Then I saw her, sitting in ‘our booth’ by the window. The sunlight was reflecting off her auburn hair and even at a distance it was if the sun had also broken through to all those ‘gray’ spots within me.
I watched as she turned towards me, almost as if in slow-motion. I saw her smile briefly before tears ran down her cheeks.
I never even got inside the diner before she burst through the door and threw her arms around my neck, hugging me.
“I’m so sorry. I … I fucked up. I need you … your help.”
My emotions plunged at her last words and I pushed her away. “What do you need? To have your car fixed again?” I asked, my voice thick with sarcasm.
She looked shocked by what I’d said. Then, slowly, a glimmer of understanding seemed to fill her eyes “What I mean is … shit … I fucked up again, didn’t I?” she muttered as she looked down at the ground. We stood there not saying a word until she looked back up, a small smile on her face.
“How about we get some coffee and then go someplace and talk?”
“I thought you wanted to meet here?”
“Yeah, well. I kinda made an ass of myself just now when I came running out here. Can we go somewhere else?”
I thought about it and then decided it might be worth it to at least find out what she’d been up to. “Hop in the truck,” I instructed. “I’ll go inside and get us a couple of coffees.”
When I came back out, I slid into the driver’s seat and drove to a lake I’d once fished at in the area. We didn’t say a word the whole trip. When we got to the lake, I threw a blanket in the back of the truck and took a seat, my back against the tailgate. She climbed into the other side and sat with her back against the cab.
“So what do you need?” I asked once again, my voice still filled with sarcasm and barely hidden pain.
“Your forgiveness,” she whispered.
“My what?”
“Your forgiveness,” she repeated. “Look, I fucked up and I know it. I wanted to be part of something … something real, and I was with you. The ranch, the chickens, you and me. It was all real but I saw it slowly melting away because of the money. You know I never went to college or anything like that. This,” he ran a hand up and down her body, “is all I’ve ever had going for me. So, I used it to get what I wanted. I’ve worked as a stripper, and in a soft-core ‘titty’ movie, but I’ve only fucked one guy for money and that was because he insisted on paying me. I became a slut to get everything I wanted. Money, jobs, and before you ask … boyfriends,” she hesitated, “but with you it was ‘different’. Yeah, I’m sure you’ve heard that one before. With you I could get what I wanted just by being me, by sharing what’s inside of me not just the outside. I fell for you and I mean hard. That’s why I wanted to find some way to help financially. I saw you working so hard and you came home so tired some nights I’m surprised you didn’t fall asleep and get in a wreck driving home.”
“I almost did,” I muttered.
“So I went back to what I’d always done,” she continued, almost as if ignoring my comment though I’d seen a look of fear wash over her face when I told her. “When you walked in on me that day I’d been doing ‘it’ for almost a month. Each time I’d put a notice on the Internet and then pick a new guy. I was never with the same guy more than just once and I NEVER let them do more than what you saw. I know it sounds weird, but I was trying to be ‘faithful’ to you even then. None of the guys ever got to even touch me. They got, well to be honest, they paid to jack off on my tits while I taped it. Then I put it on the Internet like I told you and more people paid to watch,” she finished and took a sip of her coffee.
“So, what’s that got to do with me? I assume you know we’re divorced so what you did or what you do really aren’t any of my concern.”
“Yeah, I heard,” her voice saddened. “Though I don’t blame you.”
“So WHAT IS IT YOU NEED?” I stressed.
“Your forgiveness, like I said and …,” she paused.
I could see her take a deep breath before continuing.
“A second chance.”
“A what?” I asked, unable to believe what I’d just heard.
“A second chance,” she hesitated. “I knew the moment you caught me that I’d destroyed and lost the most important thing in my life. I knew I should have come to you so we could have talked about my fears and concerns. I just … I’ve just been on my own for so long, I decided it was probably better if I took care of things myself instead of adding more to your pile. I realize now that I was wrong, WAY wrong. A couple should be able to talk to each other no matter what the problem. I was just too new at being part of ‘a couple’ and I fucked up.”
“Damn right you did,” I snarled though her explanation seemed to lessen the harshness on the tone. I sat there for what felt like forever thinking about what she’d said and what she’d asked. “But why now? It’s been almost a year?”
“Time for you to calm down. Time to let the pain of what I’d done lessen a little. Time for me to build up the courage to try and see you again. But mostly, time to … I don’t know … ‘forgive’ isn’t really the word I’d use but lessen my feelings of guilt. Like I said I fucked up and I know it. The question now is can you … can we, get past this and have a life together?”
“I don’t know,” I stuttered. “What happened that day will always be something we’ll remember. I just don’t know.”
“Would it make any difference if I told you I loved you and I could prove it?”
The words lifted my spirits for a second but the image of her and the guy quickly sent them crashing back down. “Love is a pretty easy word to fling around.”
“I know. That’s why I wanted to show you this,” she continued as lifted her left hand. There, on her ring finger, was the band I’d given her on our wedding day. “I NEVER took it off. Even after hearing that we were divorced. In the beginning, it was to punish myself for what I’d done and what I’d lost but after awhile it reminded me of how good I’d felt when I was with you. I think, or at least hope, we completed each other. I just know I’ve never felt that way with anyone else and I miss it. I want it … I want you back, if you’ll take me.”
All the pain and anger I had inside of me suddenly seemed to disappear as I watched her crawl towards me, ‘that look’ in her eyes.
“I love you,” she purred as she ran her fingertips softly along my lips.
The corners of my mouth turned upwards in a smile unlike anything I’d felt in months. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer. I could feel her heart pounding against my chest.
She closed her eyes and tilted her head, her lips slightly parted.
My lips touched hers and I felt her tongue enter my mouth, exploring the warmth within. My tongue touched hers and we slowly, passionately kissed for what seemed like an eternity, breathing heavily as we held each other.
“This is where I belong,” she whispered, lovingly, as she snuggled against me.
Inside of me, a battle was waging. “Do I take her back? Do I take the risk? Or do I run back to my life on the ranch?”
In the mean time, she began to run her hand down my body. She started at my chin, slowly working her way down my neck and then onto my chest. In and instant, she had my shirt unbuttoned. She stopped kissing me and dropped her head, lightly flicking her tongue across my nipples, one at a time. I’d never felt anything like it before and they soon became harder than I thought possible.