When I got home, I yelled “I’m back, honey.” I listened for her response as I carried my sack of parts to my workbench. When I didn’t hear her voice, I checked my phone. She was still sleeping.
I gathered the parts that I needed and took them out to the driveway and started working. I spent about an hour on the project and made a pretty good start. Dave would be impressed. I decided to take a break. I grabbed two bottles of tea and headed to the bedroom.
Tammy was laying there in a half-sitting position with several pillows behind her back. Her eyes were closed and she looked peaceful, but I knew at once that something was wrong. I don’t know how I knew; I just did.
There were two notes propped against her bedside lamp. I knew what they were. I reached for the one with my name on it. I could see her tears still damp on the paper. There were only a few words there, but reading them was the most difficult thing I’d ever done. I was constantly wiping tears and it took me an inordinate amount of time to finish reading her words. My tears mingled with hers on that precious piece of paper.
I kissed her cheek and stroked her hair. It was over. The love of my life was gone forever.
Everyone gathered at our house. We all made it through those horrible hours despite the huge hole in every heart.
How do we go on? We do it for each other, we do it for a perfect mom, we do it for a loving daughter/daughter-in-law, we do it for a perfect wife that suffered a brain tumor that led to some irrational behavior that turned her perfection into imperfection.
As soon as I knew about the cancer, I understood why she did those things; but she continued to hate herself. She refused to blame cancer for her actions. She believed that it was the other way around. She thought her betrayal caused her cancer. She said it was her karma.
Her note to David and Gloria was mostly an apology. She apologized for not being able to watch them grow up and do all of the things that mean so much. She mentioned graduating from high school, moving into a college dorm, graduating from college, and going forth to improve the world. She mentioned missing their weddings and not being there when her grandchildren were born. It was a long letter and toward the end, she told them that it was all her fault. She told them that their father would tell them about what happened and about karma when they were old enough to understand it all. She ended by telling them that she would be with them every day and watch over them every night.
I found myself hoping that the kids would forget to ask me about what happened and about karma.
I decided to lock the note that she wrote to me in the drawer of our bedside table. I promised myself that I would read it every night.
In case you’re wondering what she said in her note to me, here it is:
“Allen, honey, I apologize for being a coward. I took the easy way out.
“I made some very bad decisions, did some unforgivable things, and betrayed the best husband in this world. A man who was also the most affectionate, thoughtful, compassionate, and kindhearted person that I’ve ever met. One of the last things I remember telling you was what a good father you have been and will continue to be. I leave our children in your care with complete confidence that they will be cherished with a mammoth amount of love.
“Speaking of the kids, there’s a picture for each of them in my bottom dresser door. There’s also one for you. The picture shows me looking down and smiling. Please hang one at the foot of Gloria’s bed and one at the foot of David’s bed. It will look like I’m watching over them. I promised them that I would do that. I hope you will also hang one at the foot of our bed.
“The last thing I will ask is that you burn this note. It’s just not adequate to the task of thanking you for all the good times. There were so many “firsts” for us, so many glorious days, and so many nights of rapture. Burn this note and move on. Do it for your own sake and the sake of the children. Do it for me.
“This is my last apology: I’m sorry for trashing everything. I didn’t appreciate what I had nearly as much as I should have. I turned my back on you with an undeserved betrayal. I doubt that you can ever forget that, so take any undeserved love that you still have for me and give it to our children. I hope David turns out to be just like you and I hope Gloria turns out to be nothing like me.
“Please do one last thing for me, stop blaming the cancer. The fault is all mine. What happened to us was due to my weakness. It was something I couldn’t resist or cast away.
“I will always cherish this last year together as a family. I realize that you rekindled your love for me during that time and it was a fantastic year for our children. This year changed lots of things, but not everything. You will soon forget our fantastic year and remember how you felt before you found out about my cancer. You must learn to hate me. It will help you deal with the real me. Embrace that hate. It will help you survive. My behavior caused the cancer, not the other way around. It was and still is my karma.”
I must admit that her note had me very confused. What was that message at the end all about? What was she trying to tell me? One other thing that I couldn’t help but notice, she never professed her love for me in her note. There was not even one “I love you” to be found!
After everyone left and it was time to go to bed, I debated whether or not to sleep in the bed that she’d died in just a few hours ago. I chose to sleep in the den, but I decided to clean our bedroom and make the bed. When I was removing the old sheets, I noticed a folded-up newspaper. Even in this digital age, Tammy loved to read the paper and had it delivered to the house every day. It was today’s paper. It was the last one she would ever read. I decided to put it with her note.