Well, since I pay you by the hour, minimum one hour, yeah, I’m finished,” Kurt agreed.
“Jamie, Ms. Tismann, it looks like, yet again, we’re unable to resolve this matter,” Philip addressed Jamie. “So, I would suggest we meet in front of a judge and let them settle all of this.”
“We’re trying to resolve this so we can just have a judge rubber stamp this,” Jamie barked.
“No. No, you’re really not trying to resolve anything,” Philip sighed. “You’re just hoping we get so tired of this endless charade that we just acquiesce to your unreasonable demands.”
Depending on your case, depending on your client’s demeanor, Judge Seth Grossman was either your favorite judge, or your most feared and despised judge. He was not one to rubber-stamp anything and would ask pertinent questions of each attorney that stood before him.
“Seventy thirty split, and she was the one that committed adultery?” Judge Grossman asked Jamie Tismann.
“The uh, the alleged adultery is a figment of Mr. Schnauder’s imagination,” Jamie said; Donna had assured her that Kurt had no actual proof of the affair.
“The domicile is not in Mr. Schnauder’s name; it is a rental, hmm renting it from one Maisy Schnauder,” Judge Grossman continued reading the filing. “Yet your client is demanding fifty percent, not of the equity, but of the appraised value of the home?”