“Yeah, hey thanks for everything John, both you and Shani were a big help with preparations for all this.”
“Nonsense, I just organized the drinks and the DJ, Shani is the one that spent a shit load of time with Katie and Skye to do everything else. Woman really love this shit.”
“Yes they do indeed, Katie so much we are doing it twice.”
“Yeah, okay you set? Let’s go.”
As John and I stood waiting at the front of the hall with the marriage celebrant, and with Shani and Skye standing across from us, the doors opened and in walked Katie, being walked down the isle by my father. She was stunning, I’m not sure how I was ever that lucky to be the love of her life, but I was definitely happy that she was the love of mine.
My father let go of her hand as she got to me, and he gave me a smiling nod as he went and took his seat with my mother and with Katie’s mom Beth. Katie was radiant, I could not take my eyes off her.
Once we had each stated our vows to each other, it was time for me to kiss Katie once again as husband and wife. When I looked into her face after our kiss, she had the biggest smile, I’m not sure I’d ever seen Katie look so happy. The rest of the night went off perfectly. I was even able to perform my husbandly duties back in the hotel room that night.
The next week was spent in the Caribbean, laying in the sun, drinking cocktails, dancing and of course fucking. A lot of fucking. Occasionally we would even make love.
We got back to work with a thud, both us straight back into the thick of it. We still found some time for the occasional night out for a meal, the odd Friday night with our friends, or catching a movie on a Saturday night. But for the next two months after we were married we always seemed a bit tired to enjoy our own company as much as we had prior to the wedding.
The only big change for us was that we moved out of the apartment and into a nice two story house, just a suburb away from where Katie’s mom lives. This was the house we had been saving for all along, the one that we would have to raise a family in. It had three bedrooms upstairs with a family room and two bathrooms, one as the main bedroom’s en suite, while downstairs had the kitchen, laundry and dining room, along with another family room we had turned into our gaming room.
In the back of my mind I knew we still needed to have the conversation that we had put on hold some five moths ago now. We had not used the toys, sleeves or the machine in all that time. It was like we were trying to ignore the whole thing, and a part of me was happy about that.
It was a Monday night, I was a little tired from work having walked in the door at almost 8pm. Katie heated up my dinner and apologized for having already eaten hers, not knowing when I was going to be home. After I had my dinner I went for a shower, and by the time I came back out to the lounge room Katie said she was tired. She gave me a kiss and went off to bed.
I started watching some TV but was a little bored with it, I looked down to the coffee table and noticed Katie’s journal, nothing strange about that as she usually leaves it in the lounge room. It had been four or five days since I had last read her journal so I picked it up and found the page from a few days ago and began reading.
Thursday’s entry was the usual thoughts and musings by Katie I had become accustomed to in her journal, but the Friday’s entry caught my attention. Katie had written that she had contacted Dr Forsyth, and asked her if she could meet, possibly for a catch-up session. She was booked in for Monday afternoon, although Katie never explained why she wanted the follow-up session. I read through the weekend entries but found nothing of real interest.
Then I began to read Monday’s entry.
Katie wrote:
Today I went to see Dr Forsyth again, I needed to discuss with her what Greg and I have been avoiding for the last few months. I needed re-assurance that I would be okay about not having to indulge my needs. That where I feared this path would lead us to. Somewhere I did not want to go.
The session did not go as I had planned, and that is under-stating it.
Dr Forsyth got me to explain my fears, and to talk about what that meant and how it would affect Greg and our relationship. I explained that the options we had chosen were not working, that I was not getting from them what I used to with Jake. That I would rather deny myself than ever putting Greg in a position to have to go through that again even if he was willing to.
Ana made it clear to me that by denying myself, I could grow to resent Greg, to again begin hating myself, that I could once again fall into depression if I continued to bury these feelings.
She asked me if I trusted Greg with my life, I told her of course I do.
She asked me if I loved him more than anything or anyone, the answer was yes.
She asked me if I trusted Greg with my thoughts, with my emotions, the answer was yes.
She asked me if Greg had a need that I could not provide him, would I deny him that, the answer was no I would not.
She asked me if Greg’s need was sexual satisfaction that I couldn’t provide, would I deny him that, the answer was no, I would not.
She asked me how far would I go to allow him that, would I be prepared to let him fuck other women? This was hard to answer but the answer was yes.
Ana then asked me why I would not be prepared to allow Greg to do the same for me. I answered that I could not hurt him again, that I would not.
Dr Forsyth then asked me if that my fear was not only about hurting Greg but was that I feared losing him again. That I did not trust the strength of our relationship to be able to survive me being with Jake.
I agreed, it is not something I am prepared to risk.
Dr Forsyth then told me that I was already prepared to risk my relationship, that I was doing that by doing nothing. She told me I need to have more trust in Greg, to give him the chance to decide our way forward together. That this decision was not mine alone to make.
I don’t know what to do. I know Greg is going to read this, and perhaps this is me being cowardly by writing this down, trying to give Greg the trust to help me decide. I fucked up our life together once before, I don’t want to fuck this up a second time. I cannot lose Greg again, ever.
……………..
I put Katie’s journal down and took a deep breath, the discussion we had been avoiding was laid out before me. I understood her concerns. Her fear of losing me again. I also understood where Dr Forsyth was coming from, that this decision was not Katie’s alone to make, and that to do nothing could be just if not more harmful as any decision we would actively make together.
I was finally coming to terms with the fact that the only option that was going to really work for Katie was the one option neither of us wanted to choose. I guess Katie had already realized that back before the wedding and has not been prepared to accept it.
The question was, could I? Is this really something I could be okay with? And after all the stress and fears involved for Katie, how would she even be able to enjoy it if I did agree?